The Importance of Influence in Relationships

This week’s article summary is about the various ways we influence others.

At first, I bristled at the article stating that ‘all relationships are transactional.’ 

But just like the author who at first questioned his own research, I reflected on my relationships with others and to what extent they involve transactions. All my personal and/or professional relationships include various degrees of give and take, negotiation and persuasion, trust and honesty, respect and responsibility, and/or leaps of faith. While the word ‘transaction’ has a negative connotation, the article’s author explains that the purpose of our interactions with others is to ultimately further or achieve something. This morning before I came to school, my wife asked me if I would be so kind as to get her a pumpkin spice latte at Starbucks. I said yes, went to Starbucks, and then brought it home for her. A nice gesture for a sleepy spouse, but a transaction nevertheless. 

Clearly working at Trinity (or in any school) involves establishing, furthering, and sustaining a variety of relationships---with students, colleagues, parents. Sometimes we influence others (through our support and encouragement, expertise, assistance, problem-solving, etc.) and other times we lean and rely on others. I’ve always worked in fairly big schools where it’s important to trust that others are doing their job, ensuring the effective and efficient operation of the school, be it recess coverage, drop-off/pick-up duty, balancing the budget, or scope/sequence of our curriculum.

Regardless of size, the most crucial aspect of relationship building at any school is how we treat and support one another. Teachers are caregivers and we both give and need care.

Whether or not you bristle at the word ‘transactional’ as I initially did, we need to remind ourselves and each other how important relationships are to our happiness and to school success.

Joe

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I’ve just wrapped up three years of thinking, researching, and writing about the ways we build relationships to continue to engage in good work. Throughout the process, I’ve learned a lot about the power of relationships, and about my own ability (and sometimes inability) to form them and use them in ways that truly benefit all. Here are four of the big ideas I’ve gathered in this work.

All relationships are transactional: This was initially a tough pill for me to swallow because I do not like, particularly in education, to think that every relationship we form is for a purpose. But transactions don’t mean lack of caring, interest or responsibility. Instead, it simply means that we recognize that interactions are about give and take, and that our work with each other, regardless of the roles we play, is in service to something beyond ourselves.

Influence is something to be strengthened: This also seemed negative as the idea coalesced. When we think of exerting influence on somebody, we often see it as nefarious. What I’ve learned is that influence is something we all must look to build if we hope to assist others in making the decisions that are best for those we serve. Regardless of who said it first, “It takes a village” is certainly a true statement. And no matter who we are in that village, if the knowledge and skills we have will prove beneficial in making changes in ways that will be best for learners and our community-at-large, then we have a responsibility to use that knowledge and those skills. Influencing others simply means helping them see what they might not currently be able to visualize, and helping them get to where they might not currently be able to go.

Influence can be chunked into different buckets: The ways we use influence can be broken down into four areas, depending on how much effort is needed to start or sustain a relationship interaction. For instance, a Pull force requires a lot of work to start and sustain the interaction, while a Push really only requires work on the sustaining end. A Shove is very hands-off, while a Nudge requires a lot of pre-work and little to nothing in order to sustain. Each of these Forces of Influence, as we call them, have different characteristics, different optimal times of use, and different strategies to employ. The key is that no one influence move works in all situations; we become better at growing relationships by recognizing who needs what, when, and why. Then, it is all about the how of working with others to make change happen.

No person is an island: While relationship interactions can happen one-on-one, there is very little that we do that doesn’t involve a wider circle of people we know, value, and trust. In the world of relationships and influence, incorporating the skillsets of more than one person is precisely what is needed in order to make lasting change.

This work has made me rethink my strategies for interacting with others, and the steps I take when trying to lead to change, whether it be on my own part, or in partnership with others. Overturning some thinking around relationships and relationship building has helped me welcome the power of influence and the benefit it can provide in reaching positive outcomes for all.