What Emotionally Intelligent People Don't Do

This week's article summary is 7 Things Emotionally Intelligent People Don't Do.

It’s an apt reminder at the start of the second half of the school year about the importance of emotional intelligence in the classroom.

As we all know, everyone has both IQ and EQ. Even though IQ historically has gotten most of the attention, there’s been more focus on the importance of EQ over the past 10-15 years because, realistically, if you can’t get along and work well with others, your level of intelligence is of little importance.

EQ is just as important in the classroom. 

As we all settle back into the routines of school, some of us will easily readjust to basic expectations while others need guidance and reinforcement.

After an extended holiday break, we all benefit from a reminder of classroom and school norms that have guided us since the start of the school year—important qualities like self-regulation, growth mindset, care and respect for others, and personal responsibility.

Let’s make the second half of the school year a great one!

Joe

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The restaurant manager who speaks with poise and grace to the patron complaining loudly about the wait service. The partner who angers rarely, forgives easily, and assumes accountability for their actions. The successful CEO who balances her profession, her family responsibilities, and her personal hobbies with equal measures of calm and confidence.

What do these people have in common? In two words: Emotional Intelligence. 

According to Psychology Today, Emotional Intelligence is defined as an aptitude for identifying and managing emotions, and the emotions of others. It consists of three primary skills: the ability to analyze interior emotions and the feelings of those around them; the capacity to apply emotions to tasks; and the facility to take control of emotions — whether it’s managing their own before they veer out of control, or having the strength and capability to make another person smile, settle down, or handle a situation appropriately.

Those with high Emotional “IQs” have been proven to enjoy more prosperity in life. Whether they’re in a social or professional environment, they thrive. Their personal lives aren’t train wrecks, precisely because they’re lived from the point of thoughtful — and meaningful — decisions. They outperform others, excel at their jobs, are happy in their relationships, and consistently work towards attaining positive results in all aspects of life. 

So, the question is, what don’t they do? Here are 7 things emotionally intelligent people, as a rule, avoid:

They don’t get caught up in other people’s drama: One of the hallmarks of Emotional Intelligence is empathy. But there’s an enormous difference between displaying empathy towards a friend or loved one and allowing another person’s rage or misery to incense, dominate, or merely influence one’s well-being. Think of the histrionic behavior of your co-worker who is “distraught” not because she’s going through a break-up but because her friend is. Emotionally intelligent people listen carefully, provide gentle, loving, but authoritative advice, and offer assistance. But they don’t permit others’ lives and reactions to rule their own.

They don’t complain: Whining and grumbling implies two things — one, that we are victims, and two, there are no solutions to our problems. Rarely does an emotionally intelligent person feel victimized, and even more infrequently does an emotionally intelligent person feel that a solution is beyond their grasp. Instead of looking for someone or something to blame, they immediately think of how to constructively address the dilemma.

They don’t always say yes — to others and themselves: Like empathy, self-control and conviction are sure signs of an emotionally solid person. Emotionally intelligent people are aware that an invite to go on a spontaneous weekend rendezvous will detract them from fulfilling their preexisting commitments. They are definitive about their decisions, rather than saying “I don’t know, maybe?” which invites doubt — and with that, possibly heightened anxiety. The more often emotionally intelligent people exercise their right to say no, and the more frequently they rely on their willpower, the freer they are to concentrate on their ambitions and overall well-being.

They don’t gossip: Emotionally acute people sidestep gossip as determinedly as they skirt drama. To involve themselves in scandalous talk, they know, is to shame another for a supposed error — and an emotionally intelligent person understands that all humans are equally deserving, and that what others might perceive as a mistake is an opportunity for improvement.

They don’t count on others for happiness or confidence: Emotionally intelligent people are self-sufficient in all manners of life, including their contentment and peace of mind. They have learned that to bank on someone else making them feel joyful or worthy is to put themselves at risk for disappointment and hopelessness. Rather, they take their emotions in their own hands and find hobbies that delight them, strive for achievements that will lead to a sense of self-worth, and search within for love and acceptance.

They don’t engage in negative self-talk: While few of us are entirely immune to thinking (or saying) pessimistic statements that begin with “I” e.g., “I should have done better,” emotionally intelligent have the ability to curb cynical thoughts before they fall down the proverbial rabbit hole. Instead, they rely on facts to come to conclusions. For some, it’s a mere glance at their experience and accomplishments outlined on their resumes; for others, it’s the appearance of a clean and organized house, or an internal analysis of what they’ve done right. After all, emotionally intelligent people acknowledge that negative thoughts are just that — thoughts .

They don’t dwell on the past: People who exist more in their past than in their present are susceptible to a barrage of mental and spiritual grievances, from regret and nostalgia to agitation and trepidation. Emotionally intelligent people honor their pasts — the people they have loved, the mistakes they have made, the opportunities they’ve eschewed — but are mindful of the importance of living squarely in the here and now. By learning from the past (instead of dwelling on it), the emotionally intelligent have the power to inform their present — without diminishing their ability to advance or harness three of the most vital emotions of all: Self-satisfaction, gratitude, and hope.