Digital Media's Influence on Boys

This week's article summary is Digital Culture is Defining Boyhood, and it's a follow-up to a recent summary, which focused on how boys today are exposed to anti-social attitudes/behaviors by social media influencers.

Like last week’s recommendations, this article stresses the importance of boys (and girls as well) having strong, trusting relationships with peers and role models, especially teachers, coaches, and parents.

The author recommends that rather than demonize technology, parents need to guide their children to appropriate technology use. Most boys like to play video games and watch YouTube and TikTok videos. By trying to ban tech use, parents make the forbidden more desirable. Helping kids become skeptical of what they see and experience online, talking about the ambiguities and complexities of the real world, and facilitating face-to-face relationships and discussions will support boys’ growth and development into becoming productive, purposeful adults.

As they move from childhood into adolescence, both boys and girls need to know they matter, belong, and are loved.

I remember my two boys in high school being a thorn in the side of my wife and me, just as I was a pain to my parents when I was a teenager; yet no adult every gave up on my kids or me, even showing care and patience as we discovered who we were going to be as adults.

Caring and understanding teaching and parenting will always supersede social media.

Joe

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When you think about who teaches boys what it means to “be a man,” you probably picture parents, teachers, or maybe coaches.

But a new Common Sense Media report, Boys in the Digital Wild: Online Culture, Identity, and Well-Being, finds that for today’s kids, it’s more likely to be algorithms, influencers, and gaming culture.

The report shows how social media feeds, YouTube channels, and multiplayer games are quietly — yet powerfully — shaping how boys see themselves. The findings highlight the good, the bad, and the complicated realities of growing up male online.

According to the report, three-quarters of boys regularly encounter masculinity-related content online. Messages about “making money” (44 percent), “building muscle” (39 percent), and “fighting or weapons” (35 percent) show up repeatedly, especially for older teens.

Talk To Your Boys author Christopher Pepper says these findings echo what he’s seen in classrooms and in his work with young men’s groups.

“It was striking to see how much algorithms drive boys’ exposure to posts about masculinity. 68 percent of boys who see such material online say it started showing up in their feed without them searching for it,” Pepper. “Adults need to know that as soon as tween and teen boys go online, these algorithms recognize who they are and start promoting a whole set of content to them, and very little of it is designed to help them feel good about themselves or connect well with others.”  

Common Sense Media‘s past research found teens spent an average of 8.5 hours per day on screens (not counting schoolwork).

The report found that over two-thirds of boys (69 percent) regularly see content reinforcing outdated gender roles: that girls only want to date certain kinds of guys, that girls use their looks to get what they want, that boys are treated unfairly compared to girls.

Exposure to this content shifts how boys handle emotions. Those with high exposure are nearly four times more likely to believe sharing worries makes them look weak (40 percent vs. 11 percent of low-exposure boys). Half say they hide hurt feelings from friends.

26 percent say they feel lonely, and loneliness is significantly more common among those immersed in masculinity content online. Lonely boys hang out less often in person and are less likely to join activities that could help them feel connected.

“Right from the beginning, we kind of socialize boys away from connection and away from intimacy,” adds Ruth Whippman, author of Reimagining Boyhood in the Age of Impossible Masculinity. “Boys are every bit as emotionally complex as girls are, and we should engage with them in that way.”

To avoid teasing, nearly half of boys (46 percent) believe they must not cry, show sadness, or show fear to avoid being teased. More than a third believe they shouldn’t act “gay” or “feminine.” Online culture reinforces these rules, making it even harder for boys to express themselves authentically.

While most boys still say they’d turn to parents first in a tough time, the pull of influencers is undeniable: 60 percent say creators inspire them, and 56 percent say influencers give them practical help. Nearly half of boys most exposed to masculinity content credit an influencer with helping them through something difficult.

Pepper notes, “If you’re frustrated with how your son is using technology, or worried about who they are listening to online, rather than being loud and angry about it, try to use a strategic approach. Ask open-ended questions about what’s so compelling about the video game they love, or why it’s so hard to stop playing. This is a key time to emphasize connection — boys can look up to people they don’t know, but they still need close, caring adults in their lives. We shouldn’t let online voices control the whole conversation.”

Pepper emphasizes that connection is the cornerstone. “As this report details, a lot of day-to-day time in the lives of boys and young men involves technology — and it’s mostly on devices that they use on their own, with headphones. That means it can take real work to know what’s going on in your child’s life,” he says. “It’s so important for parents to make a concerted effort to stay connected and offer guidance. We see a lot of parents backing off from involved parenting when their boys get to middle school or high school, and that’s a real misstep. Instead, we need to tune in to our boys and young men, really looking for moments to connect.”

Other things parents can (and should) do:

• Talk about algorithms: Ask what videos pop up in their feeds, and explain how platforms push content they didn’t choose
• Normalize emotional expression: Let boys see adults — especially dads and male role models — express sadness, worry, or vulnerability
• Address body image directly: Discuss unrealistic expectations online, and remind them that appearance doesn’t equal worth
• Stay curious about influencers: Ask who they follow and why, and guide them toward positive voices
• Strengthen offline support: Prioritize real-world friendships, family time, and activities where boys feel accepted for who they are.

The big takeaway? Parents still matter enormously — but they have to speak up and stay connected, because digital culture is filling in the silence. The digital wild can be overwhelming, but with parents in the mix, boys don’t have to navigate it alone.

What's Going On with Boys?

This week's summary is What's Going On with Boys? It was written by an independent school teacher who’s a parent of a young girl and a younger boy.

The article provides an overview of the gradual decline over the past 15-20 years of boys’ academic performance in schools.

The prevailing culture of school today is often a mismatch for a lot of boys. 

First, boys’ brains mature later than girls, even in the preschool years. Girls on average have an easier time adjusting to the expectations of school, especially the emphasis on self-regulation, attention, and self-control.

Second, boys are generally more physical than girls, yet most school classrooms, particular in public schools, over the past 20 years have become more sedentary environments with little movement or recess time.

Third, with the ubiquity of technology, boys out of school spend a lot of time playing video games and are susceptible to social influencers who may espouse anti-social, misogynistic, hyper-masculine beliefs. Hence, boys can fall victim to dangerously poor role models.

Fourth, boys’ lack of readiness (both academically and social-emotionally) results in them lagging behind girls from early on in school. The current college graduation rate of female (60%) versus male (40%) is sobering evidence.

While there are no simple solutions for this, a very important need to help boys in school is the development and constant presence of strong relationships with their teachers. And the author reminds us that ultimately it’s up to us adults to develop these relationships. Some ways to do this are for teachers to show an interest in what boys do outside of school, to provide scaffolding to support boys’ emotional development, to allow some latitude for boys’ (mis)behavior, and to make all students a partner in expected classroom behavior.

At Trinity, we are clearly at an advantage in that many of the above recommendations are already utilized by our teachers.

Still, all of us need to be more mindful of the difference between boys and girls and avoid the negative bias about boys.

Joe

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When my daughter started kindergarten in 2021, she came home with stories about her new and wonderful experiences: what she was learning, who her teachers were, what the other kids were like. Almost within days, she began telling me another part of the story. 

“The boys are always in trouble,” she’d say.

“The boys are always at the teacher’s desk.” 

“The boys are so loud and distracting, I can’t concentrate sometimes.”

I began to worry about my then 3-year-old son. What was in store for him in two years’ time?

As both a parent and an educator, I felt compelled to answer this question: What’s going on with boys in school?” And as I researched and learned, the answer became clear: Boys are not doing as well in school as girls. 

In Of Boys and Men, Richard Reeves provides evidence to back up this claim. Boys are twice as likely as girls to say that school is a waste of time, three times more likely to be expelled, and two times more likely to be suspended. In reading, girls are ahead by about one grade level, and reading and verbal skills are a strong predictor of college matriculation. So it should come as no surprise that young men attend and graduate from college much less often than young women. In 1972, 57% of college graduates were men; by 2022, only 42% of college graduates were men.

As I learned more and more about these alarming trends, I reflected on how rarely schools have explored issues that affect boys. By understanding what’s going on with boys—how their brains develop and what they are experiencing in today’s world—we can meet the moment to provide effective support for boys’ success inside and outside the classroom. 

One clue to help us understand what’s going on with boys in school lies in the significant differences in the timing of brain development of boys and girls. The first major gap in brain development occurs around kindergarten. One study shows that by age 5, girls are 14% more likely to be school-ready than boys. In Raising Cain, Dan Kindlon and Michael Thompson describe typical young boys as having “high activity, impulsivity, and physicality.” This behavior is “often seen by teachers as something that must be overcome for a boy to succeed in school.” 

So from their very first school days, many boys are starting off on the wrong foot. This is exacerbated by female teachers being more likely than male teachers to view boys in their class as disruptive, while male teachers tend to have a more positive view of boys and their capabilities.

The gap between girls’ and boys’ brain development widens drastically during puberty. A typical girl’s prefrontal cortex matures about two years before a typical boy’s. The prefrontal cortex plays a role in planning, strategy, and executive decisions, inhibiting primal survival responses, and regulating emotional states. This offset in brain development and executive function has a direct impact on boys’ educational outcomes. Study after study suggests that the best-performing students are ‘good’ students … who have high levels of self-regulation, which is exactly the area where boys display, on average, a deficit compared to girls during adolescence. 

In The Anxious Generation, Jonathan Haidt, identifies two other sources of boys’ recent struggles in school: diminishing independence and free play; and massive amounts of time online, playing video games, using social media, and learning about masculinity from what is called “the manosphere”—a miasma of bloggers and influencers often hostile to women and feminism. Manosphere influencers have large followings including teen boys. They advocate a limited vision of what it means to be a man. According to a recent report “the more a man subscribes to cultural norms about manhood that support emotional repression, self-reliance, dominance, and control, the less mentally strong and adaptable he is.” The more likely he is to have higher rates of depression, anxiety, and bullying and sexual harassment of women.

In the face of these challenges, what can schools do? A study concluded that teachers need to cultivate a positive relationship with their boys. Even when boys make this challenging, it is crucial that educators overcome their own frustration and remind themselves that the relationship is their responsibility, not the boys’. 

The study painted a picture of a successful independent school teacher of boys, one who: employs transitive teaching (“the capacity of some element in the lesson … to hold student attention in a way that leads to understanding and mastery;” builds a strong relationship; shares a common interest; accommodates a measure of opposition; is willing to reveal vulnerability; and holds students to high standards.

Alongside the academic program, schools must also reconsider advisory, counseling, and co-curricular programs with boys in mind. Schools must provide the space, instruction, and practice so that boys can develop a wide-ranging emotional vocabulary to both understand themselves better and communicate their feelings more effectively. For boys of all ages, we should constructively channel their high activity level and give them positive ways to express it. 

These are the first steps in a journey to help boys identify and create what Reeves calls “a prosocial masculinity.” Kindlon and Thompson suggest several concrete strategies for formulating this identity: Talk to boys in ways that honor their pride; be direct with them; cast them as partners in problem-solving; teach them emotional courage; use discipline to build character, not to alienate or humiliate; model and practice emotional attachment; and teach boys that there are many ways to be a man. 

My journey into understanding the struggles boys are facing in schools today started from a personal place of concern for my son, but we should all be concerned for all our boys. Equipped with knowledge of the current state of boys and some strategies to point the way forward, I am confident that independent school educators can work together to change the story. As my children make their way through school, I hope they will tell me more stories about energetic, engaged, emotional, courageous, and awesome boys. 

Is Self-Discovery Effective Pedagogy

This week's article summary is The Seductive Appeal of Discovery Learning, and it provides an overview of the roots of progressive education. 

In a nutshell, progressive education trusts children’s innate curiosity as the catalyst of their learning. Contrast this belief with traditional education that emphasizes the importance of direct, explicit instruction from teachers.

Which is the better pedagogy, progressive or traditional?

We’re fortunate at Trinity in that we have always embraced the best of both progressive, child-centered teaching and traditional, teacher-directed learning.

From the progressive side, we recognize that student engagement is critical to their motivation for learning. We give our students time to explore and discover – sometimes directed by the teacher but other times trusting the child’s innate curiosity. From our experience, awe in the classroom, a subject of an earlier summary, can occur internally and externally.

From the traditional side, we recognize that children need to be directly taught certain concepts, skills, and procedures. Also, it’s the teacher’s responsibility to provide reinforcement opportunities to ensure new learning is firmly stored in students’ long-term memory.

I worked in a school that proudly defined itself as providing a rigorous, traditional education: the predominant pedagogy was teacher lecture, student note-taking, and written quizzes and exams to assess student learning.

I also worked in another school that proudly defined itself as providing a child-centered, progressive education: the common pedagogy was student exploration, problem-based learning, and focus on process over product.

I enjoyed teaching at both schools, but I always had the feeling that each one too rigidly adhered to a particular pedagogy: kids need variety.

So, as we are now settled into the school year, check yourself to see if you’re utilizing multiple pedagogical options to support your students being engaged and learning deeply!

Joe

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The historical roots of discovery learning are as follows:

The Romantic Ideal of Learning: Jean-Jacques Rousseau argued that children learn best when they interact with nature and engage in real-world experiences, exploration, and discovery. Educators and parents in this tradition believe children are naturally curious and are capable, in the right conditions, of constructing knowledge independently. This romanticized idea is deeply ingrained in educational thought and resists empirical challenges.

The Progressive Movement: John Dewey and others inspired a movement holding that learning should be student-centered and driven by children’s natural curiosity and democratic values – and critical of rote memorization and instruction in which students were seen as passive sponges. These ideas became deeply embedded in teacher education. Terms like ‘guide on the side’ vs. ‘sage on the stage’ were popularized, reinforcing the idea that teachers should step back. 

Anti-Authority Sentiment: Discovery learning is allied to cultural and philosophical mistrust of hierarchical control, centralized expertise, and imposed knowledge. Thought leaders like Paulo Freire and Ivan Illich portrayed traditional education as a means of social control, viewing teachers with suspicion and mistrust. From this perspective, explicit instruction became equated with indoctrination, while discovery learning was seen as a path to emancipation. In this cultural context, discovery learning isn’t just a teaching method. It becomes a symbol of freedom, self-determination, and resistance to authority. 

Cultural and Political Appeal: Self-directed learning resonates with the values of independence, creativity, innovation, personal growth, self-reliance, and breaking free of outdated traditions – values that are prized in western societies. This points to repositioning the teacher from authority figure to facilitator, with children constructing their own understanding rather than being told how the world works. 

All this explains the continuing appeal of discovery learning, yet this teaching method has not stood up well to educational research. Strong empirical evidence shows that explicit, teacher-guided instruction is better than discovery learning in three ways:

• It’s more effective – students learn more
• It’s more efficient – it takes less time and mental effort
• It’s more fulfilling – students feel successful and are motivated to learn more 

Given the research track record, why does discovery learning continue to have so much support? 

Overgeneralizing Success Stories: It’s true that some students thrive in a discovery-based learning environment, especially those who are already highly motivated and have a strong foundation of prior knowledge. But these students are not representative of the general student population, including many in under-resourced communities. 

Confirmation Bias: People tend to favor information that confirms their existing beliefs, expectations, and assumptions, while ignoring or downplaying evidence that contradicts them. This can happen when educators see some success with discovery-based approaches, selectively remembering those successes and overlooking things that didn’t work out as well. 

The Illusion of Understanding: While students are engaged and working hard with discovery learning, it can feel like they’re learning deeply, but they may be reaching incorrect solutions and buying into misconceptions. Students may feel like they get it because of the effort they’ve put in, and may be resistant to correction, even if they get timely feedback. 

The Constructivist Teaching Fallacy: It’s true that people learn best by integrating new information into their existing knowledge structures. But when teachers provide only minimal guidance, students may not have enough information to construct coherent knowledge.

The Appeal of Active Learning: Research shows that active learning enhances retention, but if students use trial and error to solve a problem, they may have no idea how they got there. Well-guided discovery and explicit instruction can still be highly interactive and engaging.

 Treating Students as Experts: The idea behind discovery learning is that since scientists and other experts work through discovery, students can learn that way too. But experts see the world differently than novices, bringing to bear extensive background knowledge and mental models that guide them as they wrestle with problems. Scientists do science and students learn science. 

Studies in cognitive science consistently demonstrate that students learn best when they’re first explicitly taught foundational concepts before engaging in problem-solving or exploration. Scaffolding and well-designed instructional sequences allow students to explore and apply knowledge meaningfully after they have been given the necessary tools. This doesn’t mean that learning should be passive. Well-designed instruction incorporates active engagement, inquiry, and critical thinking, but within a framework that provides necessary support. 

Developing Student Independence

This week's article summary is Are Today's Students Really Less Independent Than Previous Generations.

My wife and I had very different high school experiences, even though our schools were only two miles from each other.

My wife attended a very large public school (600 students in her graduation class) while I attended a much smaller private school (85 kids in my graduation class).

She was a straight A student; I got mostly Bs.

But when we went to college, she struggled mightily and I blossomed.

We’re about the same in terms of IQ and ambition. 

So, why was it easy for me to transition to college and such a shock to my wife?

I think the key differentiator for me was my high school placed the responsibility for my learning directly on me. Over my four years in high school I learned how to study (although through fits and starts), how to synthesize material, how to ask for help, and how to organize myself and my time. High school for me an apprenticeship. By the time I got to college, I had pretty much figured out how to be an independent student.

My wife conversely in high school was asked to follow along in class, fill our worksheets, and take fairly low-level assessments, e.g., fill-in-the-blank questions. She generated an impressive GPA but didn’t learn how to study or how to think. Her undergraduate college years were where she learned how to be a student. It wasn’t until graduate school that her performance and grades caught up to her ability.

We at Trinity are committed in helping our students develop not only a strong moral, ethical character, but also organizational and executive function skills and habits needed for success in middle school and beyond. As nearly all our graduates matriculate to private schools like the one I attended, they need these study skills and habits to thrive.

As our kids move through the grades at Trinity they first learn how to self-regulate, then learn to be attentive in class, and finally by fifth and sixth grade they become more responsible for their time management. In age-appropriate ways, they learn to be persistent, resilient, and independent.

As you’ll see in the article below, there is concern that high school students today lack self-confidence and agency. 

Yet I feel proud that what we stress for our students is what they need to be not only successful students but high-functioning adults in the workplace!

Joe

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Are adolescents less independent thinkers and decisionmakers now than they were a decade ago?

A good number of teachers in middle and high school report that their students are struggling to direct their own learning, advocate for themselves, and take responsibility for their education.

There can be big repercussions for students who struggle to self-govern, especially high schoolers who are preparing to launch into the real world where the ability to work and learn independently is a prerequisite for success in college and the workforce.

However, with a lack of research on whether adolescents are less independent than they were 10 years ago, that leaves anecdotes and media coverage to color people’s perceptions of adolescents’ independence or lack thereof.

Whether the problem is exaggerated by some doesn’t change the fact that middle and high school students need to learn how to be independent. Goal-setting, delayed gratification, self-management of emotions—these are all social-emotional skills that lead to greater independence. It’s the teaching of nonacademic skills that are essential to success in school and life. 

Although it may seem counterintuitive for adolescents, a major part of being independent is knowing how to communicate their needs and ask for help. Teaching students how to manage their emotions so they persist when tasks get challenging is also key.

SEL experts say there’s long been a perception among educators that SEL is a “little kids thing,” discounting its importance for older students. Most SEL curricula and programs are directed toward younger students, and they fall flat when grafted onto a secondary school program. Incorporating SEL into middle and high school can also be challenging simply from a scheduling perspective. As students move from class to class, there is no single teacher who “owns” SEL. Plus, with a heavy focus on coursework in the upper grades, teachers may feel they don’t have the bandwidth to incorporate SEL into their daily lessons.

Middle and high school students need SEL programming that is designed for their developmental needs. Chief among those needs is learning how to become independent from adults. Giving middle and high school students more responsibility and control in how their classes and schools are run—"choice and voice” in SEL parlance—is a powerful way to help students build these skills .

Being an independent thinker and decision maker has always been an important trait for success in college and the workforce. The notion of self-directed learning, and upskilling and reskilling as the economy shifts is going to separate people who are going to be successful from those who are going to struggle in a knowledge-based economy.

Building Agency in Students

 This week's summary is Giving Kids Some Autonomy Has Surprising Results, and it carries on the theme of developing student independence and autonomy in last week’s summary 

One of our goals as a school is to support the development of agency in our students. 

The formal definition of agency is as follows: The sense of control you feel in your life, your capacity to influence your own thoughts and behavior, and belief in your ability to handle a wide range of tasks and situations -- agency helps you be psychologically stable yet flexible in the face of conflict or change.

It’s an apt description of a well-functioning and regulated adult, which is what we hope our students become.

At admissions events, I express a simpler definition of for prospective parents: we develop in our students a strong, confident sense of self.

The article below reminds us through examples that agency in our students needs to be cultivate and developed with scaffolding, direction, and intentionality.

The last paragraph of the article was particularly impactful for me: Let kids do for themselves what they can already do, guide and encourage them to do things they can almost do, and teach and model for them the things they can’t do yet.

 Joe

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Many young adults feel woefully unprepared for life in the work force.

Employers agree, saying that new hires from GenZ lack initiative, communication skills, problem-solving abilities, and resilience. 

The reason? It’s not just social media and the pandemic. It’s also because parents and schools aren’t building enough agency into childrearing and schooling. 

Giving kids agency doesn’t mean letting them do whatever they want. It doesn’t mean lowering expectations, turning education into entertainment, or allowing children to choose their own adventure. It involves orchestrating the development of three important life skills:

• Identifying and pursuing goals that are meaningful to young people
• Building strategies and skills to reach those goals
• Assessing progress and making course corrections

The problem is that very few students have these experiences, which may be why the percent of kids who say they love school goes from 74 percent in third grade to only 26 percent in tenth grade. 

Studies around the world show that building in goal-setting, strategy development, and self-monitoring has a significant positive impact on classroom engagement, grades, peer-to-peer comity, and happiness .

Some specific examples:

At the start of a lesson on the solar system, instead of giving a step-by-step outline, the teacher asks students what they’re curious about, what they’re interested in and care about, and what they want to know.

Instead of using controlling language – You need to read this article by Friday – taking a reasoning approach – I’m assigning this article because I want you to understand how photosynthesis can be useful in trying to invent new climate change technology. Reasoning language lowers the shield and kids open up. 

Instead of saying, Here is an example of a good essay. Please go write one, a teacher says, Here is an example of a good essay. What is your goal for your first draft? and then monitors and coaches as students write.

A Dallas, Texas elementary teacher has her students set learning goals in every class and reports that students chase her down in the hallway to report on their progress, proud of what they’ve accomplished. 

Rather than ordering a resistant child to do homework, a parent says, I know you hate doing homework. I felt that way too when I was a kid. But homework can make a big difference in helping you master a new skill. We could work for 15 minutes and then take a break, or would you rather take a break now and start in an hour?

In the words of psychologist Aliza Pressman: “Let kids do for themselves what they can already do, guide them and encourage them to do things they can almost do, and then teach and model for them the things that they can’t do.” 

Building Resilience in Children

This week's article summary is How to Raise Kids That Can Handle Any Challenge.

While the article’s intended audience is parents, teachers can glean much from the article as well.

Our goal as parents/teachers is for our children/students to develop into independent, fulfilled, compassionate, and resilient adults.

But sometimes in care for our children, we neglect to give them enough freedom and latitude to make decisions (good and bad) and to experience the inevitable highs and lows of life. Part of growing up is learning from mistakes and coping with failure and disappointment.

Yet it seems to be in our nature as adults to rush to provide help and assistance to children, hence not giving them the opportunity to figure things out for themselves. 

Similarly, children are quick to fall into the habit of too quickly asking for help. 

As parents and teachers, we need to learn to trust our children/students more and embrace the journey not only the outcome of learning (and life). 

I appreciated the five recommendations from the article on how to support children: prepare rather than protect them, listen more than lecture, comfort more than chide,  collaborate more than control, and celebrate imperfection rather than expect perfection.

Joe

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The parenting trends of today are not setting up our kids for success. Overprotection, control, and perfectionism are causing more problems than they are worth. Research suggests better ways to connect with and guide your children—ways that serve their futures, and the future of society.

Below are five insights from the book Hello, Cruel World: Science-Based Strategies for Raising terrific Kids in Terrifying Times.

Preparing is better than protecting:

When we ask ourselves what our number one job is as parents, we would all most likely agree that we want to help our kids become independent and well-adjusted adults. We want them to grow into human beings who can take care of themselves, as well as others, and who can manage all kinds of situations, including ones they’ve never come across before. Ironically, many common parenting trends and instincts work against this goal.

First, we often think we should protect our kids from hard experiences and curate their environment so they are always comfortable. These approaches make kids less able to tolerate and work through challenges and discomfort. Getting better at hard things takes practice. We need to give our kids opportunities to practice dealing with frustration and disappointment.

We also sometimes fear for our kids’ physical safety when we shouldn’t. We don’t let them walk to school or play outside with friends because we have been fed misleading statistics about stranger danger. By constantly hovering, intervening, and protecting, we rob our kids of opportunities to build social and problem-solving skills.

We often step in and do things for our kids to ensure that they don’t fail, too. We take over their science projects, pay them for good grades, hire private baseball coaches, and put them in intensive acting classes. We do it because we worry about their futures, but this kind of overprotection and pressure can backfire, putting kids’ futures at risk. The pressure parents put on kids to excel increases the chance that kids will develop low self-esteem, use substances, and suffer from mental health problems. When we emphasize that success is the only acceptable outcome, we make kids less willing to try hard things. We make them less resilient.

 Listening is better than lecturing:

Ask kids questions. It’s simple, takes the pressure off, and is a great way to start a conversation. Asking kids questions gives you a moment to breathe, gives them the chance to share their perspective before you jump in, and can help clarify the aspects of the topic you may want to zero in on next. 

Asking questions also models a curious mindset, which is important for kids to see in us. We want kids to learn that life isn’t about always having the answers, that everyone is a lifelong learner, and that it is okay to make mistakes. Asking questions tells kids that we, as adults, are still curious and willing to learn—and that as they grow up, they should be, too.

Listening to kids—really, truly listening—is crucial. When kids feel heard and understood, they feel valued and loved, as well as calmer and safer. They become more connected to us and more willing to listen to our perspective. They feel less aggrieved. They learn through our modeling to listen to their friends and other loved ones, which helps them build stronger relationships over the course of their lives.

Listening to kids benefits humanity more broadly, too. From the research, we know that when people feel heard, they become more self-reflective, humble, and less extreme in their beliefs. When we deeply listen to our kids, we are helping build a less polarized, more open-minded, and more respectful society.

Comforting is better than chiding:

Kids have big feelings. Emotions are part of the human condition, although some of us are more attuned to them than others. Feelings provide essential information about our wants and needs.

For a long time, parents were encouraged to ignore, diminish, or chide their kids for their emotions. The problem is that when we communicate to kids that their feelings aren’t welcome, several unfortunate things can happen. First, when kids perceive that we are uncomfortable around feelings, they may stop coming to us when they are upset or in need of help, because they assume we’d rather not know. This can close crucial opportunities for connection and understanding.

When we chide kids for their big feelings, they may also learn to suppress or repress feelings instead of expressing them, which then makes it harder for them to listen to and interpret the useful information their feelings offer. When feelings are suppressed, kids are also not given the opportunity to practice different coping skills for learning how to emotionally regulate.

We also know from research that when parents comfort their children and regularly discuss feelings, children become more compassionate. If a child wants to do something nice for a friend, she has to be able to perceive her friend’s feelings and needs. She has to be able to read her friend’s face and body language and translate that into an understanding of what her friend is going through and what she might need, without letting her own feelings and desires get in the way. Studies have shown that the more parents talk about feelings, the more helpful and generous kids (even toddlers) tend to be.

Negotiating is better than controlling:

Parents often feel the need to assert themselves and take control. If we don’t, our kids will take advantage of us, right? But this is not what the research shows. When parents are overly controlling, kids tend to act out more and are more likely to develop mental health problems and substance abuse issues. Yes, we should be in charge, but we will be much more successful if we do it in a way that is respectful and allows for our children’s autonomy.

This notion is especially important when managing kids’ screen time and social media use. Rules and limits can be helpful, especially with younger kids. But with tweens and teens, research suggests that what works best is when parents set limits while also considering their child’s perspective and involving them in the decision. Instead of saying, “You can’t have TikTok, end of story,” we will be much more successful if we ask our kids what they find compelling about it, research the app along with them, discuss its benefits and drawbacks, and help our kids understand our concerns. When we restrict or assert without open communication, our kids may not understand the rationale behind our decision and may be less likely to respect it.

Blundering is better than mastering:

One reason parenting seems so hard is that it feels like the stakes are so high. We are expected to always know what we’re doing, always know what to say, and how to react. We are expected to be perfect.

But the research suggests that when it comes to parenting, imperfection is preferable to perfection. When we make mistakes, we illustrate to our kids that nobody’s perfect, so it’s okay that they aren’t, too. When we accidentally yell at our kids, we are then given the opportunity to model for them how to take responsibility for their actions and how to apologize. When we fight in front of our kids, we are giving them the opportunity to learn how to engage in healthy conflict. When we don’t have the answers to their questions, we can model curiosity and information literacy by inviting our kids to research the topic with us. We can show them how to use Google and how to identify trustworthy sources. When we tell our kids something and later realize it wasn’t accurate, we can be honest with them about it, illustrating to them the value of acknowledging our blunders and keeping an open mind.

Parenting is a form of activism. Through the ways we engage with our kids and the conversations we have, we can help our children learn key life skills—healthy coping, resilience, empathy, financial literacy, humility, open-mindedness, and media literacy, among others. We, as parents, can build a stronger, more humane world based on how we raise our kids.

 

Wonder in the Classroom

 This week's article summary is How Experiencing Wonder Helps Kids Learn. Its focus is how critical a sense of awe is in learning.

Our students are at the onset of a new grade: through this newness they will experience awe as they’re exposed to new knowledge, content, and classroom expectations. 

These elementary years are so enjoyable because student learning and growth is so dramatic and visible.

While we may think awe in humans is primarily an emotional experience, it also occurs in the cognitive realm. I still remember an a-ha moment as a sixth grader when I finally understood how to add and subtract negative numbers; I had struggled for days with this concept and then in an instant a light switch went on in my brain. I experienced both awe and relief (as I was the last kid in class to understand this concept).

Our students are innately curious, yet a sense of excitement and wonder help them maintain interest and motivation to learn new things.

As many of us know, for new information to be retained in long-term memory, it requires frequent reinforcement. Hearing or seeing something new one time rarely results in the information being remembered. Awe helps us find new ideas intriguing, but then it’s up to practice, including retrieval, to store it permanently.

Awe is the impetus, or, as the article states, “awe motivates people to explore things that stretch their understanding of the world.”

Our young learners are eager and excited to learn. Our responsibility is to offer them experiences and ideas that stimulate their awe.

Thank you for a great start to the school year!

Joe

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Awe is perhaps our most overlooked and undervalued emotion. It is what we feel when we encounter something vast, wondrous, or beyond our ordinary frame of reference. It is the feeling that washes over us when we hear a beautiful song, watch a flock of geese fly south, or see images from the new NASA telescope.

Dacher Keltner, a psychology professor at UC Berkeley who has spent two decades studying this emotion, describes three ways you might know you are experiencing awe: tears, chills, and “whoa.”  For example:

• Think of a moment when you watched your child do something beautiful, and your eyes got misty (tears).
• Think of a time you heard a song or a story on the radio, or read a passage of text, that gave you goosebumps (chills).
• Think of a time when you saw a stunning sunset or vista that prompted you to utter, “Wow!” (whoa).

For kids, especially, I would add this: wide eyes. I love seeing a young child’s eyes pop with amazement when they encounter something brand new—like a chicken hatching out of an egg, an ocean wave, a parade, a street performer, or a baking-soda-and-vinegar volcano. 

We can all find the extraordinary in the ordinary  -- the wonders of life are so often nearby.

Awe is more than an emotion of the heart. It also improves our thinking. That’s because cognitive accommodation is a feature of awe. Put simply, when we learn something new, we alter or expand our existing mental schemas to make room for it.

Cognitive accommodation is at the heart of good education: It is what allows students to build on prior knowledge to revise, expand, and deepen their understanding of a concept. 

Awe is sometimes described as a “knowledge emotion.” Paul Silvia, a psychology professor at the University of North Carolina describes knowledge emotions as “a family of emotional states that foster learning, exploring, and reflecting.” These emotions include surprise, interest, confusion, and awe and stem from experiences that are “unexpected, complicated, and mentally challenging, and they motivate learning in its broadest sense.” According to Silvia, awe is a powerful educational tool because it motivates people to explore things that stretch their understanding of the world. 

According to researchers, curiosity has a “fundamental impact on learning and memory.” When kids are curious, they are more motivated to learn and more adept at retaining information.

This is news teachers and parents can use. Engaging with kids’ big questions and helping them discover what sparks their curiosity is a concrete way to support their learning in general. The challenge is not to make them fall in love with all subjects. But what if we nurtured their curiosity with one or two? What if we paid close attention to what sparked their interest, what inspired their awe, and nudged it along?