Parenting Mistakes That Destroy Kids' Confidence and Self-Esteem

This week’s article summary is 7 Biggest Parenting Mistakes That Destroy Kids' Confidence and Self-Esteem.

The longer I’m in education, the more I believe that the most important goal of school (and parenting) is to develop agency (sense of self) and communion (sense of others) in our children. Yes, filling our kids with content knowledge is a goal of education, yet shaping our children’s character so they can look both inward and outward equip them to make a positive difference in the world and to be happy and fulfilled. To me, everything else in education (and parenting) emanates from sense of self and others.

The article below written by a child psychotherapist reminds parents and teachers that adults need to give kids the space and time to develop personal responsibility, make mistakes, develop fortitude, and become self-confident and assured.

I really liked the author’s point about the difference between discipline and punishment. It’s inevitable and natural for all kids to push up to and even exceed expectations and limits—and it’s important for all of us to learn need by seeing the consequences of poor decisions, yet doing so via discipline is much more effective than through punishment.

Joe

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All parents want their kids to feel good about themselves — and with good reason.

Studies have shown that confident kids experience benefits ranging from less anxiety and improved performance in school to increased resilience and healthier relationships. 

As a psychotherapist, I’ve seen many parents engage in strategies they believe will build their children’s confidence. But some of those strategies can backfire, creating a vicious cycle where kids struggle to feel good about who they are. As a result, parents may find themselves working overtime trying to boost their children’s self-esteem.

Here are the seven biggest parenting mistakes that crush kids’ confidence:

Letting them escape responsibility: While you might think chores will weigh your kids down and add to their stress level, pitching in around the house will help them become more responsible citizens. Doing age-appropriate duties helps them feel a sense of mastery and accomplishment. So whether you tell your child to help with the laundry or take the trash out, responsibilities are opportunities for kids to see themselves as capable and competent.

Preventing them from making mistakes: It’s tough to watch your child fail, get rejected or mess up on something. When this happens, so many parents rush in to save kids before they fall. But preventing them from making mistakes robs them of the opportunity to learn how to bounce back. Whether your child forgets their cleats before a big soccer game or gets a few questions wrong on their math quiz, mistakes can be life’s greatest teacher. Each one is an opportunity for them to build the mental strength they need to do better next time.

Protecting them from their emotions: It’s tempting to cheer your kids up when they’re sad or calm them down when they’re angry. But how we react to our kids’ emotions has a big impact on the development of their emotional intelligence and self-esteem. Help your kids identify what triggers their emotions and teach them how to self-regulate. Provide them with a framework that helps explain how they feel so they’ll have an easier time dealing with those emotions in a socially appropriate way in the future.

Condoning a victim mentality: Saying things like “we can’t afford new shoes like the other kids because we come from a poor background” reinforces to your child that most of life’s circumstances are out of their control. Rather than allowing your kids to host pity parties or exaggerate their misfortunes, encourage them to take positive action (e.g., setting up a lemonade stand so they can save up to buy things they want or need). Kids who recognize their choices in life feel more confident in their ability to create a better future for themselves.

Being overprotective: Sure, keeping your child inside a protective bubble spares you a lot of anxiety. But keeping them insulated from challenges stunts their development. View yourself as a guide, not a protector. Allow your kids to experience life, even when it’s scary to let go. You’ll give them the opportunity to gain confidence in their ability to deal with whatever life throws their way.

Expecting perfection: High expectations are healthy, but expecting too much has its consequences. When kids view expectations as too high, they might not even bother trying or they might feel as though they’ll never measure up. Instead, give clear expectations for the long-term and set milestones along the way. For example, going to college is a long-term expectation, so help them create short-term goals along the way (e.g., getting good grades, doing their homework, reading).

Punishing, rather than disciplining: Kids need to learn that some actions lead to serious consequences. But there’s a big difference between discipline and punishment. Kids who are disciplined think, “I made a bad choice.” Kids who are punished think, “I’m a bad person.” In other words, discipline gives your child confidence that they can make smarter, healthier choices in the future, while punishment makes them think they’re incapable of doing any better.