This week’s article summary is Teaching
Friendship in Preschool.
While written by a preschool teacher, the article’s
message is applicable to all teachers and parallels our discussions last week
about creating a positive school culture of respect and responsibility.
As we discussed, developing students’ social-emotional
skills takes time, vigilance, flexibility, and grace.
We all know that it’s important at the start of the year
to establish classrooms norms and guidelines. That’s the easy part.
What follows—maintenance, reminding, supervision, and
correction---is much harder and often frustrating for us.
As we also discussed, children need to learn how to
exist in a large community and they do this through practice and guidance from
adults.
These first weeks of school are when we need to develop
trusting relationships with our students, to help them see the reason behind
certain school rules and norms, and to work with them to agree on processes and
consequences for chronic misbehavior. Hence, teaching friendship is not only a goal of a preschool classroom!
Joe
----
Many preschool teachers call their students “friends,” but
do we think about why? My reason is straightforward: I call them friends
because I want them to be friends. They’re in preschool, and they’ll probably
be together in school for a number of years--a long time with someone you don’t
like. While they won’t all be close, I do want them to at least treat each
other like friends.
I once I taught at a summer school, and one day a student
was angry because another student said they weren’t friends. Another teacher
said to the angry student, “Well, you can’t be friends with the whole world.” I
thought that was a cop-out, a way for the teacher to get out of having a
difficult conversation with the student.
As an adult, I recognize that some relationships are
unhealthy. As a parent, for example, you may not want your children to play
with certain other children, and that’s fine. But teachers have to educate and
care for all of their students, and that means fostering a positive classroom
culture.
Young children can often act in unpleasant ways: They
throw loud temper tantrums, say mean things to peers and adults with no
remorse, or suddenly hurt their classmates over small things. Preschoolers
don’t have the toolbox to understand social norms, use appropriate
problem-solving skills, or think through an adverse situation. As desperately
as they want friends, sometimes preschoolers don’t know how to treat them.
Some get too attached, some will let others take all of
their toys in order to be liked, and some will use their “friendship” to make
others give them what they want—“If I’m not first in line, I’m not your
friend.” None of these sound particularly healthy, but they’re typical of young
children. But developmentally appropriate doesn’t mean free pass—especially
when it comes to the emotions of the other students.
So what’s the solution? Teaching children appropriate ways
to behave with each other. We can model several specific concepts to help
students build healthy friendships.
Friends can be mad at each other: “You’re
not my friend anymore” is a common refrain among young children. I emphasize
that being upset with someone doesn’t mean they’re not friends and that all the
way up to adulthood they will sometimes get mad at friends. We can teach
children to forgive and also let them know their angry feelings are valid.
Friends don’t always have to play together: Healthy
attachment is important, but we need to explicitly teach kids that just because
they’re not next to their favorite person doesn’t mean the friendship is over.
You can validate this with another student: “I’m playing with cars now, and
I’ll play with you later.” Teachers can switch up who we spend time with so
that students see us playing with everyone.
Friends can have other friends: It’s
OK to have other people in our lives. One person doesn’t replace another. I
once brought in two of my coworkers and explained that they were both my
friends and, just as importantly, that they were each other’s as well. Again,
we can explicitly make the point that sometimes kids play with their closest
friends and sometimes with other people.
We care about everyone: As
unpleasant as it can be for a 3-year-old to witness another student having a
temper tantrum, it’s the teacher’s actions that set the tone for the class.
It’s a difficult balance to be both firm and caring, but
phrasing and expectations are everything.
If you need to give consequences for an action, remember
that the class is watching. If you lose your cool, the kids will know it. You
don’t have to appease or bribe the disruptive student, and you can (and should)
set high expectations: “Please take a seat in the time-out corner, and you can
return to circle time when you’re feeling better.” But be clear that you want
that child to rejoin the rest of the class, when they’re ready.
Emphasize that consequences are in place to keep everyone
safe, and sometimes students need to calm down before coming back to the group.
There are no bad kids. If a child is having trouble, show that you care about
them—if you care about that student, the rest of the class will too.
The more effort you put into fostering positive
relationships with your class, the more they’ll play and work together, cry and
laugh together. Using these strategies, I see tons of empathy in my class by
May.
One last note: I hate to admit it, but that summer school
teacher was right—we can’t be friends with the whole world. But 3-year-olds
don’t know that, and why ruin things for them?
