Advice to Parents

This week’s article summary is I'm a Mom and a Child Psychologist: This is the Behavior I Actually Worry About

For those of you who have children, a common question we ask ourselves is “Am I a good parent?”

As you’ll see in the article below (written with parents in mind yet clearly applicable for teachers as well), in trying to be a good parent, we often opt to provide more safety, control, and structure in our kids’ lives.

While our goal for our kids is for them to be both happy and successful, too much adult supervision and oversight can lead to increased anxiety and dependence in our children.

I was fortunate that my parents intuitively followed the advice of this child psychologist and I tried to do the same for my kids. Now that I’m a grandparent, I keep mum regarding how my son and his wife are raising their children. I resist sending them articles like this but hope that they will receive sage advice from doctors, friends, common sense, etc.

To me, the best parents nurture, support, and guide their children while most importantly giving them enough space to find their own path and uniqueness.

Joe

-------

As a child psychologist, I speak with so many parents who are concerned about their child's development or behavior. Mostly my clients aren't sure what behaviors should raise a red flag for them—"Should I worry when my child does this" or "Is it weird that my child said that..."

When I became a mom to two boys, my work only heightened some of the concerns I, like all parents, have. After all, I witness firsthand how parenting can affect kids. Parents have a whirlwind of things to worry about, but we just can’t worry about everything.

I don't worry...

If I am being a positive role model: As a working mom, I don't always get to spend all day with my boys. But what’s more important than the quantity of time you spend with your kids is the quality of the time you do have together. When I am with my children, whether for an hour or a full day, I am responsive to their cues and needs. During the work day, my children are with experienced caregivers who help teach them how to be resilient and adaptable to change. Even if you don’t go to work, time apart from you can help teach your child autonomy and independence.

If they are meeting their milestones: Children meet developmental milestones when they are ready. There are ranges of what is considered appropriate and what may be considered delayed. One piece of advice is to not compare your child to others. Focus more on how your children make progress by comparing them to themselves—if they are progressing each day, each week, each month, that’s what really matters. If you do have concerns, share them with your pediatrician not with other parents.

If there’s a change in our routine: I keep my children out late on holidays and will sometimes skip a nap to do a fun activity. So many parents feel they have to stick to a strict schedule or their children will fall apart. There's no question that children thrive from routine and benefit from clear expectations. Children, like most people, do better when they know what to expect. But changes in your daily routine or schedule will not break your children. Schedules can be adjusted, sleep can be retrained, and bad behavior can be extinguished, but having ice cream for breakfast on his birthday is something your child will remember forever.

If my kids are picky eaters: As long as the pediatrician doesn’t have concerns about their weight or health, I don’t fight my kids on food. I have found that when I try to force my toddler to try something new, he is resistant. However, when I give him the option by putting it on his plate with other familiar and comfortable foods, he is more willing to take a bite since the pressure is low and the choice is his.

If my kids have screen time: Like everything else, exposure to screens and technology can be useful, if it is carefully monitored and regulated by caretakers. Engage with your child while watching TV and discuss the characters and themes of the episode during commercials. Most devices have parental controls—take advantage of them. If you have an older child with an iPhone, set up Screen Time, which lets you monitor how they are using their devices and set time limits on app categories like games or social media. Tablets can also be great educational tools and they are often a must-have on long car rides or in waiting rooms.

I do worry...

About who my kids’ friends are: Focus your energy toward getting to know your child’s friends and educating your children on how to make good friends. It's OK to suggest things he may want to do differently during the next playdate. For example, if you observed your child never getting to choose the activity, you can say “I noticed that you always agreed to play what Johnny wanted to play, what did you want to play?” Role-playing is a great way to help your child develop self-advocacy skills. I also try to encourage my son to do activities that are of high interest to him, as opposed to choosing an activity just because it's popular. Expose your child to a variety of activities and pursue the ones that your child seems to enjoy. This will teach him to be a leader and not always follow along with the crowd, and he will likely meet peers with similar interests.

If my child is kind: I sometimes observe children acting mean, not because they are actually mean, but because they have heard or witnessed others being mean. Kids are like sponges, they take everything in, even when you don’t think they are paying attention. I always try to teach my children to use kind language like “everyone’s included” and “kindness counts." I also have honest (age-appropriate) conversations with them about when they observe others being unkind. We discuss what we observed and explore what other options the person had that could have led to more positive outcomes. Teach empathy: your children do not have to like everyone, but they should still be kind to everyone. When my children and I observe someone being unfriendly we try to evaluate the situation from a different perspective: Is it possible that the person is just having a bad day?

If I am making the right educational decisions for my kids: As educational standards shift, so do societal expectations. So much so that it often feels like our kindergarteners are being prepped more for college readiness than social adjustment. As parents, we are constantly faced with the question of are we doing right by our children. Have we signed them up for enough extracurricular? No decision you make for your children is set in stone. If you think you may be pushing them too hard, try pulling back and see how they do. 

If my child is happy: Sure, I know my toddler is happier playing than doing homework but is he really truly happy deep down at his core? This is something that feels so out of my control as a parent. Rather than just worry about it, ask your children directly how she is feeling on a daily basis, and try not to be dismissive of her concerns. If there is something bothering her, suggest strategies for her to use. Then follow up with your child on how it went. If your child is still struggling, seek professional help. Low-level issues that are not addressed can turn into larger problems later in life.

Knowing what concerns to prioritize makes the parenting journey much calmer. If you're feeling worried or stressed, remember you are not the only parent to feel this way. You can turn to your friends, family, or professionals (like a school psychologist or pediatrician) for help.