Gentle Parenting

This week's article summary is What is Gentle Parenting?

As you’ll see in the article, while the term ‘gentle parenting’ is relatively new—and in my opinion poorly named —it advocates the age-old parenting (and classroom management) technique of being ‘firm but fair’.

Whether in regards to parenting or teaching, firmness means being consistent with behavioral expectations/limits and structure/routines. Kids actually crave firmness with clear expectations and guidelines, yet they inevitably will still stumble and misbehave. It’s in their nature to push up against limits and see what happens when they exceed expected boundaries.

As authority figures, parents/teachers often struggle with how to deal with a misbehaving child. 

This is where fairness comes in. 

The article below—like the philosophy of Positive Discipline, Responsive Classroom, etc.—begins with the premise that all kids want to belong and do the right thing. Punishment for misbehavior can temporarily stop the infraction, yet unless the parent/teacher tries to identify the reason behind the misbehavior, it will more than likely continue.

The article, Positive Discipline techniques, and our discussions during preplanning all recommend that supporting children in their social-emotional growth (both their sense of self and care and concern for others) means having them gradually learn to recognize and name the panoply of emotions they feel, and then over time learn not to instinctively react to those feelings and emotions--which often result in exceeding expected rules and boundaries--but to thoughtfully respond in a manner that is within the expected norm.

Re-read that previous paragraph: it’s a tall order, but being able to control emotions and deal with obstacles is the key to a successful life. 

When I taught 8th grade, it seemed all I did was help young adolescents deal with their emotions, frustrations, feelings of inadequacy, etc. Yes, I taught history and coached soccer, basketball, and baseball, yet I was really guiding my students through one of the most tumultuous years of their lives. It took a lot of repeating, modeling, coaching, counseling, and consequence/punishment follow through, but more often than not I developed strong, trusting relationships with them and saw much growth and progress within them.

And as we all know, EQ ultimately is more important than IQ.

Joe

----

In the past decade, the concept of “gentle” or “respectful” parenting has gained considerable traction. 

The foundation of the idea is in being a parent who is emotionally attuned to their child, and tries to understand the reasons behind their behavior.

There is great value in this, but it is not the whole story. Children also need their carers to set clear limits.

A common theme of gentle parenting is that parents should not rush in and immediately condemn their children if they don’t like what they’re doing. Instead, they should stop and listen to their child, then validate their feelings. For example, they might say, “So you are shouting because you think your brother was being unfair when he took your toy, and that upset you.”

Gentle parenting suggests that when a parent shows understanding of the child’s emotional state, it will help the child to calm down. Only after doing this should the parent decide what to do. This approach also has the longer-term aim of promoting emotional intelligence. The idea is that as children grow older they will learn to identify their own emotions more thoughtfully and act more appropriately.

But we also know that, when it comes to the parent-child relationship, how the parent responds to their child is crucial. After listening and clarifying what the child is feeling, the parent then needs to build on this to help the child think calmly and positively about the problem and find a good solution.

Parents who do this are, in the language of child development, “responding sensitively” to their children, both when the child is upset and when they are happy. Research shows that children whose parents responded sensitively in their first three years of life had better social skills at age 15 and also performed better academically.

In addition to the warm, close relationship created by sensitive responses to a child, boundaries need to be set as well. Children need to be able to live in the world with other people and get on with other children and adults. They need to learn how to fit in with externally imposed rules and that there are consequences if they do not. Children need both love and limits.

The trick is to set limits calmly and not be angry or explosive as a parent. A frustrated reaction is often unconscious and related to the way the parents themselves were brought up; they may not know any other way.

The good news is that parents can learn calm, effective discipline. If parents pay lots of attention when children are misbehaving, they are more likely to continue to behave badly. The drive for children to feel connected to their parents is so strong that, especially in a background where there is not much attention to go round, they will prefer negative attention to none. They soon learn that they need to play up to connect, so misbehaving becomes more frequent.

The solution is to briefly withdraw attention when children are misbehaving, followed by engaging with them warmly when they are behaving better. At this point, emotional feelings can be aired and an appropriate response should be set. Such an apparently simple regime takes a bit of learning, but usually has a striking effect on improving behavior. 

Also, crucially, if children are encouraged and paid warm attention when they are behaving well, they will do more of it.

There is good evidence that listening to your child and showing that you have understood them can be helpful, so long as the next step is to respond sensitively and if necessary set a calm limit. All this needs to be in the context of a positive relationship where the parent takes the time to have fun with their child