The Best and Worst Parenting Advice

This week's article summary is The Best and Worst Parenting Advice.

Whether we’re parents, teachers, or both, we all struggle about how best to raise our kids and/or teach our students.

Parents/teachers want the same outcomes for their kids/students: to be kind, empathetic, confident, independent, empowered (but not entitled), humble, appreciative, selfless, socially aware, intrinsically motivated, etc.

Where we differ is the methodology we use to try to shape and influence our kids: some of us are more lax and permissive, others more strict and even authoritarian. Often our parenting and teaching style is influenced by how we were taught and parented. 

The child psychologist in the article recommends parenting/teaching strategies that help a child develop personal empowerment, understand the cause and effect of their actions, and, maybe most important, see that others lean and rely on the child for help and support.

As humans, our genetic make-up combines both selfishness and selflessness. We do want what’s best for us but we need the help and support of others to achieve it. Unlike other animals that operate on instinct, humans have a sense of fairness; hence, if I help you, it’s only fair that you help me.  Getting kids to not only see why their behavior was wrong but in what ways it affected others is, to me, the provocative takeaway from the article.

The toughest aspect of being a parent or teacher is when our frustration level escalates to the point where we dictatorially impose our will and punishments on our kids. When we begin to lose our cool for whatever reason, we sacrifice providing our children/students with true learning lessons that can foster reflection and the development of intrinsic motivation/decision-making for the more expedient extrinsic consequence that research consistently says doesn’t work and even has a negative effect on the child.

We were imperfect and so are as parents and teachers. Sometimes the pressures of life can get in the way of good parenting and teaching. Still, it’s always important for us to keep the ultimate outcomes for our kids in mind and strive for the ideal even if we fall short a lot of the time.

Joe

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Adam Grant, a child psychologist, author and professor at Wharton, took time to talk to us about his insights on parenting, having sparked global debate with columns on raising a moral child and changing the way we talk to kids about work.

What's the worst parenting advice you've heard?

The worst parenting advice that I've ever heard is that when kids do something wrong, they need to be punished. There's a classic study of rescuers during the Holocaust who put their own lives on the line in order to save, in some cases, complete strangers. The question was: what made them different from their peers, living in the same towns, who never stepped up and became heroes? And the answer was that in part, their parents responded very differently when they misbehaved. The ordinary citizens were constantly punished when they did something wrong and they learned to try to avoid negative consequences, whereas the Holocaust rescuers, instead of being punished, were actually given explanations. So when they broke a rule, they were told this is a rule that might seem silly, but here's the value or principle behind it, or here's how your behavior hurt other people. And then they were much more likely to reflect on the ultimate impact of their behavior on others. Now, of course, we don't know whether this parenting strategy ultimately caused them to engage in these extraordinary acts of heroism and sacrifice and courage. What we do know, though, is that they learn to engage in a different kind of moral reasoning and that instead of being just told that your behavior is wrong, or being penalized, if you actually understand why it has negative impacts, what it does to harm other people, you're much more likely to form your own moral principles around trying to do right by others. And that ultimately is something that more parents can encourage their kids to do.

On the flip side, can you share the best advice?

I think the best parenting advice I've ever received is to show kids that they matter, and that other people rely on them. We all need to feel that other people rely on us. I think parents often miss that with children. We feel that it's our job to teach them, to protect them, to care for them. And we don't ever give them the chance then to build their own resilience by helping us solve problems. One of the ways we can we can put this advice into action is to ask our kids for guidance every once in a while.  When I'm nervous about a big speech, for example, I've asked them how I should manage that anxiety, which shows I have a lot of confidence in them. It also gives them a chance when they find themselves in a similar situation to think back on their guidance. And that makes them feel like they're active, that they have something to contribute and offer as opposed to just being dependent on other people. Every child needs to feel that they matter; even as young as six, seven, eight years old, they need to feel that other people are counting on them, that they can make a difference in the lives of others. It's an important way to make them feel that they matter and to build their strength.

Anxiety in Children

This week's article summary is Kids Are More Anxious Than They've Ever Been, The article is a few years old but its recommendations are even more appropriate for the present.

Even before the impact of Covid-19, anxiety in children of all ages had increased exponentially over the past 20 years.

While there are many reasons large and small, the article specifically highlights parental overprotection of their children. While over the past year there have been ample health and safety reasons to be over-protective, as we incrementally begin to revert to pre-pandemic normalcy, adults (parents and educators) need to remember how important it is to let kids be the primary guides and determinants of their lives, including opportunities to make their own decisions, which will lead to missteps, accidents, and errors.

In an attempt to ensure their children’s emotional and physical safety, parents often aren’t giving them the freedom and flexibility to develop the confidence to handle the challenges they will encounter. The article recommends that parents take a step back and let their kids experience a little more risk and danger in their lives. While, yes, there will be more scrapes, cuts, and bruises, the article states that “the long-term benefits greatly outweigh the risks.”

I’m not sure that modern parents will embrace books like 50 Dangerous Things You Should Let Your Kid Do let alone practice free-range parenting, yet both parents and teachers need to realize that for children to build the self-confidence, independence, and resilience, they need opportunities to make and learn from their mistakes and to take some risks. 

 Joe

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Anxiety has become an epidemic, now eclipsing depression as the most common health disorder, particularly among younger people.

While several hypotheses exist which try to point blame for the increasingly common condition, researchers have found that the overprotection of children may have something to do with it.

Think back to when you were a kid and things were different. Remember teeter totters bigger kids could use to make lighter ones go flying, or merry-go-rounds that spun at dizzying speeds, and swings that went so high you could lose your stomach? Well, those things largely don't exist anymore. Instead, many playgrounds feature soft rubber mulch and slides and climbers so low to the ground anyone would be hard-pressed to get a scratch or broken bone.

Yet according to a study published in Evolutionary Psychology, risky play — the kind where someone actually could get hurt—is good for kids. Researchers suggest that the fear kids experience when climbing at great heights, being near a cliff or handling a knife keeps them alert and careful and teaches them how to cope with potentially dangerous situations. And over time, mastering such scary situations has an "anti-phobic" effect which results in lower levels of anxiety overall.

The study outlines six categories of risky play:

• Great heights, which could result in falling and includes climbing, jumping from still or flexible surfaces, balancing on high objects and hanging or swinging high off the ground
• High speed, which could result in collision and includes doing things like swinging, sliding, running, biking, skating or skiing at an uncontrolled pace
• Dangerous tools, including things like cutting tools or ropes which could strangle
• Dangerous elements including cliffs, deep or icy water or fire
• Rough-and-tumble activities including wrestling, play fighting or fencing with sticks
• Disappearance/getting lost, which could result from exploring or playing alone

So, does allowing kids to participate in some of these kinds of risky play increase their chances of getting hurt? Yes, although typically injuries are minor. Essentially, researchers believe that the long-term benefits greatly outweigh the risks.

Citing this research, The Atlantic published a fascinating story about a parcel of land in North Wales which is designated as a place for kids to play, although it's more like a muddy junkyard and less like a playground. Adult supervision is conducted in the background and kids do things like light fires, knock over pallets and attempt to use a frayed rope swing to transverse a creek.

Sounds like the kind of place a kid could gain some confidence, doesn't it?

The next time you slice the carrots (so as to keep your seven-year-old from cutting off a finger), or disallow the poking of sticks into the fire pit (because ember-tipped wands can burn someone), recall what it felt like to be a kid left alone. Remember pulling yourself up into a tree and the feeling of your hands and feet clinging to branches so as to keep yourself from falling?

That's the stuff of self-assurance.

 This week's article summary is Black History is Not American History: Towards a Framework of Black Historical Consciousness.

As a former history teacher, I related to the author’s comments about how black history is typically covered within the larger context of an American History class: students usually learn about slavery, the Civil War, and the Civil Rights Movement of the 1950s and 60s. Often these topics are presented in a sanitized, single-dimensional manner so as not to create controversy.

Similar superficial presentations often occur during Black History Month.

There are a number of reasons we continue to teach black history in this shallow manner: the vast majority (about 85%) of American teachers are white and often don’t know enough about the complexities of the black experience in America and the ways in which institutional racial prejudice continues to impact the present. We also envision the history of America as a progressive narrative where we overcome challenges and then live in a better life. We also avoid difficult conversations, especially around race.

The article below provides a framework (with six core concepts) on how we as teachers and schools can begin to more authentically include black history within the study of American history, within our classrooms, and during Black History month. Increased awareness and understanding begin with educators learning more about black history and being open about confronting the uglier aspects of racism in America’s past and present.

Our summer reading options this year will focus around the theme of racism. One book I highly recommend is Caste, an impactful historic tour-de-force of racism in America. They’ll be other provocative options as well, but, as the article below attests, the key is we all, myself included, have much more to learn.

Joe

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Black History is American History, but the integrated model has so far provided only the illusion of inclusion. African Americans might be present in the narrative, but the curriculum remains Eurocentric, with largely cosmetic diversity. 

Guided by textbooks, most history teachers’ narratives include three major segments:

• Enslavement, in which black people are seen as passive and powerless
• The post-Civil War and Reconstruction era, featuring a few heroic black leaders
• The 1960s civil rights movement, emphasizing MLK’s credo of nonviolence

These themes are largely predicated on how white people wish to see or imagine black people to be through history education. They represent an effort to sanitize the ugliness, diminish achievements and contributions, ignore the diversity of blackness, and pigeonhole black people as monolithic in an effort to not to offend white people about America’s legacy. 

We need to implement “black historical consciousness” in classrooms, stemming from a robust, well-rounded curriculum that conveys black histories (versus the singular black history) in a way that recognizes the humanity, perspectives, and voices of African Americans. 

Yes, the desired destination is for black history to be American history but right now the curriculum simply does not take black history or people seriously.

Accurate history instruction has six concepts at its core:

Power, Oppression, and Racism: These have to be understood as systemic and institutional, not individual or cosmetic. Without that perspective, we begin to believe that black people are naturally deficient compared to white people because we do not understand the systemic oppression that has limited and, in some cases, controlled black life histories. Here are some guiding questions:

• How did enslavement undermine democratic principles?
• How did racism divide the country?
• How did slave owners use the government to their advantage?
• Why did the United States abandon Reconstruction?

Key topics: Slavery in North and South America; the development and sustainability of chattel slavery; the emergence of Jim Crow segregation and political disenfranchisement; redlining; the impact of Reagonomics and the war on drugs; mass incarceration

Black Agency, Resistance, and Perseverance: Countering the paternalistic “black suffering” narrative, the key point is that although black people have been victimized, they were not helpless victims. They have the capacity to act independently, have made their own decisions based on their interests, and have fought back against oppressive structures. Some guiding questions:

•  How do African Americans make social change?
• What makes movements successful?
• Was the civil rights movement successful?
• Should black people be considered founders of the United States of America?
• What was great about the great migration?

Key topics: African resistance to slavery; the abolitionist movement; the narratives of free black people; black military experiences; black reconstruction; the development of black social institutions; two great migrations; the long civil rights movement; NAACP and the courts; the Black Power movement; and inventions by African Americans

Africa and the African Diaspora: This segment is important because it reminds us that black history did not begin with European contact and enslavement, putting it in the context of human origins and the rich history of the African continent. Some guiding questions:

• What are the legacies of Black Diaspora movements?
• Are we all Africans?
• How did trans-Saharan trade lead to West African wealth and success?
• How did the Haitian Revolution influence American enslavement?
• How have black people drawn on their African heritage in civil rights struggles?

Key topics: African origins of humans; African civilization, kingdoms, and dynasties; African explorers and pre-colonial presence; the anticolonial movement in Africa; African presence in New Spain, France, and English colonies; the impact of the Haitian Revolution; slavery in Africa versus race-based slavery.

Black Joy: This is an extension of agency, resistance, and perseverance. Black joy is a liberation and radical project that defied oppressive structures of the time. These histories focus on times of happiness, togetherness, and the perennial fight for freedom. Some guiding questions:

• Were the 1920s a time of cultural change?
• How does African-American cultural expression define society?
• How did sports provide a source of pride?
• What is the lasting legacy of African Americans in sports?
• Is black joy agency or resistance?

Key topics: African and African-American family dynamics; black music, dance, and other cultural expressions; the arts, literature, and popular culture; African-American cuisine; the Harlem renaissance; African Americans in sports; the making of African and African-American holidays and traditions; and the Black Arts movement of the 1960s

Black Identities: Black history should not only be about black men who are middle class, Christian, heterosexual, and able-bodied. We need to expand those narratives because black people are not monolithic. Some guiding questions:

• Who is black?
• Why do we ignore black women in black history?
• Who wins and loses through black liberation movements?
• How did the Stonewall riots influence the black LGBTQ+ community?

Key topics: Black and Tribal experiences; black conservationism; black identities and the Diaspora; black HERstories; black LGBTQ+ history; black class conflict; black political thought; black feminists; the anti-apartheid movement; the Caribbean Black Power movement; Black Lives Matter; Afro-Latin cultural movements in South America and the Caribbean; black nationalism; and the Combahee River Collective

Historical Contention: Black histories have been problematic and susceptible to the evils of sexism, capitalism, and black ethnic subjugation. The point here is not to proclaim a ‘See, you do it too’ attitude, but to recognize that black people have complex dimensions. Some guiding questions:

• Are Africans to blame for the transatlantic slave trade?
• How did African indigenous populations fight against 1800s colonization efforts?
• Do black ethnic groups in the U.S. deserve reparations?
• How does sexism diminish the way we remember women’s leadership roles during the civil rights movement?

Key topics: Colonizing Africa; black socio-political-cultural global movements, including Pan-Africanism, the Garvey Movement (UNIA), Black Marxism, black separatism, the reparations movement, Rastafarianism, and Black Consciousness

Cultivating Emotional Resilience

 This week's article summary is 4 Practical Facts About The Human Brain That Can Help Cultivate Emotional Resilience.

At every admissions open house, I talk about how the academic and character foundation we shape in our students helps them, as our Program Pillars state, “adapt to new situations and an ever-changing world.”

While most prospective parents think of the literal, physical change of moving to a new school for middle school, this article highlights the importance of emotional resilience to deal with any kinds of change. 

One ‘a-ha’ for me from this article was that our physical body impacts our brain more than our brain controls our bodies. Often we ask misbehaving children to think before they act, but as this article attests we need to help them understand that their body typically tells them something and then sends that information to the brain: sensation precedes thought. I really liked the recommendation to have students be more aware of “What is your body trying to tell you?”

To me, one of the strengths of Trinity is we empower kids as students, by developing their self-awareness and self-advocacy. Helping them see how their body and its feelings, senses, and instincts impact their thoughts and reactions will help them develop the emotional resilience needed for middle school and life in general.

Joe

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Emotional resilience is a powerful tool in life. It can help you stay present under challenging circumstances and remain positive during stressful days.

But to cultivate it, we need to understand how our brain works. Below are a few facts from the latest neuroscience research that can help us become more resilient. 

80% OF YOUR BODY’S SIGNALS ARE SENT TO THE BRAIN FROM THE BODY, AND ONLY 20% THE OTHER WAY AROUND: Many of us see the brain as a central command center. But really it’s more of a logistics warehouse. In our bodies, the largest nerve that we have is called the vagus nerve. It goes from our gut (sometimes called the “gut brain”) into our brain. Any time you feel any feelings or sensations in your body, chances are it’s the vagus nerve–whether it’s a broken heart, anger, or happiness. You know that you feel like this because your body has sent signals to your brain. So instead of asking, “How can I control my body?” you could experiment with saying, “What is my body trying to tell me with that tight stomach, sunken heart, clenched shoulders?” and then hold space for that experience.

WHEN YOUR AMYGDALA IS ACTIVE, YOU CAN’T HAVE EMPATHY FOR OTHERS: You might have learned about the amygdala, an almond-sized part of your limbic system, sometimes called the emotion center of our brains. When anger, hurt, fear, and anxiety reach a certain threshold, the amygdala often “takes over” your brain activity. This means it disconnects from your neocortex saying, “I’m in charge now.” There’s now very little possibility for you to be compassionate to others until you’ve found a way to calm your amygdala and for your thinking brain to reconnect. Dr. Dan Siegel calls this “flipping your lid.” Your “lid,” being the neocortex is no longer keeping the amygdala–your “boiling pot”–connected. It’s bubbling and spewing about. Many of our most unfortunate experiences happen when we do things with a “flipped lid.”

THE EMOTIONAL CONTENT OF OUR VOICES IS AN IMPORTANT SIGNAL OF SAFETY TO OUR BRAINS: You might have heard the common saying, “Only 7% of our words are what matters, the rest is how we say it and body language.” That insight initially derived from a limited social sciences study from the 1970s. Many of those popularized findings don’t seem to hold up to our current standards of scientific knowledge. Despite that, there is some strong evidence today that the brain does rely mostly on the emotional content of the words we say. When we were living in the wild thousands of years ago, without language, the way we communicated to each other was not with words, but with sounds. A high-pitched sound in our voice signaled fear, threat, and danger to others. A low-pitched sound did the same. The safety signal was a medium to slightly high frequency pitched voice. This is often the voice we make when talking to babies, where we naturally raise our voices and speak making cooing sounds. It calms and soothes them, as it does for us.

ELEVATED STRESS CHANGES OUR BRAIN CHEMISTRY AND SHRINKS THE AREA CONNECTED TO MAKING GOALS: You might have heard before that stress is “bad” for you. And you might have felt depleted and exhausted after a stressful day and noticed how hard it is on you. From a brain perspective, there’s evidence that being in a prolonged stressful environment changes the chemistry of your brain. And by doing so, it shifts the brain’s resources. To keep the body running, the brain removes and even shrinks areas of your mind that you used for goal setting, being creative, and making decisions. 

Cultivating emotional resilience doesn’t come overnight, but you can get there if you start by understanding your brain. Next time you feel stressed, anxious, or worried, think about it in the context of these four facts. You might find that it helps you deal with it better.