The Science of Timeouts

This week’s article summary is The Science of Timeouts. 

When we were kids, the discipline we received from our parents ranged from very strict to more permissive to somewhere in between.

I’d put my parents in the middle with a slight lean toward permissive. 

I was never spanked or hit, yet they were masters at making me feel guilty for my missteps and misbehaviors.

I doubt they read any parenting books; their parenting was more intuitive. But they definitely fell into what the article (and Positive Discipline) calls “authoritative discipline—firm but fair. 

When I was a kid, I knew what was expected of me as a student, person, son, sibling, and friend.  

My parents gave me plenty of room to make decisions about how to act and  be a student in school and, more importantly, how to play with others. My friends and I had ample play time without adult supervision. We had many disagreements, yet we aways managed to settle our disputes in a civil yet age-appropriate manner.

When I messed up (I never did anything too egregious), my errors were opportunities to learn and grow. 

I don’t have any memories of my parents lecturing me too much or sending me to bed without dinner. 

Rather they had a knack for putting the onus of my indiscretions on me and making me think and reflect and--with their guidance if needed--figure out how to make whatever I did wrong right again.

My parents didn’t know that--a la Positive Discipline--all kids search for 'belonging and significance' and that in our childhood years both agency (sense of self) and communion (sense of others) develop over time through practice and experience and positive role modeling from adults.

They weren’t too loose and permissive: an entitled, selfish, bratty, spoiled child was the last thing they wanted me to be or to become. Or overly strict: they understood intuitively that strict punishment hampers the development of intrinsic motivation and personal responsibility.

The article below provides an overview of what 50 years of research shows about what does and doesn’t work at home and in the classroom.

Certainly, societal norms, parenting, and childhood are vastly different now compared to 50 years ago. 

Yet, as I read this article I thought not only of my parents but also of our preplanning session with Kelly Gfroerer and her introduction of Positive Discipline.  I look forward to her remaining sessions, as my guess it will affirm what attuned parents I had!

Joe

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For centuries, spanking and other forms of corporal punishment were the main disciplinary tools of parents in America. 

In the 1960s, though, researchers began to turn their attention to a newfangled option: the timeout.

Sometimes controversial, the timeout is nevertheless now among the most mainstream 

disciplinary recommendations for children. 

The good news is that there's strong science supporting the timeout.

Studies of spanking or corporal punishment show that children who are spanked typically comply with parents in the short term but they become increasingly aggressive in the long term. 

Conversely, over 30 years of timeout research reveal that timeouts are effective at both home and school.

As with all things parenting, though, timeout has its controversies. 

Some critics say that timeout is unnecessary and harsh, and positive parenting should do the trick without the need for punishment.

A closer look, though, reveals less daylight between the schools of thought than it seems. 

Advocates of timeout agree that it's often misused. And they also push many of the positive parenting techniques advocated by researchers in the no-timeout camp.

So what does an appropriate timeout look like? 

First, it must be part of an otherwise warm and loving parent-child relationship. Timeout is a term originally shortened from "timeout from positive reinforcement," meaning that kids are forced to take a break from something they enjoy. If a kid is being ignored or treated badly by the parent, there's no positive reinforcement to take a break from. 

Praising for good behavior, awareness of a child's needs, and teaching about social skills like sharing and turn taking are crucial. Most children respond positively to the kind of parenting that the influential developmental psychologist Diane Baumrind characterized as "authoritative." Authoritative parents set firm boundaries for kids, but pair their expectations with warmth and responsiveness.

The next rule of thumb for timeout is that it should be used very specifically. Timeouts are for kids ages 2 to 6. (Older children are better served by consequences such as removal of privileges.) Parents should pick one or two behaviors — say, hitting and disobeying direct requests — and make very clear to children what behaviors will result in a timeout.

Effectiveness of timeout by duration is hard to study, but anywhere between 2 and 5 minutes is plenty.

Pros and Cons of Homework

This week’s article summary is Should Second Graders Get Homework? 

The article is about the Texas teacher who last week sent a letter to her students’ parents about not assigning homework for the school year. (You may have read or seen the myriad stories last week about this teacher and her letter.)

As the article attests, homework remains a controversial topic at most schools. 

Those who favor more homework argue that it develops responsibility and independence in students, reinforces skills and concepts taught in the classroom, and allows for greater exposure to content.

Those against homework feel that all kids—just like adults--need downtown at home, that too much homework often leads to tensions in families (it did for me both when I was a kid and parent), and that research shows no correlation between homework and student learning/achievement, especially in elementary school.

Education likes to debate issues in either/or extremes when, as most of us recognize, the middle ground is the appropriate place to be.

To me, some homework provides extrinsic structure for kids (and almost all of us need external limits) and develops student independence and confidence. 

But kids also need free, unstructured time after school to play, to pursue other interests, and to begin to develop intrinsic motivation by having opportunities to think, decide, reflect, imagine, and create on their own.

Ideally school should be so interesting and engaging that kids at home thirst to learn more or follow up on topics explored at school--especially easy in our digital age. While parents often ask “What do you learn in school today?”,  I think better questions to ask children begin with “why” and “what else do you want to know?” One of the pillars of my educational philosophy my belief and trust in kids to be intellectually curious and to pursue on their own.

After school should be a time when kids can read, think, research further, play, create, experiment, and, yes, sometimes practice skills taught at school.

Joe

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A second-grade teacher from Texas has taken parenting corners of the social media world by storm with a letter announcing her new homework policy. The policy? No homework at all. In the letter, which has been shared by thousands, she explains the reasoning behind her decision: 

"After much research this summer, I am trying something new. Homework will only consist of work that your student did not finish during the school day. There will be no formally assigned homework this year. Research had been unable to prove that homework improves student performance. Rather, I ask that you spend your evenings doing things that are proven to correlate with student success. Eating dinner as a family, read together, play outside, and get your child to bed early."

The letter has its critics, of course: one unimpressed Facebook commenter argues that homework is “very crucial" in helping children "not only to learn schooling but also beginnings of responsibility," adding that "kids nowadays are definitely babied more.” 

But the majority of commenters express support for the policy, reflecting a pushback in recent years against what many parents say is too much homework. An ongoing poll on Debate.org asking whether schools should abolish homework currently shows 71% of respondents in favor of the idea.

A number of studies have found that students, especially those in elementary school, are on average assigned more homework than education experts recommend. One study published last year found that first and second-grade children were being assigned three times the homework load recommended by the National Education Association (NEA). Kindergarteners, who according to NEA recommendations should not have any homework at all, were assigned on average 25 minutes of work a night. 

Many anti-homework advocates have pointed out that there is little to no evidence that homework significantly improves academic performance in elementary students. For high schoolers, researchers have found links between moderate amounts of homework and achievement

“All the research and evidence point to the fact that no elementary school in America should be making students work a second shift with homework because there are no proven benefits, "Alfie Kohn, author of the book "The Homework Myth," told The Christian Science Monitor last year. "Homework is all pain and no gain." 

Indeed, researchers say, too much homework is not only ineffective but can also be harmful. 

"The cost is enormous," said Stephanie Donaldson-Pressman, clinical director of the New England Center for Pediatric Psychology, to CNN. "The data shows that homework over the recommended level is not only not beneficial to children's grades or GPA, but there's really a plethora of evidence that it's detrimental to their attitude about school, their grades, their self-confidence, their social skills and their quality of life.” 

The second-grade teacher from Texas isn't the first educator to take this research – and complaints from displeased parents with overworked children – into consideration when establishing homework policies. Some schools have abolished homework altogether, citing “children's frustration and exhaustion, lack of time for other activities and family time and, sadly, for many, loss of interest in learning.” 

But not all parents and educators are in favor of less homework – especially those at elite schools. Harris Cooper, a professor of psychology at Duke University and the author of "The Battle Over Homework," says that attitudes toward homework swing in cycles lasting about 30 years – and, as the current anti-homework revolution has been underway since the early 2000s, we may be starting to see a backlash against the backlash. 

"We’re in a heavy-homeowork part of the cycle,” says Dr. Cooper. "The increasing competition for elite high schools and colleges has parents demanding more homework.

Play-Based Learning and Self Control

This week’s article summary is Helping Children Succeed--Without the Stress.

The article is both logical and counterintuitive.

Parents, in wanting the best for their children, often schedule their kids in many after-school activities from sports to music lessons to enrichment tutoring. 

By giving children these opportunities, parents hope to ‘prime the pump' for future success. Seems logical, right?

Yet, as research shows (in particular Daniel Goleman’s work and recent book Focus), the development and demonstration of ‘self-control’ is one of the best predictors of future academic success and personal happiness.

An effective way to encourage the development of self-control is to give kids, especially those in elementary school, ample time for free, imaginative play. Counterintuitive to many parents.

As an advocate of play-based learning, I’ve always recognized how it fosters the development of imagination and creativity in kids. 

But this article illustrates an additional benefit of free play: supporting the development of self control in kids.

As the article concludes, this is not the easiest sell to parents today when most other children are over-scheduled after school and on weekends.

Yet..we teachers can help parents understand the need for free-play both in and after school—not just so kids get ample time to be kids but also in that it helps them develop important skills and habits that support future learning.

Or as we talked about in preplanning: Enjoying the moment while preparing for the future.

Joe

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In the now-famous “marshmallow” experiments, researchers at Stanford tested preschoolers’ self-control and ability to delay gratification by sitting them in a room alone with a tempting treat and measuring how long they were able to wait. Years later, those kids who resisted temptation the longest also tended to have the highest academic achievement. In fact, self-control was better predictor of their future academic success than their IQ scores.

Further research has shown that self-control also correlates highly with greater stress tolerance and concentration abilities, as well as increased empathy, better emotion regulation, and social competence. This is true across the age spectrum: From preschoolers to teenagers, kids who can regulate their own feelings and behavior are better able to stay focused on their goals and maintain positive connections with others.

Essentially, self-control underlies both academic achievement and interpersonal finesse, both of which contribute to success in life.

While parents who hope that their children will be high-achievers often focus on tutoring, advanced classes, and more study time, the research on self-control suggests that a “backdoor” approach may be more likely to succeed and that it’s also better for kids than the high-pressure path many kids feel compelled to take by well-meaning parents and educators.

Instead of focusing directly on achievement per se, parents and educators can help children be successful by helping them practice and develop skills related to self-control.

For young kids in particular, imaginative play is an especially critical part of practicing self-control, since during play, kids set their own rules and are motivated to respect those rules when the game is fun. The enjoyment of the game provides the motivation to try.

As neuroscientists Sandra Aamodt and Sam Wang note, “To play school, you have to act like a teacher or a student and inhibit your impulses to act like a fighter pilot or a baby. Following these rules provides children with some of their earliest experiences with controlling their behavior to achieve a desired goal.”

Playing is not the opposite of learning: playing is learning.

For older kids, pursuing activities and academic subjects that reflect their own budding interests—rather than someone else’s ideas about what will best position them for a competitive college or career—is critical to developing self-control because the motivation to keep at it comes from a personal goal rather than the desire to please or impress.

Self-control is a skill that can be improved through practice, so kids given more opportunities will have an advantage. Kids vary in their initial ability to demonstrate self-control, but successfully practicing self-control begets greater self-control: The more we do it, the better we get.

That said, being compared to others who are doing better, or repeated failures because a task is too challenging, may leave kids feeling inferior or resistant to trying anymore.

Crucially, this sort of practice is not about following rules in order to please others or avoid punishment.

Self-control is ultimately about learning to control one’s impulses in order to achieve personal goals.

Some parents may see this backdoor approach, with less striving and more engagement, as desirable but naive: If they stand down from the achievement arms race while their neighbors continue shuttling their own kids to coding seminars, specialized tutors, and AP classes, won’t their kids lose out in this ever-more competitive environment?

Parents may have a hard time seeing the value in, say, letting their teen who loves clothes take a sewing class instead of chemistry tutoring (“How will sewing help them get into college?”). But for this child, the sewing class offers much more than it seems on the surface: sewing skills, yes, but also the chance to be creative, self-directed, and focused on a goal of their own choosing.

My Day Was Great!

This week’s article summary is What Do I Expect from My Children's Elementary School. 

Although I first read this article last January, it is appropriate for the first days of a new school year because it reminds us of the importance of making the elementary school years engaging, interesting, and memorable for our students.

While the article’s author, a parent of an elementary student, does not speak for all parents, this article reminded me of a very important benefit of an elementary-only experience:  unlike Pre-8th or K-12 schools, we don’t get 'too much' pressure from middle and upper school teachers to increase the  content load at younger and younger ages.

Of course one of our goals is to prepare our students for the future—to develop their ‘academic and ‘character’ foundations, which will support their subsequent learning in middle and upper school and beyond.

Yet an equally important student outcome is continued 'engagement, interest, and excitement’ toward learning—which rarely results from more work sheets. (Check out the humorous article in the online satirical The Onion about elementary students taking a ‘gap year’ before middle school.)

While we prepare for the future, a gigantic advantage of being elementary-only is we simultaneously savor the special moment of childhood—like PreK students hunting throughout the school for the elusive Gingerbread Man!

The article below a great reminder of the qualities of a exceptional elementary school!

Thanks for a wonderful start to the school year and enjoy the weekend!

Joe

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When I put my children on the bus in the morning, the wish I call out to them after kissing their heads is, “Have a good day!” Pure and simple.

Now, I know that not every day can be a birthday party, and not all things in life should be made into a fun activity. My wish is simply that they enjoy their day at school.  It is my hope that even if there are moments of the day when things don’t go well, or times when they are frustrated, or they find something to be particularly challenging, the overall feeling when they return home is not negative.

I want them to have had enough positive experiences, enough moments of engagement, enough creativity and fun built into their day that “good” is the predominant mood descriptor.

That is not currently the case.

The children that I get off of the bus are exhausted. They are frustrated. They are overworked.

They are burned out. Their teachers are trying to inject as much fun into the day as possible, but are obligated to keep up with deadlines, adhere to the curriculum and meet the standards.

For my elementary-school-age children, I care more about whether or not they love going to school than I do about their academic progress. I am clever enough to know that if they are enjoying themselves at school, they will learn. Academics follow naturally if the proper environment for learning is there.

A good learning environment is one with positive energy. The teachers want to be there, and the children want to be there.

From an educator’s perspective, an environment that is engaging, hands-on, with opportunities for meaningful learning, practice, discussions and creativity, makes kids happy. When kids are happy, they learn more.

We can’t expect them to do work in the same way that an adult does work. We are not the same. They don’t have to pay a mortgage, and I get to stay up as late as I want to. One is not better or worse than the other; they are different.

Just because students may have to sit in an office for eight hours a day when they are adults, doesn’t mean that they should have to start practicing it now as children.

Why has elementary school become the time for instructional and assessment methods that are more appropriate for high school and college students? Why are we expecting them to be able to concentrate for hours at a time to take multiple-choice tests?  They aren’t ready, and they shouldn’t have to be ready.

There are gigantic gaps in elementary education when the emphasis on academics is pushed down to the lower grades. Young children need time to develop skills that are a crucial part of the foundation of a solid education, and that time has been taken away. Maybe the focus should be on teaching them how to learn instead of on what to learn.

It’s backwards logic that is being hailed as the solution to low test scores. Forcing more and more curricula on students at a younger age and a faster pace doesn’t make them better students. It doesn’t teach them skills. It gives them a shallow pool of non-relevant information that they may not remember past the test and don’t know how to apply in real life.

Elementary school should be about exploration and exposure to vast amounts of very well-written books. Writing should be an opportunity to capture observations and imagination in a tangible form. Elementary education should include learning about history through storytelling, art and music. It should be about dancing and singing and playing while developing social skills, communication skills and interpersonal awareness.

Elementary school science should be about questions and wonders, experiments and all things messy. Math should be taught as part of nature and daily life, and if it were introduced that way, children would not be afraid of it when the numbers show up. There should be no limit to the topics that can be explored in elementary school. It should be about how to become a learner … not about curriculum, and definitely not about testing.

I want a school where both of my children, two vastly different learners with different strengths, want to go to learn. I want a school where creativity is cherished, and there is ample time for thinking, connecting, discussing and enjoying what they’ve learned. I want a school where the question isn’t “What did you get on the test?” but “What did you do with what you learned?”

Above all, when I see their sweet little faces get off of the bus, and I ask them how their day was, I want to hear, “My day was great!”

Start of School!

For those new faculty and staff, I typically email every Friday a summary of an article that is particularly appropriate for the moment  (It’s a summary in that I remove the extraneous parts of the article so it can be read quickly.)

For this week the ‘moment’ is the start of the school year.

The article below--5 Lessons Effective Teachers Teach--Without Explicit Instruction--is about the first days of school and the responsibility we as teachers have in creating a safe, warm, and inclusive classroom and school. 

The article begins with Haim Ginott’s iconic quote—that is both inspiring and frightening.

In my first year of teaching, I taught middle school English/Language Arts: 3 sections of 6th and 2 sections of 7th.

I still remember my first few days as a teacher, trying to find the balance between classroom drill-sergeant and push-over (the humiliate or heal of Ginott’s quote or the firm and kind of Positive Discipline).

My first year was tough from a classroom management standpoint—I vacillated between the extremes and stumbled and bumbled with how to control a classroom.

Back then (1980), grade-level teams (let alone team teaching) didn’t exist, morning meeting was nothing more than basic attendance taking (a la Ferris Bueller’s Day Off), and there was little discussion in faculty meetings of “getting to know the kids as individuals” and attending to their social-emotional needs. Advice from veteran teachers was in the vein of “Don’t smile until Christmas."

Fortunately, education, schools, and classrooms have come a long way since then—with the first days of school devoted to creating a positive, safe, cooperative, honest but respectful classroom culture. (Studies show that devoting time at the beginning of the year to develop communal rules, norms, and procedures with student input leads to greater academic focus during the remainder of the year--although post winter vacation reminder is needed.)

The article below is a reminder of some vital qualities we all need to model and demonstrate to our students every day, so we can can ensure, a la Ginott, that “in all situations a child is always humanized."

Thanks to all for a great first week of pre-planning—inspiring presentations, provocative discussions, and focused attention!

Joe

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Here are five classroom practices that make the biggest difference to student learning:

Clarity of purpose: At the beginning of a curriculum unit or project, students need to see why they’re doing it, the learning goals, the criteria for success, and models of high-quality end products.

Classroom discussion: Teachers need to frequently step offstage and facilitate entire-class discussion. This allows students to learn from each other. It’s also a great opportunity for teachers to formatively assess (through observation) how well students are grasping new content and concepts.

Feedback: Students need to know how they’re doing as individuals and as a class. They also need opportunities to give their teachers feedback to allow for adjustments in pedagogy and materials.

Formative assessments: Minute-by-minute, day-by-day, and week-by-week checks for understanding are essential to students knowing how they are doing with respect to the ultimate learning goals.

Metacognitive strategies: Students need opportunities to plan, organize, direct, and monitor their own work – and to reflect as they proceed. When we provide students with time and space to be aware of their own knowledge and their own thinking, student ownership increases. Research shows that metacognition can be taught. 

Start of School!

For those new faculty and staff, I typically email every Friday a summary of an article that is particularly appropriate for the moment  (It’s a summary in that I remove the extraneous parts of the article so it can be read quickly.)

For this week the ‘moment’ is the start of the school year.

The article below--5 Lessons Effective Teachers Teach--Without Explicit Instruction--is about the first days of school and the responsibility we as teachers have in creating a safe, warm, and inclusive classroom and school. 

The article begins with Haim Ginott’s iconic quote—that is both inspiring and frightening.

In my first year of teaching, I taught middle school English/Language Arts: 3 sections of 6th and 2 sections of 7th.

I still remember my first few days as a teacher, trying out different classroom management systems somewhere between drill-sergeant and push-over (the humiliate or heal of Ginott’s quote or the firm and kind of Positive Discipline).

My first year was tough from a classroom management standpoint—I vacillated between the extremes and stumbled and bumbled with how to control a classroom. We talked a lot this week about student learning and I must admit that I learned more than students in my first year of teaching.

Back then (1980), grade-level teams (let alone team teaching) didn’t exist, morning meeting was nothing more than basic attendance taking (think Ferris Bueller’s Day Off), and there was little discussion in faculty meetings of “getting to know the kids as individuals” and attending to their social-emotional needs. Advice from veteran teachers was in the vein of “Don’t smile until Christmas."

Fortunately, education, schools, and classrooms have come a long way since then—with the first days of school devoted to creating a positive, safe, cooperative, honest but respectful classroom culture. (Studies show that devoting time at the beginning of the year to develop communal rules, norms, and procedures with student input leads to greater academic focus during the remainder of the year--although post winter vacation reminder is needed.)

The article below is a reminder of some vital qualities we all need to model and demonstrate to our students every day, so we can can ensure, a la Ginott, that “in all situations a child is always humanized."

Thanks to all for a great first week of pre-planning—inspiring presentations, provocative discussions, and focused attention!

Joe

------------

Here are five classroom practices that make the biggest difference to student learning:

Clarity of purpose: At the beginning of a curriculum unit or project, students need to see why they’re doing it, the learning goals, the criteria for success, and models of high-quality end products.

Classroom discussion: Teachers need to frequently step offstage and facilitate entire-class discussion. This allows students to learn from each other. It’s also a great opportunity for teachers to formatively assess (through observation) how well students are grasping new content and concepts.

Feedback: Students need to know how they’re doing as individuals and as a class. They also need opportunities to give their teachers feedback to allow for adjustments in pedagogy and materials.

Formative assessments: Minute-by-minute, day-by-day, and week-by-week checks for understanding are essential to students knowing how they are doing with respect to the ultimate learning goals.

Metacognitive strategies: Students need opportunities to plan, organize, direct, and monitor their own work – and to reflect as they proceed. When we provide students with time and space to be aware of their own knowledge and their own thinking, student ownership increases. Research shows that metacognition can be taught. 

Mantras and Mottoes

This week’s (and the year’s final) article summary is Mantras and Mottoes.

While this blog (from the Head of Laurel School in Cleveland) was about New Year’s resolutions, it fits for me as the final article summary of the school year as summer is the time when I reflect and make resolutions for the next school year.

As I went right from college to a teaching, I have 'never never had' a summer break.

Even though I come to Trinity most days over the summer, the months of June and July afford me the opportunity to think and reflect. 

If you’re like me, my first year of teaching was more about survival. Over the summer after my first year of teaching I thought a lot about what went well and what didn’t and committed to myself to begin my second year trying some different techniques in the classroom.

Every year since, I devote time in the summer to evaluating who I am as a professional (good, bad, and ugly) and what goals I plan to set for myself for the coming school year. 

The blog below highlights some important mantras and mottoes the Head of Laurel School lives by as a professional. Some of the mantras and mottoes she came up with herself, others she borrowed from mentors.

As we get ready to scatter for summer break, try to make some time over the next few months to think of the mantras/mottoes that influence and define you as an educator.

I also want to thank all of you for another wonderful and special year. Your dedication, energy, and creativity are what set Trinity apart from other schools!

Joe

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Some mantras and mottoes — phrases I come back to over and over to help me remember that which is most important at school. 

Heart, Head, and Hand: D.L. Moody, founder of Northfield Mount Hermon in Massachusetts, believed in heart, head, and hand — encouraging a child’s spirit, intellect, and ability to make meaning through purposeful work.

Put the child at the center and all the adults will do the right thing. This one goes back to my days as a young teacher under the brilliant leadership of Mildred Berendsen at The Chapin School (New York). It’s true. First cousin to this mantra is, “We’re all on the same side, and it’s your child’s side.”

Dare to fail gloriously. This motto is attributed to the legendary acting teacher Michael Chekhov. If you’re going to take a risk, don’t hold back. Be bold. This is a particularly good motto for high-achieving, potentially risk-averse girls.

Whole child, whole time. This one reminds us that we, in schools, are wise to consider a child’s social and emotional well-being all the way through her years at school; that even older girls need to know they are cared for; and that we are interested in every aspect of their social and emotional well-being.

Don’t give away your power. Girls—and boys too--need to grow up knowing they have power. Sometimes they forget that as they seek to please parents, teachers, friends. Not giving away your power remains an important concept to continue to put in front of girls. At Laurel School, we empower girls to claim their voices and change the world. To achieve that lofty goal, it’s vital for them to know that each one of them has personal power to put to use for good.

You’re a Laurel Girl 24 hours a day — in school, out of school, and on the Internet. Our middle and upper school girls know this one by heart. If social media is the Wild West for girls, then it’s particularly important that the school hold the envelope and be clear about what behavior is and is not acceptable. Empathy and kindness are virtues to care about beyond the boundaries of the school day. Actions have consequences. Does the knowledge of this mantra prevent every unkind post or tweet or text? Of course not. However, does it help girls who are trying to respect one another? We think so.

Feel free to blame Laurel for your good behavior. Forging a strong moral compass, an intrinsic understanding of right and wrong, is work all children and young people must do. Ultimately, I want every girl to have the proverbial courage of her convictions, but as she is getting stronger and braver, she may find it helpful to lean on the school’s expectations as an excuse not to choose to participate in particular activities.

It’s not the mistake but how you move forward from the mistake that matters. This is such a sensible, growth-mindset approach. In a school that encourages risk-taking and growth mindset, we know we cannot all be our best selves every minute of every day. Mistakes are powerful teachers; we must let our ambitious, high-powered girls know that we all make mistakes and that we all have the opportunity to learn from them.

If you believe 50 percent of what they say about us, we’ll believe 50 percent of what they say about you From Joyce Evans, who was head of The Town School (New York). I use this phrase at many parents’ gatherings. We all want to trust our children to be faithful reporters, but feelings sometimes color the way in which any of us present the facts.