The Magic of Validation

This week’s article summary is The Magic of Validation.

If you’re like me, in both your personal and professional life there are a couple of people you just can’t work with and never seem to agree with. It can be a colleague, neighbor, or family member. In our case as teachers, it can be parents and even students.

And when you get into a tense situation with these people, your defense mechanisms trigger. Maybe you’re passive aggressive, maybe you fight back, or maybe you simply ignore them; regardless you never seem to settle whatever problem/issue you were hoping to solve.

The article below asks us to try a new strategy with those we have difficulty working/co-existing with by using a three-step process to validate their thoughts and feelings.

Validation doesn’t mean giving into someone’s crazy idea, poor behavior, or insensitivity.

Rather validation is intended to begin to build and form mutual trust, to reduce defensiveness, and most importantly to keep the dialogue progressing in a productive direction toward a solution.

As we move into the final weeks of February with Spring Break still a ways off, this is the stir-crazy time of the school year when we can all get on one another’s nerves.

Joe

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Suppose you’re standing at your classroom door, greeting students as they arrive. One of them comes through and sees that on the daily agenda, you’ve written “Choose topics for speeches.” Right away, his shoulders slump.

“Oh man,” he says to no one in particular, “I hate speeches!”

What do you say?

1. What? Speeches are awesome.
2. You talk all the time! You’re gonna love it.
3. Shocker! Gabe has another complaint.
4. Gabe, we enter the room silently, please.
5. What do you hate about speeches, Gabe?

With options A through D, you’re arguing with Gabe, dismissing his feelings, attacking him personally, or ignoring what he said altogether. But with option E, you’re reacting with curiosity. You’re trying to learn more. With option E, you’re already on your way to validating Gabe’s point of view.

Validation is the act of recognizing and affirming the feelings or perspective of another person. It’s acknowledging that these thoughts and feelings are true for that person. It’s a very simple, astoundingly fast way to make progress in a conversation: It eases tension, builds trust, and gets you and the other person to a solution more quickly.

The only problem with validation is that at first, it’s really hard to do. We’re so used to defending our own position, to staying sort of clenched in our own stance, that shifting to a place where we try to see things from another point of view can feel unnatural, almost painful at first. But once you’ve given it a real try, you’re going to see some of your most difficult conversations get a whole lot better.

People want to be understood. They want to feel heard. When a person doesn’t feel heard, she just clings more tightly to her own position. It  really is that simple, and it’s one of the reasons so many conflicts last so long and often escalate to ridiculous proportions. People on both sides of any conflict try and try to explain and defend themselves, to make the other person see something the way they see it.

Unfortunately, our typical responses usually make the situation worse:

Arguing with the other person’s viewpoint, like saying that speeches are awesome in response to Gabe’s statement, is a natural reaction, but it probably won’t impact his opinion. He’ll most likely want to come back with an argument about why speeches do suck, and you’ll just go back and forth. Until he feels heard, Gabe will have a hard time considering your point of view.

Dismissing the other person’s feelings, like pointing out to Gabe that he talks all the time and therefore couldn’t possibly dislike speeches, will not only not change his mind, it will also make him feel misunderstood. His original negative emotion tied to speeches has now been joined by a feeling of frustration that you just don’t get him. And depending on how serious the underlying problem is, your flippant dismissal could really hurt.

Ignoring the person’s concern by focusing on something else, like we did when we merely addressed a rule about being quiet, can make a person feel like they just don’t matter. Reminding Gabe to enter the room quietly doesn’t actually change his mind about the speeches. It hasn’t taken any of the negative feelings away. And by completely ignoring his concern, we are telling him that his feelings just aren’t important.

Ad hominem attacks, like the snide comment about Gabe complaining all the time, are another way of dismissing and delegitimizing the other person’s viewpoint. When our students voice a concern and we accuse them of being insubordinate, asking “silly questions,” or trying to stall or waste time, we are attacking them personally while avoiding the content of what they’re saying.

In all of these cases, the other person has not learned anything new, you have not come to any new understandings or solved any problems, and you have very likely created new negative feelings. Keep repeating this cycle and you have the makings of a problem relationship.

In schools, where our business requires constant interaction with other people, conflicts and misunderstandings are always available to us.

Things go differently with validation. When people practice validating each other’s feelings and opinions at the first sign of trouble, conflicts rarely escalate. Instead, they become conversations. They become opportunities to learn from each other.

HOW TO VALIDATE IN THREE STEPS

STEP 1: REFLECT THE CONTENT: The most important thing to do is simply paraphrase the main thing the person is saying to you to make sure you understand. Doing this lets them know you’re listening, and if you remove all sarcasm and “attitude” from your voice, you’ll sound interested and curious, not judgmental. You might use phrases like these:

·         What I hear you saying is ________. Is that right?

·         Let me see if I’m understanding you right…

·         In other words, _____

 

STEP 2: ACKNOWLEDGE THE EMOTION: The other person will really feel heard if you can label the emotion they are describing, or ask a question to clarify the emotion. Here are some examples:

·         That sounds frustrating.

·         It sounds like you’re feeling worried.

·         So you felt confused?

·         How did you feel about that?

 

STEP 3: COMMUNICATE ACCEPTANCE: An important part of validation is letting the person know that you accept their feelings as they are. You may not feel the same way, and their feelings might create problems for you, but they are what they are. Try some of these phrases:

·         I can see why you’d feel that way.

·         A lot of people feel that way.

·         That’s understandable.

·         It can be (upsetting, frustrating, nerve-racking, scary) when that happens.

Now if you strongly disagree with something a person is saying and you just can’t bring yourself to accept it, try looking for the part you DO agree with, the part you can relate to. When arguing about a proposed new academic policy in school, for example, you might really dislike the idea itself, but you can start by saying that you also care very much about student success and you agree that the current system needs fixing.

AND THEN?

Once you’ve done these three things—reflected the content, acknowledged the emotion, and communicated acceptance—what comes next? Sometimes, nothing at all. You might just end the conversation there, with the other person returning to their thoughts, finally released from defending their point of view and ready to move on to a place of deeper contemplation.

Or the person might keep talking about this thing that’s bothering them—probably in a much calmer, more productive way—and all you have to do is listen quietly. They may arrive at their own solution without much need for your help.

At other times, you might need to continue to ask open-ended questions like, “Can you tell me more about that?” so the person can keep talking, and you might get to a new place of understanding on the issue.

Another thing that’s likely to happen is that the person will start to acknowledge your position without you even having to ask for it. This isn’t something you should expect, and you might have to introduce it on your own by saying something like, “Can I tell you how I see it?” But in a lot of cases, you’re going to be surprised by how quickly the validated person wants to return the favor.

THE PUSHBACK: WHY WE RESIST VALIDATING

Despite the incredible effectiveness of reflective listening and validation, you might still not want to do it. Here are some likely objections:

I DON’T AGREE WITH THE PERSON, SO I CAN’T VALIDATE THEIR OPINION: This is tough, because you’re probably still trying to get your own point across. How on earth can you shift over to acknowledging their feelings? Validating another person’s point of view is not the same as agreeing with them. You’re just letting the person know you hear them. Of course, it’s important to make sure your words reflect that: If a student says, “I suck at math,” you don’t say, “Yeah you do.” Instead, you could just restate their words as a question: “You don’t think you’re good at math?” This will prompt them to tell you more.

 

BUT THEIR POSITION ISN’T VALID. WHY WOULD I WANT TO ENCOURAGE IT? Remember that you’re not agreeing, just restating and clarifying their position. And keep in mind that by acknowledging the part of it that is true and by letting the person know you clearly understand their position, you will actually help them cling less tightly to it. In other words, they may be more likely to see your point of view because they feel like they’re dealing with a rational person who has taken the time to understand theirs.

 

THIS IS ALL TOUCHY-FEELY B.S. IT’S NOT ME: Okay, validation doesn’t have to look and sound like you’re in a therapist’s office. You can develop your own style. It can sound tough, it can be quick, and it doesn’t have to come with hugs and cupcakes if that’s not who you are.

Conflict with the people in our lives is inevitable. We want different things, we’ve had different life experiences. We just aren’t going to see things the same way. Unfortunately, our natural instinct is to respond to these differences with rigidity, by pushing harder, protecting our own egos, digging in our heels. Some part of our brain tells us that this is the strong response.

But there can be a real strength in softening, in loosening our grip for a few minutes to take in some new information, to look at someone else’s truth squarely in the eye and just let it into the room. It takes a lot more courage and self-control and self-confidence to do that. And almost every time, it softens the other person, too, opening them up to understanding you better.