As
teachers, we face two gender-related issues in the classroom: girls more often
work harder than they need to while boys more often don’t work hard enough.
Most
boys get used to hearing from their teachers and parents that they need to work
harder to fulfill their potential. Most also (my two boys and I are prime
examples) learned to play the game of hollowly promising to put in a better
effort the next time just to get parents and teachers off our backs.
Teachers
and parents often use girls’ effort, organization, and achievement as a positive
example for boys. Yet as the article explains, this creates the ideal that
girls measure themselves against, pressuring them to put it superhuman effort
to achieve and maintain. Boys seem naturally inclined to ‘fake it til you make
it’ and rely on their wits and confidence, not their developed competence while
girls begin to doubt their natural ability and often compensate through
over-work. Girls typically are over prepared for tests while boys are under
prepared.
The
article provides some tips for how we can help girls avoid becoming overcome
with the need to be perfect:
- Too much effort can be
counter-productive: Often you don’t need to prep for a test by studying
for all night. Test how much you already have learned and then assess how
much study time you need.
- Don’t over-praise herculean effort
and get girls to understand that economy of effort needs to be the goal.
- Talk about how we can’t be perfect in
all things all the time.
In
these ways we can help girls become more confident in their natural abilities
and not have them rely on effort.
Joe
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From
elementary school through college, girls are more disciplined about their
schoolwork than boys; they study harder and get better grades. Girls
consistently outperform boys academically. And yet, men nonetheless hold a
staggering 95% of the top positions in the largest public companies.
What
if those same habits that propel girls to the top of their class — their
hyper-conscientiousness about schoolwork — also hold them back in the work
force?
When
investigating what deters professional advancement for women, journalists Katty
Kay and Claire Shipman found that a shortage of competence is less likely to be
an obstacle than a shortage of confidence. When it comes to work-related
confidence, they found men are far ahead. “Underqualified and underprepared men
don’t think twice about leaning in. Overqualified and overprepared, too many
women still hold back. Women feel confident only when they are perfect.”
As
a psychologist who works with teenagers, I hear this concern often from the
parents of many of my patients. They routinely remark that their sons do just
enough to keep the adults off their backs, while their daughters relentlessly
grind, determined to leave no room for error. The girls don’t stop until
they’ve polished each assignment to a high shine and rewritten their notes with
color-coded precision.
We need to ask:
What if school is a confidence factory for our sons, but only a competence
factory for our daughters?
This
possibility hit me when I was seeing an eighth grader in my practice. She got
terrific grades but was feeling overwhelmed by school. Her brother, a ninth
grader, had similarly excellent grades, but when I asked if he worked as hard
as she did, she scoffed. If she worked on an assignment for an hour and got an
A, she felt “safe” only if she spent a full hour on other assignments like it.
Her brother, in contrast, flew through his work. When he brought home an A, she
said, he felt “like a stud.” If his grades slipped a bit, he would take his
effort up just a notch. But she never felt “safe” enough to ever put in less
than maximum effort.
That
experience — of succeeding in school while exerting minimal or moderate effort
— is a potentially crucial one. It may help our sons develop confidence, as
they see how much they can accomplish simply by counting on their wits. For
them, school serves as a test track, where they build their belief in their
abilities and grow increasingly at ease relying on them. Our daughters, on the
other hand, may miss the chance to gain confidence in their abilities if they
always count on intellectual elbow grease alone.
So how do we get hyper-conscientious girls (and boys,
as there certainly are some with the same style) to build both confidence and
competence at school?
First,
parents and teachers can stop praising inefficient overwork, even if it results
in good grades. Gendered approaches to learning set in early, so it’s never too
soon to start working against them. Recently, as I read “Harry Potter and the
Prisoner of Azkaban” to my 8-year-old daughter, I stopped at a passage in which
Hermione — the fictional poster child for academic fastidiousness — turned in
an essay that was “two rolls of parchment more than Professor Binns asked for.”
Hermione, I pointed out, doesn’t make great use of her time. She’s a capable
student and could probably do just as well without working so hard.
We
can also encourage girls toward a different approach to school — one that’s
more focused on economy of effort, rather than how many hours they put in.
Whenever one of the academically impressive and persistently anxious girls in
my practice tells me about staying up until 2 in the morning studying, I see an
opening. That’s the moment to push them to become tactical, to figure out how
to continue learning and getting the same grades while doing a little bit less.
I urge my patients — and my own teenage daughter — to begin study sessions by
taking sample tests, to see how much they know before figuring out how much
more they need to do to attain mastery over a concept or task. Many girls build
up an incredible capacity for work, but they need these moments to discover and
take pride in how much they already understand.
Teachers,
too, can challenge girls’ over-the-top tendencies. When a girl with a high-A
average turns in extra credit work, her instructor might ask if she is truly taken
with the subject or if she is looking to store up “insurance points,” as some
girls call them. If it’s the former, more power to her. If it’s the latter, the
teacher might encourage the student to trust that what she knows and the work
she is already doing will almost certainly deliver the grade she wants.
Educators can also point out to this student that she may not need insurance;
she probably has a much better grasp of the material than she gives herself
credit for.
Finally,
we can affirm for girls that it is normal and healthy to feel some anxiety
about school. Too often, girls are anxious even about being anxious, so they
turn to excessive studying for comfort. We can remind them that being a little
bit nervous about schoolwork just means that they care about it, which of
course they should.
Even
if neither you nor your daughter cares about becoming a chief executive, you
may worry that she will eventually be crushed by the weight of her own academic
habits. While a degree of stress promotes growth, working at top speed in every
class at all times is unhealthy and unsustainable for even the most dedicated
high school students. A colleague of mine likes to remind teenagers that in
classes where any score above 90 counts as an A, the difference between a 91
and a 99 is a life.
To
be sure, the confidence gap is hardly the only thing keeping women out of top
jobs. Women also face gender bias, sexual harassment, and powerful structural
barriers in the workplace. But confidence at school is one unequal advantage
that we can address right now. Instead of standing by as our daughters make 50
flashcards when they were assigned 20, we can step in and ask them why. Many
professional men brim with confidence because they have spent years getting to
know their abilities. Women should arrive in the work world having done the
same.
