Parent-Teacher Relations

There was a recent article in The New York Times called The Dicey Parent-Teacher Duet that provided some sage advice on how to foster stronger relationships between parents and teachers.

The author is both a teacher and parent, and she wrote the article from both perspectives.

Parent involvement in a child's life is a delicate balance:  On the one hand, you want need to provide guidance and support while on the other hand you don't want to smother your child and "become an obstacle to your child's growth."

The author points out that in fact many parents are not very comfortable at school. They think of school they way they experienced it. I have heard from many parents how uncomfortable they are in my office: they feel like they're in trouble.

Parents also typically have one to a few kids, and they don't have much experience with the full gamut of kids, as teachers do. (I'm a parent with two kids, yet I've taught and coached thousands of students through the years.)

But teachers are uncomfortable as well. Most of us became teachers because we liked school, the classroom, and kids. We leave our comfort zone when we have parent-teacher conferecnes. The author of the article also points out that teaching today is tougher than ever: "Teachers are being bashed everywhere they turn. They're scared. They feel parents put their jobs in jeopardy. The parent is in the position of power."

She offers a few tips on "how to best reduce the mutual anxieties and establish and maintain the kind of trust that is essential to respectful and productive parent-teacher communications."

First, parents need to empower their children to be personal advocates. The author cautions parents to resist contacting the school whenever their child is dealing with some difficulty at school. As many child psychologists (Wendy Mogel, Madeline Levine, Robert Evans, etc.) have noted, kids need to learn how to deal with and overcome problems and disappointments. Don't call the school when your child doesn't make the basketball team or gets the part he/she wants in a play. Instead ask them how they will deal with and settle the problem. (Of course, there are times--bullying, etc.--when parents need to take the lead, yet in my experience parents are all too often much too quick to get involved with a school issue that the child needs to deal with on his/her own.)

Second, be mindful of how dangerous electronic communication can be. Use it to convey factual information. Teachers and parents should not get into lengthy email communication over meatier topics. Use email to set a time to speak on the phone or better to meet face-to-face.

In terms of email etiquette, the author also cautions teachers or parents to not cc the teacher's supervisor. To her, "it's disrespectful to teachers and parents alike, as it sends the message you don't think there's even a chance you can work this out on your own."

Teachers need to respond to parents inquiries in a reasonable time period. Even if you won't be able to deal with the issue immediately, still let parents know that you have it on your list and, if possible, give them an approximate time you'll be in back in touch with them.

Teachers also need to develop a trusting relationship with parents. This occurs more easily if, early in the year, the teacher contacts parents with good news about their child. Teachers need to show parents that they know and understand every student as a unique individual. With that accomplished and a level of trust set, it's much easier for a teacher to contact a parent about a concern.

Finally, the author advises parents to listen skeptically to your child's explanation of what happens at school. We are all the protagonist of our own life story and our version is rarely 100% accurate and objective. And going back to her first recommendation, if your child does complain about something at school, empower him/her to work out the problem.