Interdependence

This week's article summary is Forget Independence. Teach your Child This Instead.

The value/habit/virtue the author wants us to teach, model, and practice with our children is interdependence. 

American society stresses the importance of being independent. We want our kids to grow up self-reliant and confident in their uniqueness and individuality. At Trinity, we proudly say we develop in our students a strong sense of self. 

Yet, as we discussed over preplanning meetings, to truly thrive and be happy, humans need strong, trusting relationships.

Hence, while independence is certainly a part of who we are, it’s interdependence with others that makes us feel valued and fulfilled—the need to belong and the conscious effort to accept others (again what I talked about during preplanning).

At Trinity, we balance the development of sense of self with care and concern for others, yet I usually lead with self. Lately, I’ve wondered if I should switch the order and lead with care, kindness, and compassion for others, so it doesn’t seem I think development of self is more important than caring for and workong with others.

Rather than view independence and interdependence as two separate needs, the article interlocks them: we find fulfillment ‘from knowing one’s place in a community…that others value you and that you add value to others.’ I like how a fellow SAIS school, Duke School, finds the connection: ‘our children learn about self within the context of others.’

I know I’ve been redundant in these opening summaries by emphasizing relationships, togetherness, and community. Yet it’s these opening weeks that set the tone for the school and classroom climates we need and expect for a truly great school year!

Joe

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Early in the semester, Mike McLaughlin, a teacher in Cleveland, conducts a simple exercise with his sophomores. Take out a piece of paper, he’ll say, and make two lists: one with everything they’ve done over the past 24 hours that has contributed to their well-being and the other with everything others have done for them.

At first, most lists show a 50-50 split: They’ve studied hard, but their parents have fed and clothed them. Then McLaughlin presses them. Who teaches and coaches you? Who encourages you through setbacks? The students gradually revise their lists. By the end of the exercise, they realize that only about 5 percent of their well-being is because of their actions and 95 percent is because of the actions of others.

“The point is to plant this idea that they need people,” McLaughlin said, “and that there are people in this world who are going to need them, too.”

Many parents tend to focus on what we’re told is the ultimate goal of parenting: to raise independent, self-reliant adults. Independence is undoubtedly valuable. It helps our children think for themselves, develop and pursue their passions, and become self-sufficient and capable. 

But a growing group of parents are starting to realize that for our children to be healthy, happy and successful, we need to teach them a more profound lesson: interdependence,  that is, how to rely on others and how to be a person whom others can rely on, too.

What McLaughlin knows and what research suggests is that lasting self-worth cannot come from approval based solely on external rewards, such as trophies, college acceptance letters,  and fancy job offers. Rather, an understanding of one’s inherent value comes from knowing one’s place in a community — from the sense that others value you and that you add value to others. Researchers call this feeling “mattering”: Only by building interdependence can kids gain social proof that they do indeed matter.

Too often, in competitive environments, students believe that admitting they need support means they’re inadequate. It’s why so many adolescents suffer in silence until they implode. One student described the stress as feeling as though you’re “stranded on an island” — and yet, regardless of how high the water rose, she would “rather drown than ask for help.”

By contrast, I have found in my research that children trained in the skills of interdependence better handle setbacks or the uncertainties of the future because they are grounded in their communities.

The parents of these healthy achievers openly acknowledged the courage it takes to ask for and accept support. They taught their kids to “never to worry alone”, as psychiatrist Edward Hallowell has put it.

Parents of healthy achievers also taught their children the importance of offering help. They insisted on chores--not so much for the work ethic but because chores helped their children see that their contributions were needed within their household. These parents prized volunteer opportunities over good grades because helping others showed their kids how to bring themselves to the world.

But perhaps the most important thing parents can do to instill the mindset of interdependence is to model it themselves:

Show your children the nitty-gritty of times you’ve leaned on others. For instance, when my daughter struggled with a paper, I showed her the first edit of an article I’d written for this very newspaper’s science section: red marks everywhere. Initially, I felt embarrassed to need so much help. But quickly, I told her, I came to see it another way. I realized that my seasoned editor was investing in me, helping me become a better writer. I felt grateful for this show of support.

Name what often gets in the way of building interdependent relationships: envy and the shame it elicits when we think we don’t measure up. Social comparison is a natural part of being human, but, left unchecked, it can leave us deeply lonely. Instead, parents can normalize this universal feeling by admitting they feel envy from time to time, too, such as when they log on to social media and see an acquaintance’s fabulous vacation or when a colleague gets the promotion they were hoping for.

Talk through how you manage those uncomfortable feelings in healthy ways. We don’t have to judge ourselves for having these feelings, I’ve explained to my own kids, but we do have to hold ourselves accountable for how we act on them. Without awareness, our envy can drive us to gossip about or undermine the target of our envy, so that we look better by comparison. Envy poisons connection.

To model healthy competition, celebrate out loud the strengths you see in your children’s friends. What do their classmates or competitors do well, and what can your child learn from them? Highlight their shared goals — whether it’s becoming a better tennis player or navigating the same fraught college admissions process. Competition can be mutually beneficial when we encourage children to appreciate and learn from others.

As for the adults? When we’re tempted to go at life alone — to be the parent who does it all, to resist burdening others with our needs, to outcompete the Joneses — we can remind ourselves that independence isn’t the secret to success for us any more than it is for our kids.

We should teach interdependence because it helps our children thrive. But we should also practice interdependence because it helps us thrive, too.

Classroom Management

This week's article summary is What No One Told Me About Classroom Management as a New Teacher. It’s written by Carol Ann Tomlinson, the guru of differentiation in the classroom, about her first-year experiences teaching high school history.

As you’ll see, even a legendary educator like Tomlinson started her teaching career as a blank slate and learned over time from her classroom experience what students of all ages need.

The secret is identical to last week’s summary: we all need positive relationships and a sense of belonging to maximize our potential.

I really like how Tomlinson bases her teaching on displaying care for her students by ‘seeing, hearing, accepting, and valuing’ them as unique individuals. The old teaching adage of ‘your students don’t care about how much you know until they know how much you care’ is true. Their trust in you comes from the care you show them.

Particularly in these first days of school, we are establishing a classroom culture of learning and mutual, interdependent respect. Getting kids to see that they help others learn is vital.

Ultimately, a successful school year comes from all of us enjoying one another’s company and committing to supporting and helping one another.

Joe

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In my first year of teaching, I had virtually no useful content knowledge, no pedagogical knowledge, and no rules for classroom management. 

But I did have some worthy, if wholly undeveloped, instincts. Those instincts saved me from my worst fears and bought me some time to begin understanding what passable teaching looks like—and, over the years, what aspirational teaching looks like.

As each week passed, my vision and sense of what it means to be a teacher began to develop. Although I rarely understood cause and effect in the moment, the next six months in the company of those high school sophomores and juniors helped me lay a foundation for what we often call classroom management. 

Here are the lessons I learned.

See, Hear, Value, and Accept Each Student as an Individual: Effective "classroom management" and effective teaching begin with a teacher who is, to a significant degree, smitten with the students as individual human beings and relishes the opportunity to make a difference in their lives. Young people need to feel seen, heard, accepted, and valued. They experience learning in a far more motivating context when they see that their teacher wants to teach them important things than when they conclude that the teacher is largely about teaching content and that their presence in the classroom is secondary. This caring is the foundation of trust between students and teachers and thus the foundation of effective classroom management and effective teaching.

Structure the Class in Service of Learning: Learning requires structure and order, but the structure and order should be in service of learning—not for the sake of demonstrating who’s in charge. If the first day of school is about going over classroom procedures and listening to the consequences of violating them, students will find it difficult to feel that the environment is safe and welcoming or that the teacher finds them trustworthy. Young people, like all of us, need structure in their lives but how and why teachers go about establishing that order makes a great difference. 

Effective Teaching Naturally Leads to Effective Classroom Management: Effective classroom management is not a separate entity from effective teaching. If “what” we teach and “how” we teach are lively, varied, sometimes surprising, often joyful and meaningful, both teachers and learners are largely relieved from the burdens implicit in teacher-student power struggles. 

Plan Proactively for When Lessons Go South: When we plan proactively for predictable classroom malfunctions, both we and our students are likely to be able to respond in ways that prevent derailments or at least maintain the dignity of those involved. We eliminate many, if not most, of the reasons students act out when we have a plan for when a lesson goes awry, when students get restless, whether to address (or ignore) minor or more significant behavioral issues, when lessons are just a bit briefer than the general attention span in a class, or when the work we ask students to do is neither consistently too difficult nor consistently too simple for their various points of entry into the work. 

Humanizing the Classroom: I still dream about having a chance to reteach that year. There are so many things I would change. And yet, I never again saw the unruly, trash-talking, defiant teens with whom I spent the last day in my adult life when I was not technically a teacher. Perhaps the most important lesson they taught me was that effective "classroom management"—and, in fact, the better part of effective teaching—pivots on humanizing the classroom.

The Secret to a Happy Life

This week's article summary is 9 Simple Habits for a Happy Life, and it’s about The Harvard Happiness Study I referenced a number of times during preplanning.

For almost all of us the key to finding happiness is the quality and frequency of our relationships.

As we begin new school year, remember to keep relationships—those with your students, with your colleagues, with your students’ parents—at the forefront.

As you’ll see in the habits below, developing strong relationships takes active intentionality. To further strengthen our relationships,  we need to cultivate them.

A new school year is a great time to set goals. Let’s strive every school day to further strengthen our existing relationships and to reach out to someone to start a new one!

Thank you for such a positive start to the school year! The positive, collegial energy we created during preplanning has palpably extended into the first days of school. Enjoy the weekend!

Joe

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This is a story about simple habits to improve your happiness and fulfillment in life. It's inspired by the key findings of a huge Harvard University study of happiness that's gone on for more than 80 years. It's the Harvard Study of Adult Development, which has followed more than 700 people from the late 1930s until today. The study's current leaders have a new book out: The Good Life: Lessons from the World's Longest Scientific Study of Happiness.

Here’s the bottom line: Good relationships keep us healthier and happier. 

Here are some simple habits that can help you improve the quality of your relationships, based on the Harvard Study, other research, and additional sources.

Take stock of your relationships: We can't improve things if we don't measure them. So, as unromantic as it might seem, it makes sense to assess which relationships are important to you, which ones have proven less so, and which ones you wish were better.

Nurture casual relationships: We'll get into some of the things that you can do to improve the truly high-impact, nurturing relationships in you life. But, our lives are largely made up of very casual bonds. Think of all the simple relationships you have with people -- maybe even people whose names you don't know. For example, the crossing guard I say hello to while taking my daughter to school. Sometimes these relationships evolve. Other times they remain constant. But, in both cases, they're important.

Make time for conversations: This is a fantastic habit, and as it happens we have brand new academic support for it. A study out of the University of Kansas suggests that the simple act of reaching out to a friend for conversation -- at least once a day I you can manage it -- increases people's happiness and lowers their stress. “The more that you listened to your friends, the more that you showed care, the more that you took time to value others' opinions, the better you felt at the end of the day.”

Cultivate kindness: Researchers at Michigan State University combed through data on 2,500 long-term married couples (20 or more years) to determine their aptitude in five dimensions: extraversion, agreeableness, conscientiousness, emotional stability, and openness to experience. Those who reported higher levels of agreeableness and emotional stability also reported greater relationship happiness. "People invest a lot in finding someone who's compatible, but our research says that may not be the 'end-all, be-all. Instead, people may want to ask, 'Are they a nice person?' 'Do they have a lot of anxiety?' Those things matter way more." Be kind to the people you care about. 

Volunteer: To develop better relationships, make time to volunteer. Studies showed that men and women who took time to volunteer, even just a few hours a week, met more people, formed relationships with more people, and took pride and satisfaction in the volunteer work they were doing.

Learn to apologize: Sometimes, nurturing relationships means repairing relationships. And repairing relationships often means making apologies and making amends. There's a whole theory attached to how to apologize and when -- whether to use language that centers your apology on you or gives power to the other person ("I'm sorry" versus "Please forgive me," for example). All else being equal, however, the more other-centered your apology, the more powerful and effective it can be.

Ask questions: We all like to talk about ourselves. Even the introverts among us, given the right circumstances, have things they'd love to expound on. If you want to improve a relationship with someone, therefore, ask questions. If someone is looking for advice don't tell them what you think they should do; ask them questions that can help guide them to the right answer.

Express your love: I don't necessarily mean go around telling everyone you love them. Instead, there are many ways to love, and many ways to express it. Maybe it's the friend you volunteer to pick up at the airport, or to fix something broken at their house. Maybe it's the person you know who is working hard to achieve something, and you go out of your way to tell them you respect what they're doing. Maybe it's the person who doesn't know how much of an impact she's had, and you take the time to express gratitude.

Be willing to be vulnerable: Relationships involve risks, especially at the beginning. So, be willing to take them. As a practical example, if you want to make friends and develop great relationships, use the rule of three overturns -- meaning, be willing to try to start conversations or set up plans and be rejected three times before giving up. Once for the possibility that they didn't get or understand the message. Once for the possibility that they simply forgot or didn't have time to reply. Once for the possibility that it's their ego or fear getting in the way. The more people you try to make plans with, the more attempts you make, and the more opportunities you'll have to build good relationships. And, the sooner you can inoculate your ego against rejection -- recognizing that in big things and small, it's probably "them, not you" -- the happier you'll likely be.

 

The Unwritten Rules of Conversation

Thank you all for an uplifting and productive first week of preplanning! So much positive energy, camaraderie, dialogue, and consistent messaging!

For me, there’s always a blend of excitement and nervousness as we begin prepping for and putting the finishing touches on what’s needed for a smooth opening of school as we get ready to welcome back our students and their parents next week.

Preplanning is my favorite time of year, specifically the opportunity for us to learn, grow, collaborate, and socialize together.

This year there’s a very palpable esprit de corps! 

For those of you new to Trinity, most Fridays during the school year, I send out a summary of an article that piqued my interest and that I hope provokes thought in you as well.

I don’t agree with every article, yet I enjoy ones that make me think, challenge me to reflect on my educational beliefs, and even confront my educational biases. As we discussed this week, keeping an open mind and being less judgmental are critical to being more accepting of others.

This week’s article summary is “The Hidden Heart of Every Conversation” from Psychology Today.

As much of preplanning has focused on the importance of relationships, this first summary is a reminder of the dos and don’ts of conversations in our jobs as well as our personal lives.

Within a school, we all have many daily interactions with students, colleagues, and parents as well as a myriad of meetings large and small. While teams typically establish team meeting norms, I find most of the time we informally operate under the unwritten rules below. 

I’m guessing most of us are better at monitoring ourselves than pointing out to others when they break these norms. Yesterday, one book talk group mentioned ‘wise criticism’, providing constructive suggestions for improving while doing so in a positive, productive manner.

I especially enjoyed the six habits to avoid, as I’ve been guilty of all six and have friends and family members break them as well.

Thanks again for a great start of the school year! Enjoy the last weekend of summer!

Joe

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Even though very few of us get formal instruction on how to conduct a conversation, we follow several “culturally absorbed conventions” that foster cooperation and increase the chance that a chat will be rewarding:

• Mutuality: Taking turns
• Relevance: What’s said relates to what has been said before
• Quantity; Saying enough to be informative, but not too much
• Quality: Being truthful
• Manner; Being direct and clear, unless there’s a good reason not to.

Below are six conversational habits to avoid:

• Interrupting, which can make it seem we don’t care what the other person is saying
• Story-topping, which shifts the conversation from connection to competition
• Being right, which makes the conversation about winning an argument
• Being all-knowing, explaining information without being asked for our expertise
• Bright-siding: Always encouraging others to be positive can feel invalidating
• Advice-giving when our conversational partner just wants empathy

Thanks for Another Great Year

This year's final article summary is Great Quotes About Teaching.

Whenever I get to the end of a school year, I feel like I’m near the finish line of a marathon—physically and emotionally spent, operating solely on muscle memory. The first day of summer is coming yet the final days of school go by slowly. I long for that first idle day of summer free of any schoolwork.

Typically for me, I decompress over Memorial Day weekend but then find myself the next week ever so slightly beginning to reflect on the past school year and even starting to form plans for the next one. How quickly I forget that I craved free time just a few days before. Such is the life of a teacher—assessment and planning are in our DNA.

Similarly, we keep striving to perfect our craft even through the inevitable surprises, bumps, and mishaps of every school year. There are always ups and downs, yet teaching is the career I’m so gratified to have chosen! It’s both fatiguing and fulfilling.

As we head into summer, below are some notable quotes that illustrate how impactful our efforts are. 

At this time of year, we all need rejuvenation. Still, in a moment of relaxation and reflection this summer, remind yourself how much you mean to your students and colleagues!

Enjoy the summer!

Inspirational Teacher Quotes

• Teaching kids to count is fine, but teaching them what counts is best (Bob Talbert)
• Teaching is the greatest act of optimism (Colleen Wilcox)
• Nine-tenths of education is encouragement (Anatole France)
• The art of teaching is the art of assisting discovery (Mark Van Doren)
• Teachers have three loves: love of learning, love of learners, and the love of bringing the first two loves together (Scott Hayden)
• To teach is to learn twice over (Joseph Joubert)
• Education is our passport to the future, for tomorrow belongs to the people who prepare for it today (Malcom X)
• I like a teacher who gives you something to take home to think about besides homework (Lily Tomlin)
• Everyone who remembers his own education remembers teachers, not methods and techniques. The teacher is the heart of the educational system (Sidney Hook)
• It’s the teacher that makes the difference, not the classroom (Michael Morpurgo)
• I touch the future. I teach (Christa McAuliffe)
• The duties of a teacher are neither few nor small, but they elevate the mind and give energy to the character (Dorothea Dix)
• Teaching is more than imparting knowledge; it is inspiring change. Learning is more than absorbing facts; it is acquiring understanding (William Arthur Ward)
• The best teacher of children, in brief, is one who is essentially childlike (H. L. Mencken)
• The dream begins with a teacher who believes in you, who tugs and pushes and leads you to the next plateau, sometimes poking you with a sharp stick called ‘truth’ (Dan Rather)
• Education is the key to success in life, and teachers make a lasting impact in the lives of their students (Solomon Ortiz)
• Children are likely to live up to what you believe of them (Lady Bird Johnson)
• A good teacher can inspire hope, ignite the imagination, and instill a love of learning (Brad Henry)
• It is the supreme art of the teacher to awaken joy in creative expression and knowledge (Albert Einstein)
• To this end, the greatest asset of a school is the personality of the teacher (John Strachan)
• Teachers can change lives with just the right mix of chalk and challenges (Joyce Meyer)
• A teacher affects eternity; he can never tell where his influence stops (Henry B. Adams)
• A good teacher is like a candle—it consumes itself to light the way for others (Mustafa Kemal Atatürk)
• If you have to put someone on a pedestal, put teachers. They are society’s heroes (Guy Kawasaki)

Too Much Help From Mom May Backfire

This week's article summary is Too Much Help From Mom May Backfire.

As the research study cited in the article focused solely on how mothers helped their kids with homework, I am guessing that fathers should heed the same advice: helping your child with homework occasionally when needed is beneficial while hovering over and in the extreme completing homework for your child is deleterious.

Our goal as teachers is the same as parents in that we want our students/children to become empowered, autonomous, and independent. As the adults in our children/students’ lives, we ensure their physical and emotional safety and establish basic parameters for their behavior. But then we need to give them the space to find their way, knowing that there will be some obstacles along the way. It’s overcoming these obstacles that builds self-confidence and self-assurance.

One of the toughest challenges being a parent is to remain on the sidelines when our child is floundering, but as this research shows, all parents need to be experienced guides to offer advice and support when needed while avoiding being the rescuing savior.

Joe

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Parent support can help keep students on track academically, but a new international study suggests a light touch can be more helpful for students in the long run.

Researchers analyzed children's and their mothers' interactions around homework in relation to the children's academic progress from grades 2 to 4. The study focused on mothers rather than fathers.

They found that children benefitted from their mothers helping with homework, but the type of help mattered. Children whose mothers provided homework help when asked—but also gave students opportunities to work independently—both persisted at tasks longer and did better in school over time. By contrast, moms who gave very concrete help—for example, sitting down every night to go over every assignment, even if the child had not asked for help—had children who were less persistent over time.

One possible explanation is that when the mother gives her child an opportunity to do homework autonomously, the mother also sends out a message that she believes in the child's skills and capabilities. This, in turn, makes the child believe in him- or herself, and in his or her skills and capabilities.

The researchers also found that the parents' and children's behavior reinforced one another. The more often students disengaged from homework, the more likely moms were to handhold them through it, while mothers whose children stuck out homework longer gave them more autonomy in future assignments.

How Moms and Dads Watch Their Kids

This week's article summary is Dads Are Happier and Less Stressed Than Moms Because They Handle Childcare That's Fun.

I used this article as a springboard for discussion in a Dialogue for Dads session I had earlier in the year.

The positive from the article is fathers today do more with their kids than dads in previous generations. Yet fathers do a lot more of what is considered the fun part of childrearing like weekend recreational play/coaching/games and bedtime reading.

Moms are still primarily responsible for what the article calls ‘managerial’  and ‘solo’ parent duties.

I was intrigued by the article’s final paragraph that looked at how moms and dads continue to be viewed in a societal stereotypic manner. Fathers who play with their kids are lifted up, while moms in the workforce can be conflicted because they may feel they are not doing enough as parents. Dads get praise and accolades when they play with their kids but moms don’t  get the same praise if they work outside of the home and are responsible for the less glamorous aspects of parenting.

It is any wonder the researchers in the article find that dads are happy and fulfilled while moms are stressed!

Enjoy a hopefully stress-free Mother’s Day!

Joe

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As research has shown time and time again, moms tend to be more stressed out and less happier than dads—even despite reports suggesting the current generation of fathers play a more active role at home.

A new study sought to examine the context of how moms and dads care for their children.

During the study, researchers analyzed each childcare activity, using five dimensions: "activity type"—physical (eating and sleeping), recreational (play and sports), educational (helping with homework), and managerial (planning doctor visits or driving kids)—the amount of time spent doing the activity, the location, the amount of care involved, and the presence of any other people during that activity.

Researchers found that dads are more likely to oversee childcare activities that are recreational—like playing with kids, playing sports, doing arts and crafts, and reading to them—and that take place on the weekend. 

Moms are more likely to do "solo parenting," which is any type of childcare activity where there isn't a spouse or partner present, and do activities that involve an infant. 

In other words, dad does the fun stuff, while mom handles the not-so-fun stuff, like changing diapers, and usually all on her own.

The findings suggest that moms tend to be more tired and stressed out than dads are, and that moms are doing more childcare activities that lead to more stress down the line, and less happiness. Examples of this, we assume, are doing school drop-off and pickup, or being the one having to leave work, not their partner, if their kid is sick.

Based on the study, some aspects of parenting are more enjoyable than others and that the way childcare is distributed between mothers and fathers right now brings more emotional rewards for dads than for moms.

There was one area, however, that moms and dads had in common: both groups found caring for children to be highly meaningful, which supports previous research that suggests that today's dads are taking the whole parenting thing much more seriously.

The study did not determine if moms being stuck with the less enjoyable childcare activities is the result of personal choices or whether it's a reaction to outside forces like job demands, yet implies that it’s a combination of both.

Women have been socialized to believe that it's the mother's duty, not the father's, to take on the roles of primary caregiver and household manager. If a mom enters the workforce, she might feel guilty she's not with their kids, and if she chooses to stay at home, she might feel guilty for not having a career. Plus, the American workplace is generally not working-mom-friendly, and the U.S. is the only industrialized country without paid parental leave.