What's the Ultimate Goal?

This week's article summary is The One Question Every Parent Should Quit Asking. (Thank you to Jill for sending it to me!)

It captures parent anxiety and worry in wanting their child(ren) to have choices and opportunities in order to optimally prepare them for today's competitive world.

But, in over-scheduling and over-pushing children, parents getting in the way of their child's overall development by not giving them the latitude to be kids, make mistakes, and learn from missteps.

It's a compelling read that most parents will relate with.

Joe

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"It's like she's not even practicing." My daughter’s piano teacher was standing in front of me, giving her honest assessment. My parental guilt took over. Once we got home, I was determined to show that piano teacher that my daughter could be the next Liberace. So we opened her music book and got to work. We sat side-by-side at the piano for all of 10 minutes when she began to fade. She wasn't even looking at the notes. I tried to be encouraging, but every half-hearted effort from her quickly depleted my well of encouragement.

"Sweetheart," I said, in a tone that didn't match the pet name. "Don't you want to be good at this?"

She didn't say anything. So I asked again.

"Honey. Don't you want to be good at piano?"

"No," she answered.

"Fine," I said, calling her bluff. "I guess we just won't practice anymore.”

I got up and walked to the kitchen where my son was busy not doing his homework. "What are you doing?! Finish your homework! We have to leave for basketball practice in 10 minutes! Let's go! You're not even dressed!"

Not my best parenting moments.

I am not proud of it, but the simple truth is that I worry about my kids and their level of engagement. And maybe you do, too. I frequently feel myself getting sucked into the vortex of expectations. All the other parents are talking about great opportunities they are providing for their kids. Special summer camps. Private tutors. Music lessons. Coaching clinics. And when I hear how other kids are participating in these activities, I can't help but feel that my children will be left behind or left out if they don't take part. I picture a future where other kids are having fun together, solving quadratic equations and getting six-figure jobs right out of junior high while mine are sitting in the corner eating Elmer's Glue from the bottle.

And it's all my fault.

So, in an effort to prepare our kids for the dog-eat-dog, competitive world before them, we fill their days with activity. Schedule them from dawn to dusk to maximize their potential. So they can learn. And grow.

But I fear that in our quest to help them, we may actually be hurting them.
"Free time" for kids has been steadily declining since the 1950s. One study revealed, from 1981 to 1997, kids experienced a 25% decrease in playtime and a 55% decrease in time talking with others at home while time spent on homework increased by 145%, and time spent shopping with parents increased by 168%.

Another study looked at psychological trends in youth during a similar period and noticed a sharp increase in anxiety and depression. Our kids are more stressed out than before.
A third study showed a shift in motivation over the years, with kids in the 60s and 70s reporting being more motivated by intrinsic ideals (self-acceptance, affiliation and community) while kids today are more motivated by extrinsic ideals (money, image and fame).

As parents, we focus 100% of our energy asking the wrong question: "What might we miss if we don't take advantage of these opportunities?" And we need to stop. Why? Because the motivation behind this question is fear. And the fear is all mine.

I worry that that my kids will be made fun of if they don't have socially acceptable "stuff." I worry they won't become elite athletes unless they specialize in a sport by age 10. I worry that they won't get into college if they don't do well in school.

But the fears are largely unfounded.

The "stuff" issue is easily overcome with common sense. No one in the history of the world has ever been able to buy a true friend. And in the athletic realm, kids who specialize in sports are no better off than those who don't, and in some cases, the specialization is actually a detriment. As for the academic worry, that may be the biggest unfounded fear of all. We buy into the hype that college is much more competitive today, so we push our kids to take advantage of every learning opportunity under the sun. The truth is, in the past 10 years, admissions counselors saw their average number of applications nearly double because of parents like us. We're frantically submitting applications out of fear. Even so, colleges are still accepting two-thirds of all applicants on average.

Bottom line: we parents need to chill out and change our questions. Here are two that can help us all gain some perspective and start finding more genuine joy in our lives.

"What are we losing in our quest for success?"

If you are like me, most valuable parts of your childhood did not take place in a special classroom or perfect practice field. Sure, you had teachers and parents to encourage you to do your best and work toward a goal, but that was balanced by plenty of other worthwhile pursuits like tearing apart a Stretch Armstrong doll to see what was inside, building bike ramps in the driveway, and racing leaf boats through a drainage ditch in a rainstorm. But we've sacrificed these things in pursuit of an ideal, and we've turned our children into little mini-adults in the process. Tiny professionals who have no time for brain-building, soul-boosting play during the week, so they desperately cram it into a weekend schedule packed with structured sports and recitals.

The bigger issue is "What's the ultimate goal?"

Encouraging a child's potential is a good thing. And there is nothing wrong with extracurricular activities. They teach worthwhile skills and instill core values in a child. Values such as discipline, commitment, goal-setting, and persistence. And providing these opportunities is my job as a parent. But there is a big difference between wanting what's best for your kids, and wanting them to be the best.

Wanting what's best for your kids is all about the child. It's about helping them find something they are passionate about so they are intrinsically driven to find their passion, whether in art, music, sports, writing, academics, or community service.

Wanting them to be the best is all about me. My expectations. My fears. So I yell at them from the stands, correct them after lessons, and coax them into activities that suck the fun out of childhood. And in the process, I teach them that their worth is wrapped up in how they perform. I teach them that second place is losing. I teach them that judgment is more important than love and acceptance.

What if I were to ask you to list the five people who have meant the most to you in your life? The ones who taught you what it means to be a true friend. A person of integrity. The list would be filled with people who never had a highway or high school named after them. People who never had their name carved on a ceremonial trophy. The mere thought of their faces likely makes your heart swell. Might even bring a tear to your eye.


And this is the goal. To be on the list for our kids. So that they might be on someone else's list someday.