Spread Positivity Not Negativity

This week’s article summary is What It's Like to Go Without Complaining For a Month.

I am a big believer in positive thought and attitude leading to a positive life and outcomes. (It's all about your perspective, right?)

In fact, my aspiration to become a head of school was influenced by a group of cynical, snarky, negative teachers. 

I was a ten-year teaching veteran of two schools. We had an after-school, all-school meeting—a meeting where the head of school was providing all-school updates to the faculty/staff (like we had on Wednesday). 

I was an 8^th grade history teacher and was being courted by the upper school history department to move from middle to upper school. All these upper school history teachers were incredibly bright and totally devoted to their discipline. But they also had the reputation of being a cynical, negative bunch who were “too cool for school.” This extended to them being mean and rude to poor performing students (it was the early 90s and we weren't as enlightened then about the dangers of sarcasm in the classroom). This negative, selfish attitude extended to relationships with colleagues and whole school events.  In faculty meetings, they always sat in the back row, never volunteered to help out colleagues, and certainty couldn’t be bothered listening to any administrator, let alone the head of school. (If you've taught in high school, you most likely know the type I'm describing.)

As I walked into the faculty meeting, their ring leader caught my eye and invited me to sit with them--in the prestigious back row reserved for only those who were invited. In some ways an honor, right? Here I was in my early 30s and I was being invited into this exclusive club. Oddly and sadly, they were in many ways the teachers most of us aspired to be like. (Is it any wonder kids have a hard time being empathetic, compassionate, and inclusive when they see adults act so badly?)

I still vividly remember this moment. I was at a crossroad in my career and even in my life. Would I join the negative cynics (the Dark Side)?

Ignoring the wave of the ring leader, I sat—not in the front (I’m not a total suck-up after all)—but in the third or fourth row—and decided then that I would rather be the guy on stage than a member of the back row that preferred to complaining to working with others on possibilities and solutions. 

This article made me think of my decision to be positive and avoid those who spread negativity. It made me a better teacher and, more important, it helped me be a better and more positive person.

Trinity is the fourth school I’ve worked in and maybe it’s a little bit of being elementary only and a little of the community ethos of continuous betterment, but I am very appreciative of the spirit of positivity here. Yes, there are stressful times and those who dwell on the negative in all our lives and even here at school, but mostly there is joy and fun and positivity at Trinity.

As most of us get a well-deserved break from school, think about how all of us can use the recommendations below and focus on the positive during stressful times.

Enjoy Spring Break!

Joe

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Over 1,000 other people recently signed up for the Complaint Restraint project.

The goal? Creating a more positive life by eliminating negative statements.

As the website states, there’s no secret sauce--simply stop complaining.

But is it that easy? What’s so bad about complaining, anyway?

Griping comes naturally for us. During an average conversation, we lob complaints at each other about once a minute, according to research. There’s a social reason for that. "Nothing unites people more strongly than a common dislike," says Trevor Blake, author of Three Simple Steps. "The easiest way to build friendship and communicate is through something negative."
Also, evolution primes us to focus on the negative for self-defense, says Jon Gordon, author of The No Complaining Rule. "The more we look at something that can hurt us and kill us, we are programed to be on guard against that."

But all of that whining comes with a cost. When we complain, our brains release stress hormones that harm neural connections in areas used for problem solving and other cognitive functions. This also happens when we listen to someone else moan and groan. "It’s as bad as secondhand smoke," Gordon says. "It’s secondhand complaining."

Swearing off something that comes naturally to us seems like a setup for failure. Indeed, the creators of Complaint Restraint admit they fail their mission miserably every year. "Things you do habitually are really hard to give up," says Joanna Wolfee a professor of English at Carnegie-Mellon University. "Have you ever tried to eliminate the ‘you knows’ and ‘uh-huhs’ from your speech? It is extremely difficult."

And sometimes we absolutely need to vent. It feels good, doesn’t it? One study showed that bottling emotions could shorten your life by an average of two years.

The good news is this: There can be middle ground between going cold turkey and being a Negative Nancy. If you’re serious about complaining less, here are some realistic tips for success.

Start By Defining What A Complaint Is: If you point out that it’s cold outside, is that a complaint? No, that’s an observation. A complaint is, ‘It’s cold outside and I hate living in this place.’

Track How Often You Complain And What About: Change starts with awareness.  

Separate Yourself From Chronic Complainers: If you must lend an ear, try to respond with something positive rather than joining in on the rant session. You will find over a period of time those people who complain constantly start to leave you alone because their brains are not getting that stimulus they’re looking for.

Turn Complaints Into Solutions: This is called "positive complaining" or "effective complaining. Don’t sit around and admire the problem. Do something about it.

Use The "But-Positive" Technique: If you find yourself griping, add a ‘but’ and say something positive.

Change "Have To" To "Get To": “I have to pick up the kids" becomes "I get to pick up the kids." You change a complaining voice to an appreciative heart. You’ll feel so much better the more you focus on the positive over time. At first, it will be a little awkward, but the more you get used to it, it becomes your natural state.

One participant in the Complaint Restraint project stated it was hard but worth it. "I slipped a lot. But I’ve had more examples this month of me being more positive and better things happening."