How to Deal With People You Don't Like

This week's article summary is 8 Things Successful People Do When They Don't Like Someone.

I’m guessing all of us have some relatives, neighbors, and/or colleagues we don’t like very much.

It’s human nature and inevitable not to like everyone you know and work with.

Yet, as the article states, we need to be able to peacefully coexist with everyone from overly narcissistic, opinionated relatives to grumpy, myopic colleagues.

The article focuses on things we can control. In other words, it’s less about how others act around us and more about how we deal with those actions.

Just as we teach our students to be caring, non-judgmental, and positive toward others, we need to do the same.

Moving from ‘my way is the only way’ to ‘there’s value and productivity in diversity and different ideas and perspectives’ benefits everyone, including ourselves.

 Joe

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Unless you're a genetic anomaly, it's likely you will meet people you don't like throughout your lifetime. After all, it's unlikely you'll simply be able to avoid people you don't like - in fact, if you restrict who you can work with, you are only limiting yourself.

Here are some tips successful people use to deal with people they don't get along with.

1. Accept that you can't get on with everyone: As much as we hope to like everyone we meet, it often simply isn't the case. The first step to dealing with the people you don't click with is accepting nobody gets on with everyone. It doesn't mean you're a bad person, and it doesn't mean they are either. Our behavioral styles can get come between people. Some are dominant, whereas others are timid. Some people are optimists and others consider themselves "realists.”

2. Try and put a positive spin on what they are saying: Try and look at how people are acting differently. Even if the person you're having difficulty with is aggravating you on purpose, getting angry about it will probably just make you look bad. So try and give them the benefit of the doubt.

3. Be aware of your own emotions: It's important to remember your own emotions matter, but ultimately you alone have control over how you react to situations. People will only drive you crazy if you allow them to. Don't let your anger spin out of control. If someone is rubbing you the wrong way, recognize those feelings and then let them go without engaging with the person. Sometimes just smiling and nodding will do the trick. The key is in treating everyone you meet with the same level of respect. That doesn't mean you have to agree with a person you don't like or go along with what they say, but you should act civilized and be polite. In doing this, you can remain firm on your issues but not come across like you're attacking someone personally, which should give you the upper hand.

4. Don't take it personally and get some space: More often than not a disagreement is probably a misunderstanding. If not, and you really do fundamentally disagree with someone, then try and see it from their perspective. Try not to overreact, because they may overreact in return, meaning things escalate quickly and fiercely. Try to rise above it all by focusing on facts, and try to ignore how the other person is reacting, no matter how ridiculous or irrational. Concentrate on the issue, not the person. If you need some space, take it. You're perfectly within your rights to establish boundaries and decide when you interact with someone.

5. Express your feelings calmly and consider using a referee: Usually, the way we communicate is more important than what we actually say. If someone is repeatedly annoying you and it's leading to bigger problems, it's probably time to say something. However, confrontation doesn't have to be aggressive. Use "I" statements, such as "I feel annoyed when you do this, so could you please do this instead." Being as specific as possible will make it more likely the person will take what you're saying on board. It will also give them a better opportunity to share their side of the story. It might be a good idea to use another person as a mediator in these discussions because they can bring a level of objectivity to a situation. You may not end up as friends, but you might find out a way to communicate and work together in an effective way. Learning to work with people you find difficult is a very fulfilling experience, and it could become one more way of showing how well you overcome barriers.

6. Pick your battles: Sometimes it might just be easier to let things go. Not everything is worth your time and attention. You have to ask yourself whether you really want to engage with the person, or your effort might be better spent just getting on with your work, or whatever else you're doing. The best way to figure this out is weighing up whether the issue is situational. Will it go away in time, or could it get worse? If it's the latter, it might be better expending energy into sorting it out sooner or later. If it's just a matter of circumstance, you'll probably get over it fairly quickly. 

7. Don't be defensive: If you find someone is constantly belittling you or focusing on your flaw, don't bite. The worst thing you can do is be defensive—it only gives the other person more power. Instead, turn the spotlight on them and start asking them probing questions, such as what in particular their problem is with what you're doing. If they start bullying you, call them out on it. If they want you to treat them with respect, they have to earn it by being civil to you, too. If you want to be sneaky to get someone to agree with you, there are psychological tricks you can use. Research suggests you should speak faster when disagreeing with someone so they have less time to process what you're saying. If you think they might be agreeing with you, then slow down so they have time to take in your message. 

8. Ultimately, remember you are in control of your own happiness: If someone is really getting on your nerves, it can be difficult to see the bigger picture. However, you should never let someone else limit your happiness or success. If you're finding their comments are really getting to you, ask yourself why that is. Are you self-conscious about something, or are you anxious about something at work? If so, focus on this instead of listening to other people's complaints. You alone have control over your feelings, so stop comparing yourself to anyone else. Instead, remind yourself of all your achievements, and don't let someone gain power over you just because they momentarily darken your day.

Being Less Judgmental

This week's article summary is How to Be a Little Less Judgmental.

When I had taught middle school for about ten years, I was at a crossroads in my career: was I going to commit to my discipline (history) by teaching at the high school level or was I going to move into administration?

I was teaching 8th grade World History and was being courted by the high school history department. They were the top teaching group at the school, were devoted to their discipline, yet were also smug, cynical, and defiant to authority.

A few times a year we had an all-school meeting where the Head of School provided a big picture update on the school. (This was before email or other forms of electronic communication.) So, about 200 teachers from the three separate buildings (lower, middle, and upper schools) gathered in the school chapel as one community.

Not surprisingly, the iconoclastic history department members always sat in last row of the chapel, not paying much attention to the Head’s update; instead, they graded papers, completed crossword puzzles, anything but listen to the Head. They were the teachers who were “too cool for school.”

At one of these all-school meetings, as I walked into the chapel with some other middle school teachers, the chair of the Upper School history department (and the most arrogant) shouted, “Hey, Joe, why don’t you come sit with us?”

Like Lindsay Lohan in Mean Girls here was my defining moment. I was being invited to join the cool kids.

I could see my future unfolding: join them, move to the Upper School and become one of the top teachers in the school. Yes, I would need to follow their lead and be dismissive of others, but I would be a top dog!

In that split second, I charted my future. I meekly (after all, I was intimidated him and the other history teachers) retorted, “Thanks, but I’m fine sitting with middle school teachers.”

I chose to side with right, respectful, and collegial. I wasn’t going the join a group whose members felt they were superior to others. Working in a big school, I understood that there were a lot of decisions to be made and that not every decision directly impacted me. I was able to see beyond myself, my division, my students and embraced that I was part of a bigger community.

As you’ll see in the article, we are living in a very judgmental age, personified by the upper school history teachers at my former school.

During preplanning, we talked about how people tend to judge themselves by their intent and others by their actions. We talked about being cognizant of avoiding ‘instantly reacting’ and taking a few moments to ‘thoughtfully respond.’ My personal mantra is “Assume Good Intentions” which helps me avoid rushing to judgment.

As we head into the final stretch of the school year, we need to be even more alert to how we work with and support others.

Joe

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Casting judgment on others has never been so easy. Social media gives onlookers the opportunity to scoff at a person’s every choice, from how they dress to what they feed their children. How people have behaved during the pandemic has inspired plenty of judgment in its own right: At the height of restrictions, adherence — or lack thereof — to masking and social distancing measures practically became barometers of people’s characters, indicating a lack of personal responsibility and empathy or an abundance of hysteria and over-caution, depending on your views.

While it gets a bad rap, in pre-modern times, judgment helped keep people safe. Judgments were alarm bells allowing humans to distinguish between toxic and harmless food, trustworthy and untrustworthy tribe members, and hardworking and lazy kinspeople.

Judgment is also a signal that someone’s behavior is unusual or out of context to your particular in-group.

But in today’s mobile, digitally facilitated world, judgment can take on new, toxic forms. When you silently cast judgment on someone from afar based on an Instagram story, you don’t get feedback from other people — or even the subject of your judgment — and you don’t learn how to make comments or critiques in a constructive way. Normally in a social situation, you judge somebody’s behavior, and their response to you helps to calibrate your interaction with them, and also the responses of other people around you. Because so much of our lives are disconnected from each other, we don’t perceive that body language and we don’t perceive that social feedback anymore.

Digital platforms also incite and prioritize outrage and conflict, making it easy to look down on others from your moral high horse. When people are constantly sneering at others on public platforms, the perception of what “normal” social judgments should look like is skewed. In normal communities and in normal, functional families, passing judgment on other people’s behavior, it functions very well. Families rarely break up because somebody says, ‘Hey, you’re acting like a jerk’ at a holiday get-together.

While judgments help signal social norms and allow us to identify our people, mean-spirited critiques are unproductive. Discernment, on the other hand, can help you identify unhealthy and toxic behaviors. In today’s polarized world, it’s important to detect when someone’s attitudes and beliefs pose a threat to others’ rights and well-being. Unless someone’s behavior is actively harming themselves or others (in which case, you should name the behavior, tell the other person how you’re feeling, and set boundaries on how you’d like them to act moving forward), learning to curb petty moral righteousness is possible, but requires slowing down your thoughts and having some empathy.

Look inward: If you’re motivated to stop hurtful critiques, you have to evaluate their source. When you feel a twang of annoyance when a friend impulsively books a vacation despite constantly complaining about money, ask yourself why you’re upset by this behavior or what purpose your anger or annoyance serves in this instance. Anger is often a signal that another person isn’t taking your well-being into consideration or there’s a conflict. Does your friend’s last-minute trip conflict with upcoming plans the two of you have or is it simply something you wouldn’t personally do? We have to pull back and go, ‘I’m being judgy, I don’t really want to do that.’ If you find yourself whispering a snide remark to your friend about a stranger’s shoes, try to reframe the judgment by complimenting the person’s confidence, for instance. Just as being judgmental is a practiced habit, so is stopping thought patterns that lead to hurtful observations and assumptions. If we come to notice we’re doing something that is unhealthy and pause and stop it, then we are far less likely to go down that path.

Practice curiosity, compassion, and empathy: When people buck social conventions, those casting judgments are often quick to be offended before considering a reason why someone else is engaging in that behavior. Say your colleague is quitting their job before landing a new one and you’re outraged at their irresponsibility. Instead of jumping to conclusions, get curious and ask them about their reasons for resigning or what they hope to accomplish during their time off. Curiosity is the antidote for judgment. Meet those you’re unjustly judging with compassion: When it comes to differences of opinion, it can be easy to assume that someone who doesn’t share your beliefs is ‘evil or stupid.’ Instead of reacting aggressively in an attempt to change their mind, think of a good-faith reason why someone would think this way as a means to slow down the judgment process. What does the person you’re judging know about their behavior or beliefs that you don’t know? For example, when it comes to relatives with differing political opinions, think about how the loved one ended up believing what they believe: the media they consume, the people they surround themselves with.  Of course, you should never compromise on important moral and social issues. Relationships with people whose views are antithetical to your own will have to be renegotiated and you’ll need to decide how to move forward if you want to maintain contact. But you can control your initial assumptions of them based on their beliefs.

Stay in your lane: There are very few things you can do to convince people your way of thinking and living is ideal. Save for the occasions where someone’s behavior is dangerous and harmful, focus only on what you can control. We can only control our behaviors, our thoughts, and our actions. Many human behaviors are actions signaling to others what kind of person you are or what groups you belong to. Instead of criticizing your aunt for constantly sharing bizarre memes on Facebook, consider she’s just vocalizing her membership in a another group. Understanding actions’ underlying meanings can help you avoid pointless arguments trying to sway someone to your side of an issue. Instead of judging and attacking and hoping others see your way, sympathize with others’ reasoning for their actions, don’t feed into toxic thoughts, and lead by example. You can’t make somebody value the things that you value. All you can do is try to gently demonstrate that valuing the things that you value makes the world around you better and people will want to move there in some intellectual or moral sense.

Teaching History Objectively

This week's article summary is There is Little Evidence of K-12 Indoctrination.

As you’ll see in the article, Middle and High School history teachers have been in the crosshairs of many parents over the past number of years. Specifically, history teachers (and some English teachers as well) have been accused of pushing a liberal agenda in what and how they teach.

I have a good friend back in New York who teaches Upper School American history. Last summer I asked him how he negotiates teaching in such a charged, polarized atmosphere. He told me that at least for him, the controversy about teaching history is blown way out of proportion. At the beginning of the school year, he tells his students that they will discuss many topics and subjects, some of which are controversial, and that everyone in the class needs to be respectful of differing viewpoints expressed by others. He tells parents the same thing at Back-to-School Night. He told me that he teaches today the same way he’s always taught, and that his students are very open minded, inquisitive, and respectful.

The article’s research affirms what my buddy told me: the vast majority of history teachers strive to remain neutral when teaching toward the goal of developing critical, independent thinking in their students. Especially in the Internet Age, we all need to be more critical and skeptical of whatever we click as there’s little editorial oversight that fact checks postings. 

As a former history teacher, I am a champion of the discipline, yet I worry that most people in America today are quite ignorant of the past and accept as gospel what they read and see online. History to me is less about facts and dates and more about ideas and patterns. Certainly, humans have perpetrated much ugliness and cruelty on one another, yet there has also much goodness and progress over the past 5000 years of civilization. 

As the science of reading is strengthening children’s reading skills, let’s remember to include content knowledge through history as a integral need for reading comprehension. 

Joe

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The combination of COVID-19 school closures and rising culture wars put a harsh spotlight on educators, but none had it worse than the nation’s social studies educators. Social studies has long been a political punching bag, but it reached a new peak around 2021, with teachers accused of indoctrinating students in a variety of political viewpoints, teaching students to “hate” the United States, and coloring key moments of U.S. history with a paintbrush of contemporary “woke” politics.

Pushback hasn’t been limited to conservatives, either: Lessons based on slavery simulations and other damaging, ahistorical lessons periodically go viral and create an uproar.

Fueled by this rhetoric, policymakers in some 18 states have passed legislation or other rules regulating how teachers can discuss issues of racism, sexism, and inequality in the classroom. Discussing critical race theory, the study of institutional racism, and even current events is banned or limited in some states, and under attack in others.

But preliminary findings from a new study by the American Historical Association shows that most middle and high school teachers history teachers strive to keep their lessons politically neutral.

“The divisive concepts legislations that have been introduced by lawmakers make assumptions about what teachers are teaching. We always knew that teachers don’t teach critical race theory in their classrooms. Not one piece of legislation had any data on what’s being taught,” said Jim Grossman, the executive director of the AHA.

Few teachers rely on political extremes to teach their lessons, but still most must navigate the rhetorical accusations that they’re indoctrinating students, the AHA concluded.

Over three quarters of teachers surveyed said they cobble together a multitude of online resources and use textbooks only as a reference, rather than source material.

“We found that teachers don’t use materials from contentious sources, so the accusation that teachers are teaching kids to hate America is simply untrue,” said Jim Grossman, executive director of AHA.

Kevin Levin, a history educator who conducts professional development workshops with educators on teaching history, said that vetting digital material—now a primary source of information—is a skill that teachers still need to develop. “Some teachers do use reliable materials, but just as many are plugging terms into a search engine and clicking the first thing. This has potential to mislead,” said Levin. This danger is heightened now, because technology like ChatGPT can fuel false information that doesn’t come with any warning.

History teachers don’t personally have to be politically neutral, said Levin, but they must maintain a balance of diverse of views within their classrooms. Not only does that protect against allegations of partisan teaching, but it also develops students’ skills to grapple with complicated questions. “Students have to be taught how to think. That is different from telling them what to think,” said Grossman.

“When teachers can share more materials in class, it helps students understand that the past is just as complicated as the present, and there’s no one interpretation. Students are not treated as sponges, who only absorb and regurgitate one interpretation,” said Levin.

Some aspects of history education are inevitably challenging, Levin said. Allowing students to arrive at their own conclusions goes against the notion that they should be taught a particular version of past events, as was the case in prior generations where a narrative of American exceptionalism prevailed.

The AHA will release its full report this fall. Grossman hopes it will temper the accusations laid against history teachers, and prompt more support for their training and development as educators who inspire critical thinking in their classrooms.

“We are providing an empirical basis to come to the same conclusion that we should’ve come to logically,” he said. “Our data shows that educators are using history lessons to develop people who cannot be indoctrinated in the future.”