Helicopter Parenting

This week’s article summary is an infographic entitled Helicopter Parenting and Its Long-lasting Effect, which is an appropriate follow-up to last week’s article on the dangers of ‘overparenting’.

Most of us have heard the term ‘helicopter parent’. 

What’s sobering about the statistics below is how deleterious parental hovering can be in the overall development of a young adult—which really begins to surface when teens enter college incapable of and anxious about taking charge of their lives as students and as people. 

Clearly Hollywood recognizes the absurdity of overprotective parents creating neer-do-well, aimless guys. Think of any Judd Apatow/Seth Rogen movie—funny and tragic at the same time.

Yes, it is tougher to be a parent today. As David Walsh states, we live in a Yes Culture—where everything is ‘more, easier, faster’; rarely are kids told today ‘no, you can’t or yes you must’. Consequently many parents today feel that in order for their children to keep pace with other kids, they cram their children’s schedule with ‘enrichment activities’, most of which are adult led and directed, leaving kids no time to practice and develop important skills and habits like personal responsible decision-making, time management, etc.

The result can often be that college students have had a plethora of experiences but very little practice with voice, choice, and decision-making—or, as the infograph states, little ‘executive function skills’. (If you haven’t read the book Excellent Sheep, pick it up.)

Earlier this week I met with a number of fathers in a Dialogue with Dads meeting and had them in small groups look at the signs below of helicopter parenting and assess how well they avoided them. While all could see the danger of being a helicopter parent, most were honest that it was difficult for parents today to avoid every one of these signs.

While it’s it tougher to be a parent today, we all must remember what we ultimately want for our kids: autonomy, self-sufficiency, self-regulation, resilience, persistence. And just as academic skills need much practice, these habits and skills above need practice too—and overparenting does not help a child develop into a fully-rounded and self-assured adult.

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What is a helicopter parent?

• A helicopter parent has been described as any parent who ‘hovers’ closely over their children
• This may mean being within arm’s reach, even if it’s against their children’s own wishes, both literally and metaphorically
• The term ‘helicopter parent’ was coined in 1968 when it appeared in Between Parent and Teenage by Haim Ginott, who notes a teen using the phrase to describe his mother
• The phrase became popular in the early 2000s as baby boomers and Generation X parents began sending their children to college.
• College administrators noticed behaviors starting to develop such as calling to wake their children up, or complaining to professors about their children’s grades.

Helicopter parenting follows three principal patterns:

• When we do for our kids what they can already do for themselves.
• When we do for our kids what they can almost do for themselves.
• When our parenting behaviors is motivated by our own egos.

Impact of helicopter parenting on job searches

• 30% of recruiters had a parent submit a resume for their child
• 25% have been contacted by a parent who feels their child should receive a job
• 15% had a parent call to schedule an interview for their child.
• 10% have had a parent negotiate their child’s salary and benefits
• 4% have seen parent show up to interviews with their child
• 70% of young job seekers say they need to speak to their parents before accepting a job offer

How helicopter parenting affects kids

• In 2013, 95% of college counseling centers reported that the number of students with significant psychological problems is a growing concern on their campus
• A study of college students found that:
• 84% felt overwhelmed by responsibilities
• 60% felt very sad
• ]57% felt very lonely
• 51% felt overwhelming anxiety

Lasting issues

• Helicopter parenting has been associated with ‘problematic development in emerging adulthood…by limiting opportunities for emerging adults to practice and develop important skills needed for becoming self-reliant adults.’
• College students with helicopter parents self-reported significantly higher levels of depression and less satisfaction with life
• A 2014 study found a correlation between highly structured childhoods and a lack of executive function capabilities
• Helicopter parenting is associated with low self-worth and an increased tendency to engage in risky behaviors, such as smoking and binge drinking

Signs of helicopter parenting

• Inability to let go: a helicopter parent feels considerable emotional pain when they are out of their child’s presence. They may be unable to focus on others activities while a child is at school or elsewhere
• Spoiling children: Wanting the best for your child may sometimes take the form of simply giving it to them, leading to a cycle of spoiling which may affect the child for years to come.
• Lobbying: Rather than letting children make and learn from mistakes, helicopter parents may step in to defend their child regardless of the situation.
• Being a security guard: Not allowing children to engage in certain forms of play, not allowing them to work their own way out of a situation with other children, or helping your child to avoid conflicts altogether
• Helping too much with homework: Occasional homework help is necessary as a parent, but too much help or doing it altogether is a sign
• Germaphobia: A less common sign is a tendency to avoid germs and bacteria more than normal.
• Watchdogging: Keeping tabs on kids at all times, whether in person or electronically, while never allowing them to be somewhere you are not is a sign
• Too many extracurricular activities: Helicopter parents will often over schedule their children’s lives in an effort to ensure that they will have the fullest possible experiences of childhood. Often this is for their transcripts to be appealing to colleges.
• Too much praise: Many helicopter parents believe that their children should never have to experience the feeling of failure and will pile on too much praise. This can potentially breed poor performance and narcissism later in life.