Grit or Quit? How to Help Your Child Develop Resilience

This week's article summary is Grit or Quit? How to Help Your Child Develop Resilience.

Grit has been a popular topic in education since 2012 when Paul Tough’s book How Children Succeed was published, soon followed by Angela Duckworth’s Grit: The Power of Passion and Perseverance. Both books and the grit movement in schools complemented Carol Dweck’s earlier research and writing on growth mindset.

Like so many ideas in education, grit took a complex topic (success criteria) and attempted to solve it with a simplistic solution: just work harder.

Is grit important? Sure, but within limits. 

The article below focuses on extracurricular activities, especially sports, and what to do when a child wants to quit a team mid-season.

From a grit standpoint, adults should encourage (even require) children to stay on a team and see through their commitment. Parents often believe perseverance through an adverse experience builds character, which will help shape the child’s character.

The article is a good reminder for both parents and teachers that while we should help our kids embrace a growth mindset, learn to deal with adversity, and not to give up too easily, all that kids have to deal with can’t always fit into a tidy equation. There are always extenuating factors and sometimes quitting a team is warranted. 

When my kids were young, my wife and I viewed their development in an overly linear manner. For us, every step in their life was a direct building block to their future and any misstep could cause irrevocable damage. (One time my wife freaked out when one of my kids got an F on a 6th grade math test. She thought this was his first step on the road to ruin!) It turned out my son who failed a 6th grade math test thought he could ace the test without studying. An F was a better lesson for him than getting an A by not studying; it helped him begin to realize that there are no shortcuts in school or life for that matter. 

He also was a competitive soccer player, but by 8th grade he had begun to tire of the constant practices and weekend travel. He told my wife and me that he just wanted more time to hang out with his buddies and to learn to play guitar. We could have been stern parents and insisted he fulfill his obligation to his soccer team, but we recognized he was truly burnt out on soccer…at 14! 

As an adult, he doesn’t lack a growth mindset or work ethic—and he plays the guitar pretty well too!

Sometimes it’s okay to be a quitter.

Joe

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Grit. Don’t quit.

That’s the mantra many parents may have in mind when they, like me, spend what feels like years ferrying children to a seemingly endless variety of sports and activities. 

When it comes to grit, resilience, and kids sport, the question around their enrollment, ongoing participation, and right to quit is often the topic of much conversation – and consternation. As parents, what should we do when kids announce, often mid-season, they want to “take a break” or quit altogether?

As a parent and educator this raises the question of that invisible line we often tread about how much to push them, when to let them take a break, and when it’s OK to just let them quit.

More than mere buzzwords, the terms grit and resilience have themselves been the subject of extensive research. Professor Angela Duckworth has defined grit as “perseverance and passion for long-term goal”, saying it involves working strenuously towards challenges, maintaining effort and interest over years despite failure, adversity, and plateaus in progress.

Grit has been associated with growth mindset, satisfaction, and a sense of belonging.

One study found perseverance of effort predicted greater academic adjustment, college grade point average, college satisfaction, sense of belonging, and intent to persist.

As adults, perhaps we can reflect on experiences we’ve had in life that have helped build our resilience. But kids and adolescents are still developing grit and the ability to work strenuously towards a goal. Their brains are undergoing significant developmental changes. 

My research has a focus on teacher education and what helps teachers stick with a career that can be enervating and challenging.

Learning to help children and adolescents navigate challenging situations and being able to cultivate your own resilience in the face of trying circumstances is a crucial skill for teachers.

So how do we handle those difficult conversations when kids announce they want to quit a sport or activity?

Firstly, remain neutral and check the temperature of the conversation. Is this a heat-of-the-moment conversation? Right after a big loss or a less-than-stellar piano recital? Good decisions are not usually made in those moments. Sometimes the problem can be peer related and again, it is important for kids to learn to navigate those challenges.

All told, when kids announce they want to quit, keep the dialogue open. Listen carefully when they explain their reasons, but talk to your children about grit, too.

Share with them research that compares a growth mindset (which teaches that even when things get hard, we can learn and grow and get better) with a fixed mindset (which posits that either you’re good at something or not and there’s little room to change). Research also suggests having a growth mindset can foster persistence and positive long-term outcomes.

 

The key is that parents don’t teach resilience to children just by telling them about it. It is truly built through experience.