7 Things Teachers Can Quit Doing This Year

Thank you for an uplifting and productive first week of preplanning! So much positive energy, camaraderie, dialogue,  consistent messaging—and ample time to prepare classrooms and plan with classroom and grade teams!

For me, there’s always a mix of excitement and nervousness as we begin prepping for and putting the finishing touches on what’s needed for a smooth opening of school as we prepare to welcome back our students and their parents.

Preplanning is my favorite time of year, especially the opportunities for us to learn, grow, collaborate, and socialize together.

This year there’s a very palpable esprit de corps. Let’s continue to build on this momentum and inaugurate the year with energy, positivity, and purpose!

For those of you new to Trinity, most Fridays during the school year, I send out a summary of an article that piqued my interest and that I hope provokes thought in you as well.

I don’t agree with every article, yet I enjoy the ones that challenge me to reflect on my educational beliefs and even confront my educational biases.

This week’s article summary is 7 Things Teachers Can Quit Doing This Year.

I have always been a self-reflective person. Yes, I’ve benefitted from external feedback and advice from supervisors and colleagues, yet it’s been self-evaluation that has led to the greatest changes and growth in me.

As my entire career has been in education, I’ve had summers to reflect and new school years to implement.

To me, this article is ideal for the start of a new school year because it asks us as educators to avoid falling into the same routine and experiment with new ideas and practices.

As I read the author’s seven suggestions, I thought of the following, all of which were mentioned this week:

• The process of learning is equal to the product of learning
• Each child is the principal driver of his/her learning
• Learning is a social endeavor
• A teacher’s positive attitude greatly benefits classroom culture and student effort and resilience
• Teachers need to ensure their self-care throughout the school year

Thanks again for such a fulfilling week and enjoy the final weekend of summer!

Joe

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Teachers, your well-earned summer is winding down and school is starting up again. Right now, you might be focused on turning your empty classroom into a supportive learning environment.

But before you know it, you’ll have fallen into a teaching routine: lesson planning, classroom management, grading, and everything in between.

This year, are you returning to some old habits? Have you asked yourself if your standard practices are essential or superfluous? Have you thought about shaking up your pedagogy or mindset by casting off some of your classroom traditions? Here are seven things teachers can let go of in the spirit of being a better educator:

Grades: Author and Education Week blogger Starr Sackstein has been a longtime advocate for ditching grades. “Ungrading” isn’t a new concept, but it’s catching on and even has a robust online community. In this short video (you need to click the article link above to access the video), Sackstein offers some quick tips for teachers who want to stop marking student progress with letters and numbers.

Talking so much: Have you reflected on how much time you spend talking in class? “Simple changes to how long teachers talk can have a profound influence on the effectiveness of their instruction,” writes Wendy James, coordinator of collegiate renewal and curriculum for Saskatoon Public Schools in Canada. James offers teachers three strategies for cutting down on oral instruction. Check them out.

Seeing students’ struggles as problems: Students “are mysterious, developing individuals,” writes teacher Kyle Redford. “Approaching their struggles like puzzles to solve, rather than problems to react to, makes our instruction more effective.” One way to do that, she argues, is by adopting “compassionate curiosity”–a concept she borrowed from a mindfulness expert and spiritual leader. Learn more about it.

The fear of “getting in trouble”: Justin Minkel, a teacher and regular contributor to Education Week, says most teachers he knows share a phobia of being reprimanded. “Seventeen years since I started teaching, I still get nervous when my principal walks into my room,” writes Minkel. He offers this challenge to educators: Throw the rules out the window for a week and see what happens. Wondering where to start? Minkel has you covered.

Being a martyr: “It’s time for the unhealthy narrative of the martyr teacher to die. This expectation does a disservice to the entire profession.” That bold statement comes from teacher Natashia Hill, who is fed up with the idea “that great teachers must live a life of imbalance, poverty, and continual self-sacrifice.” Check out her five tips for shaking off the expectation of martyrdom.

Running yourself ragged: “Self-care is not selfish,” says Danna Thomas, a kindergarten teacher in Baltimore who founded a teacher-support group called Happy Teacher Revolution. She’s not wrong. Recent studies have a drawn a link between teacher burnout and student stress. So get a good night’s sleep. Eat lunch. And focus on your social and emotional needs. Here’s what educators and researchers are saying about the positives effects that could have.

The teachers’ lounge (well, metaphorically): “The teachers’ lounge is not a place at all,” writes teacher Lauren Powell. “It is an attitude or atmosphere fostered by disenchanted teachers intent on bringing everyone down a level.” Gossip breeds negativity, Powell argues, and creates a toxic environment that spreads to the students. Hear her out.

Hopefully this list has left you inspired (or at least intrigued).

Thank You for Another Great School Year!

This week's end-of-school-year article summary is Think Yourself Better: 10 Rules to Live By.

I always like to close the school year with an article on how we live our lives both inside and outside of school.

I consider myself very fortunate to have spent the majority of my career working in elementary and middle schools whose cultures are grounded in optimism, positivity, and growth.

I don’t know if I am an optimist by nature or that working in such uplifting environments has made me more positive. Yet, always seeing the positive and enjoying myself in my job and my personal life have been constants throughout my life.

The end of a school year is always exciting—with summer break tantalizingly near. I usually need the first days of summer to decompress, but then I inevitably find myself thinking and reflecting on the previous school year and then beginning to plan for next year. It’s this annual opportunity for fresh starts that has kept energizing me for the past 45 years.

When I was in college, my dad told me that whatever career I chose, he hoped my job gave me fulfillment. Even after roughly 7500 morning get-ups, I can honestly say that every day I have looked forward to coming to school.

I hope all of you are equally fulfilled in teaching and working in a school. Everyone likes the cuteness of puppies and kittens. But, of course, puppies and kittens grow up to be dogs and cats (and not everyone, including my wife, is an animal lover). I like to tell people that my job is so special because every year Trinity gets a new batch of puppies and kittens to educate!

Thank you for another spectacular and memorable year!

Joe

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The thing that separates human beings from other animals is our extraordinary capacity for complex, abstract thought. This is what has given rise to our diverse cultures, our scientific achievements, our ability to envisage the future and, hopefully, make it better than what has gone before.

But our imperfect minds have also generated terrible mistakes and dangerous ideologies. If we don’t know how to distinguish bad thinking from good, we can end up believing what we shouldn’t, and behaving in ways that are harmful to ourselves, to others, and to the planet.

Throughout history wise men and women have applied themselves to these problems in the service of their own development and that of humankind. Rather than start from scratch, why not draw on thousands of years of experience, and millions of hours of reflection and practice? Here is what some of the most powerful ideas that can help guide us how to think – and live – well.

• Be sincere

• Be charitable

• Be humble

• Keep it simple, but not simplistic

• Choose your words with care

• Be eclectic

• Think for yourself, not by yourself

• Seek clarity not certainty

• Pay attention

• Follow the mean

 

The Myth of the Perfect Parent

This week's article summary is  The Myth of the Perfect Parent is Driving Parents Nuts, and it’s a follow up to last week's summary on how parenting styles have changed over the past 40 years.

Certainly parenting today is different from past generations with the hectic pace of our lives, the ubiquity of technology, an on-demand society that encourages multi-tasking, and the need to keep pace with the exotic and varied experiences other parents provide for their children.

As last week’s article highlighted, while times change, kids’ needs don’t. Above all else, they need love, attention, and connection with others, particularly their parents.

As you’ll see in the article, today’s parents often feel they fall short when it comes to spending enough time with their kids.

During preplanning we talked about the key to happiness being the quality, not the quantity, of our friendships.

The same holds true to raising children: it’s the quality of the time we spend with them!

Joe

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Children may see their parents as superheroes, but moms and dads across America would gladly agree they’re far from perfect. In fact, American parents feel an average of 23 pangs of guilt in a single week over parenting decisions they feel weren’t quite up to standard.

From trying to keep their family eating healthy to planning activities to please everyone, 75% of parents today say they feel pressure to be “perfect.” And the urge to be a flawless parent comes from everywhere: friends, family, even online through social media.

As a result of these pressures, a new study that examined how parents rate their own parenting skills found that 25% find themselves second-guessing their decisions on a regular basis. With pressure comes stress, and the #1 reason parents feel guilt is for losing their temper.

With a third being so busy with work that they’ve missed their child’s activities, sports games, or teacher meetings, the results show that not being home enough is another top reason behind parental guilt.

Moms are more than twice as likely to feel bad about giving their kids too much screen time with electronics, nagging kids over chores, and not making enough home-cooked meals.

While the average parent cooks four meals per week, 70% say they would make home-cooked meals every day if they had the time – but realistically have only about 30 minutes to prepare meals on a school night.

63% of parents say something as simple as making a home-cooked dinner makes them feel like a supermom or superdad.

One in 3 parents treat their family to a special weekend meal or a trip to a restaurant to make up for some of that guilt.

Waking up early to serve their children a wholesome, nutritious breakfast also makes parents feel successful.

Six in 10 say they will try and serve a home-cooked meal every week night.

Parenting isn’t a one-size-fits-all strategy. Doing the best you can often is the best – and parents need to recognize and celebrate all the things they do well and give themselves permission to let go of some of the guilt and set more realistic expectations. Kids likely won’t remember the details of what was served for dinner, but rather the time spent together as a family.

For parents, social media has its drawbacks. One in 5 parents admits to competing with other parents on social media by posting photos and videos of their “happy” family.

However, older millennials and Gen-X parents say they’re more likely to experience inspiration and happiness from the social posts of other parents.

Younger millennials, however, are more likely to experience negative emotions such as guilt and jealousy. And parents who use Facebook experience the most guilt.

Sixty-two percent say that if they have something to be proud of when it comes to their parenting, they’ll likely post about it on social media.

Top 10 things parents feel guilty over:

• Losing my temper
• Not playing enough with my children
• Not being home enough
• Letting my children have too much screen time
• When I don’t feel like I’m being a good role model
• Not being able to take my children on more vacations or outings
• When I don’t have time to make home-cooked meals
• Not reading enough to and with my children
• Letting my kids eat junk food
• Working too much

Top five qualities that people think makes a ‘good’ parent

• Being present for my kids
• Being a good listener and giving good advice
• Being available to help with daily homework
• Attending all or most of my children’s academic, social and extracurricular activities
• Being able to take my children on vacation

 

Old Time Parenting

This week's article summary is I Parented Like It Was 1985--This Is What I Learned.

The author fondly remembers how her parents raised her in the 80s. Due to her parents’ hectic work schedules, she and her brother were often left to their own devices after school and on weekends.

The author as a parent in the 2020s allowed her kids the same kind of unsupervised freedom for a week, and her article is about what she learned from the experience.

While kids today have the same needs as kids in the 1980s, parenting norms have dramatically changed, in particular, how little unstructured, free time kids have today.

The author believes that social media has overly influenced her parenting and her need to provide the best experiences for her kids. As social media posts from others highlight -- and perhaps exaggerate -- the myriad experiences of their kids, parents today inevitably try to keep up by over-scheduling their own children with music lessons, sports, and other activities.

As we know, for kids to develop into healthy adults with well-honed executive function skills, they need time to themselves and with peers to figure out who they are and how to work effectively with others. Under adult supervision, kids often don’t have the opportunities to resolve disputes by themselves or to entertain themselves without technology.

I don’t think parents in the 1980s knew better than parents today, but they didn’t have the complication of dealing with today’s pressures to give their child everything. This is more fully explored in a new book called The Anxious Generation by Jonathan Haidt who writes that parents today to their kids’ detriment under protect them in their virtual, online life yet over protect them in their real life. He poses solutions at the end of his book, but he also recognizes that true change must come from the collective, not just one parent.

Parenting today is definitely an upstream battle.

Joe

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My mom worked full-time while also going to law school. My dad worked as a civil engineer and traveled almost every week. My grandfather lived with us and watched over my brother and me when my parents weren’t home. He couldn’t get around much, so he stayed planted in a recliner perched in front of a tiny television in his room.

For the most part, my brother and I had immense freedom to wander our neighborhood and make our own decisions on how we would spend our free time.

My mom would drive us to school and we would take the bus home. My grandfather was usually sleeping when we got home, so we would raid the pantry for snacks, watch MTV, and then walk around the neighborhood looking for someone to play with. My best friend, Misty, lived across the street. Every day, I would cross the street (I rarely looked both ways) and ring her doorbell. “Can Misty come out to play?” Misty’s mom would let me inside, and we’d watch MTV or play Atari on her waterbed. When Misty and I found a VHS copy of Nightmare on Elm Street laying around, we watched it without anyone stopping us.

Eventually, I’d wander back home in time for dinner (which was always at 6:00 p.m. sharp), and I’d watched TV until bedtime. Ah, the ’80s!

My mom didn’t schedule playdates or activities to keep us occupied. That was up to us. That’s not to say my parents weren’t present. They were amazing parents—they did a lot and provided us with everything we needed (and sometimes wanted). But my brother and I had a particular kind of freedom that simply does not exist for kids today.

Parenting today is drastically different than it was in 1985. But perhaps it didn’t have to be, I thought to myself recently.

For one week, I decided to give my kids the freedom that I had when I was 7 years old (the same age as my son now). I would let them mediate their own fights, entertain themselves, forage for their own snacks, and give them full access to the TV—without parental locks.

With that in mind, I let the week commence. With the kids on summer break and me working from home, it was the perfect opportunity to let them—and myself—have more freedom. Both kids were very confused when I told them that I was not going to get in the middle of their arguments or plan the week for them. “Entertain yourselves,” I told them.

On the first day of the experiment, it rained heavily. We were stuck indoors, and the kids decided to watch TV for a very long time. I didn’t stop them, and after a while, they decided to turn it off on their own and ventured into the basement to play until dinnertime.

The second day, the weather was beautiful, and both kids played outside for hours. I told them not to cross the street and to stay within a two to three house perimeter. They obeyed, and I worked inside feeling guilty that I wasn’t watching them and panicking that someone would steal them. When my husband came home, he asked, “Where are the kids?”

“Outside,” I replied. “And you’re not watching them? It’s not safe!” I quickly ran outside to look for them. I couldn’t find them anywhere. My heart began to palpitate until I heard giggles from behind a bush two houses away. They were playing with the neighborhood kids and digging for bugs. They had created an entire bug city and were covered in mud.

The rest of the week progressed the same—me giving them freedom and then feeling immediate guilt and panic at doing so. I thought I would surely be arrested when, one day, I accompanied them to the park but instead of helping them navigate through the playground and play with them, I just sat on a faraway bench (out of sight sometimes) and let them be.

At the end of the week, I realized that three things were heavily dominating my thoughts: panic, guilt,  and comparison.

Panic at the constant dangers that are out there in the world and not wanting my kids to fall prey to them. I have to get over this constant fear that saturates every part of parenting. I vowed to no longer watch the evening news or Dateline.

Guilt that I am not being present and giving 100 percent of myself to them at all times. If I give them space, I’m not giving them all of me. If I give them all of me, I feel resentful, and then I feel guilty. It’s a constant cycle.

Comparing myself to other parents is my downfall. That parent reads to her kids for an hour every day! Some days, I skip the books altogether. This other mom makes treasure box adventures for her kids when they’re bored! I just tell my kids to clean their rooms. Instagram and Pinterest have made me privy to the perfect lives of other women, and I always feel like I’m behind the curve. I don’t have a fiddle leaf tree in my home or a dedicated playroom with chalk walls for my kids to be “creative.” Am I still doing OK?

I learned that I don’t have what it takes to parent like it’s 1985 because I care too much about what others think of me and how I parent. In 1985, my parents raised us the best they could and didn’t feel guilty about their decisions. My mom wasn’t comparing herself to Judy down the street nor did she feel bad that her home wasn’t dinner-party ready at all times. The only opinion that mattered in how she parented was her own. She didn’t have an Instagram page where she could read negative comments about how she did things.

I’m so happy to have grown up without social media because who knows how it would have permeated my mother’s mindset. Unlike my mother, I’m always sizing myself up against other moms and always come to the conclusion that I’m falling short in some way or another. So, I try harder. And when I’ve reached the point where I think I’m doing amazing, there is always someone doing better and splashing their highlight reel on social media, so I try harder again.

In order to parent like it’s 1985, I must stay off social media and regain the burgeoning confidence I once had in myself. I need to not care about other’s opinions and truly look inward if I want to end the cycle of panic, guilt, and comparison.

Educational Beliefs Not Backed by Research

This week's article summary is 5 Popular Education Beliefs That Aren't Backed By Research.

I enjoy articles that refute long-standing educational beliefs, especially ones I believed and used.

There’s been much research over the past 25 years on how our brains work and how we learn. One important understanding is how limited our short-term memory is. Consequently, to learn something new, we need to be attentive and focused. Any internal or external distraction can inhibit learning.

Many of the studies below illustrate what we believe are boosts to learning are often impediments, like doodling (a habit of mine) and background music in the classroom (I used to play classical music during free reading time).

Learning also requires motivation and persistence. Some common classroom strategies like oral reading and even grades can decrease student motivation and increase anxiety.

Clearly, cognitive scientists have uncovered much about how we best learn (Daniel Willingham, quoted in this article, is perhaps the most renowned), yet we teachers need to keep examining if the tried-and-true strategies we employ are really effective.

Joe

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Not every learning myth requires teachers to pull up stakes and start all over again. There are some commonly held misconceptions that contain a nugget of wisdom but need to be tweaked in order to align with the science of learning.

Sometimes, in other words, you’re already halfway there. Here are five myths that educators can quickly adjust and turn to their advantage.

DOODLING IMPROVES FOCUS AND LEARNING: When we write about the power of drawing to learn, we often hear from readers who feel compelled to defend an old habit: “See, I told you that when I was doodling, I was still paying attention!” But doodling—which is commonly defined as “an aimless or casual scribble or sketch” is distinct from what researchers call “task-related drawing.” And doodling, in this sense, is not associated with improvements in focus or academic outcomes. In fact, both cognitive load theory and experimental studies are generally downbeat on doodling. Students who sketch complicated scenes or designs as they try to process a lesson on plate tectonics are engaging in competitive cognitive tasks and will generally underperform on both. Doodling, like all drawing, is cognitively intensive, involving complex feedback loops between visual, sensorimotor, attentional, and planning regions of the brain and body. Because our ability to process information is finite, drawing and learning about different things at the same time is a simple question of too much.

How to fix it: Sketching what you are actually learning—from representational drawings of cells or tectonic boundaries to the creation of concept maps and organizational drawings—is, in fact, a powerful learning strategy and that applies “regardless of one’s artistic talent.” Try to harness a student’s passion for doodling by allowing them to submit academic sketches as work products. To get even more bang for your buck, ask them to annotate their drawings, or talk you through them—which will encode learning even more deeply.

READING ALOUD IN TURN IMPROVES FLUENCY: Often called round robin reading (RRR), teachers deploy RRR—during which the whole class follows a text while students read sections consecutively—for good reasons: Arguably, the practice encourages student engagement, gives teachers the opportunity to gauge oral reading fluency, and has a built-in classroom management benefit as well. Students are generally silent and (superficially) attentive when a peer is reading. But there is no research evidence that supports the claim that RRR actually contributes to students becoming better readers, either in terms of their fluency or comprehension. RRR also has the unfortunate effects of stigmatizing struggling readers, exposing new readers to dysfluent modeling, and failing to incorporate meaningful comprehension strategies. 

How to fix it: Reading out loud is necessary to teach fluency, but there are better methods. Pairing kids together to read sections of the text aloud to each other (partner reading) is a good approach, especially if teachers circulate to listen for problems. More generally, reading strategies that model proper reading speed, pronunciation, and affect—while providing time for vocabulary review, repeated exposure to the text, and opportunities to summarize and discuss—can improve both fluency and comprehension.

TALENT BEATS PERSISTENCE: It’s a common trap: Observers tend to rate people who appear to be naturally gifted at something more highly than those who admit they’ve worked hard to achieve success. Researchers call this the naturalness bias. In reality, the opposite is more often true. Popular lore tells us that genius is born, not made. Scientific research, on the other hand, reveals that true expertise is mainly the product of years of intense practice and dedicated coaching. Experimental studies extend the point to academics: An influential 2019 study found that high school GPA is a better predictor than the SAT of how likely students are to complete college on time. That’s because grades are a very good index of your self-regulation—your ability to stick with things, your ability to regulate your impulses, your ability to delay gratification and work hard instead of goofing off.

How to fix it: All kids—even the ones who already excel in a discipline—benefit when teachers emphasize the importance of effort, perseverance, and growth. Consider praising students for their improvement instead of their raw scores; have students read about and then discuss the idea of neural plasticity; and consider assigning reports on the mistakes and growing pains of accomplished writers, scientists, and artists. Try to incorporate rough-draft thinking in class, and think about taking risks yourself.

BACKGROUND MUSIC (ALWAYS) UNDERMINES LEARNING: It’s a fascinating and complex question: Can students successfully learn while background music is playing? In some cases, it appears, background music can be a neutral to positive influence; in other scenarios, it’s clearly distracting. There are several factors at play in determining the outcomes. Because music and language use some of the same neural circuitry, listening to lyrics of a familiar language may rely on the same cognitive resources as vocabulary learning, and that can lead to an overload of processing capacity and thus to an interference effect. Other features of the music probably matter, too: dramatic changes in a song’s rhythm, for example, or transitions from one song to the next often force the learning brain to reckon with irrelevant information. Studies show that background music has a small but reliably detrimental effect on reading comprehension. In some cases, however, music may aid learning. Catchy melodies, for example, can boost a student’s mood—which might lead to significant positive effects on learning when motivation and concentration are paramount.

How to fix it: Basically, “music has two effects simultaneously that conflict with one another,” cognitive psychologist Daniel Willingham says—one distracting and the other arousing. “If you’re doing work that’s not very demanding, having music on is probably fine”—and likely to motivate students to keep going, In those cases, try to stick to music that’s instrumental or familiar, in order to decrease the cognitive resources needed to process it. “But if you’re doing work that’s just somewhat difficult, the distraction is probably going to make music a negative overall,” Willingham adds.

GRADES ARE MOTIVATING: Teachers are well aware that grading, as a system, has many flaws—but at least grades motivate students to try their hardest, right? Unfortunately, the research suggests that that’s largely not the case. “Despite the conventional wisdom in education, grades don’t motivate students to do their best work, nor do they lead to better learning or performance,” write motivation researcher Chris Hulleman. A recent study revealed that when confronted by grades, written feedback, or nothing at all—students preferred the latter two to grades, suggesting that A–F rankings might actually have a net negative impact on motivation. Another study showed grades enhance anxiety and avoidance of challenging courses but don’t improve student motivation. Providing students with specific, actionable feedback, on the other hand, promotes trust between instructors and students, leading to greater academic ambition.

How to fix it: While grades are still mandatory in most schools—and some form of rigorous assessment remains an imperative—educators might consider ways to de-emphasize them. Some teachers choose to drop every student’s lowest grade; allow students to retake a limited number of assessments each unit; or periodically give students the discretion to turn in their best work from a series of related assignments.

 

How to Deal With People You Don't Like

This week's article summary is 8 Things Successful People Do When They Don't Like Someone.

I’m guessing all of us have some relatives, neighbors, and/or colleagues we don’t like very much.

It’s human nature and inevitable not to like everyone you know and work with.

Yet, as the article states, we need to be able to peacefully coexist with everyone from overly narcissistic, opinionated relatives to grumpy, myopic colleagues.

The article focuses on things we can control. In other words, it’s less about how others act around us and more about how we deal with those actions.

Just as we teach our students to be caring, non-judgmental, and positive toward others, we need to do the same.

Moving from ‘my way is the only way’ to ‘there’s value and productivity in diversity and different ideas and perspectives’ benefits everyone, including ourselves.

 Joe

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Unless you're a genetic anomaly, it's likely you will meet people you don't like throughout your lifetime. After all, it's unlikely you'll simply be able to avoid people you don't like - in fact, if you restrict who you can work with, you are only limiting yourself.

Here are some tips successful people use to deal with people they don't get along with.

1. Accept that you can't get on with everyone: As much as we hope to like everyone we meet, it often simply isn't the case. The first step to dealing with the people you don't click with is accepting nobody gets on with everyone. It doesn't mean you're a bad person, and it doesn't mean they are either. Our behavioral styles can get come between people. Some are dominant, whereas others are timid. Some people are optimists and others consider themselves "realists.”

2. Try and put a positive spin on what they are saying: Try and look at how people are acting differently. Even if the person you're having difficulty with is aggravating you on purpose, getting angry about it will probably just make you look bad. So try and give them the benefit of the doubt.

3. Be aware of your own emotions: It's important to remember your own emotions matter, but ultimately you alone have control over how you react to situations. People will only drive you crazy if you allow them to. Don't let your anger spin out of control. If someone is rubbing you the wrong way, recognize those feelings and then let them go without engaging with the person. Sometimes just smiling and nodding will do the trick. The key is in treating everyone you meet with the same level of respect. That doesn't mean you have to agree with a person you don't like or go along with what they say, but you should act civilized and be polite. In doing this, you can remain firm on your issues but not come across like you're attacking someone personally, which should give you the upper hand.

4. Don't take it personally and get some space: More often than not a disagreement is probably a misunderstanding. If not, and you really do fundamentally disagree with someone, then try and see it from their perspective. Try not to overreact, because they may overreact in return, meaning things escalate quickly and fiercely. Try to rise above it all by focusing on facts, and try to ignore how the other person is reacting, no matter how ridiculous or irrational. Concentrate on the issue, not the person. If you need some space, take it. You're perfectly within your rights to establish boundaries and decide when you interact with someone.

5. Express your feelings calmly and consider using a referee: Usually, the way we communicate is more important than what we actually say. If someone is repeatedly annoying you and it's leading to bigger problems, it's probably time to say something. However, confrontation doesn't have to be aggressive. Use "I" statements, such as "I feel annoyed when you do this, so could you please do this instead." Being as specific as possible will make it more likely the person will take what you're saying on board. It will also give them a better opportunity to share their side of the story. It might be a good idea to use another person as a mediator in these discussions because they can bring a level of objectivity to a situation. You may not end up as friends, but you might find out a way to communicate and work together in an effective way. Learning to work with people you find difficult is a very fulfilling experience, and it could become one more way of showing how well you overcome barriers.

6. Pick your battles: Sometimes it might just be easier to let things go. Not everything is worth your time and attention. You have to ask yourself whether you really want to engage with the person, or your effort might be better spent just getting on with your work, or whatever else you're doing. The best way to figure this out is weighing up whether the issue is situational. Will it go away in time, or could it get worse? If it's the latter, it might be better expending energy into sorting it out sooner or later. If it's just a matter of circumstance, you'll probably get over it fairly quickly. 

7. Don't be defensive: If you find someone is constantly belittling you or focusing on your flaw, don't bite. The worst thing you can do is be defensive—it only gives the other person more power. Instead, turn the spotlight on them and start asking them probing questions, such as what in particular their problem is with what you're doing. If they start bullying you, call them out on it. If they want you to treat them with respect, they have to earn it by being civil to you, too. If you want to be sneaky to get someone to agree with you, there are psychological tricks you can use. Research suggests you should speak faster when disagreeing with someone so they have less time to process what you're saying. If you think they might be agreeing with you, then slow down so they have time to take in your message. 

8. Ultimately, remember you are in control of your own happiness: If someone is really getting on your nerves, it can be difficult to see the bigger picture. However, you should never let someone else limit your happiness or success. If you're finding their comments are really getting to you, ask yourself why that is. Are you self-conscious about something, or are you anxious about something at work? If so, focus on this instead of listening to other people's complaints. You alone have control over your feelings, so stop comparing yourself to anyone else. Instead, remind yourself of all your achievements, and don't let someone gain power over you just because they momentarily darken your day.

Being Less Judgmental

This week's article summary is How to Be a Little Less Judgmental.

When I had taught middle school for about ten years, I was at a crossroads in my career: was I going to commit to my discipline (history) by teaching at the high school level or was I going to move into administration?

I was teaching 8th grade World History and was being courted by the high school history department. They were the top teaching group at the school, were devoted to their discipline, yet were also smug, cynical, and defiant to authority.

A few times a year we had an all-school meeting where the Head of School provided a big picture update on the school. (This was before email or other forms of electronic communication.) So, about 200 teachers from the three separate buildings (lower, middle, and upper schools) gathered in the school chapel as one community.

Not surprisingly, the iconoclastic history department members always sat in last row of the chapel, not paying much attention to the Head’s update; instead, they graded papers, completed crossword puzzles, anything but listen to the Head. They were the teachers who were “too cool for school.”

At one of these all-school meetings, as I walked into the chapel with some other middle school teachers, the chair of the Upper School history department (and the most arrogant) shouted, “Hey, Joe, why don’t you come sit with us?”

Like Lindsay Lohan in Mean Girls here was my defining moment. I was being invited to join the cool kids.

I could see my future unfolding: join them, move to the Upper School and become one of the top teachers in the school. Yes, I would need to follow their lead and be dismissive of others, but I would be a top dog!

In that split second, I charted my future. I meekly (after all, I was intimidated him and the other history teachers) retorted, “Thanks, but I’m fine sitting with middle school teachers.”

I chose to side with right, respectful, and collegial. I wasn’t going the join a group whose members felt they were superior to others. Working in a big school, I understood that there were a lot of decisions to be made and that not every decision directly impacted me. I was able to see beyond myself, my division, my students and embraced that I was part of a bigger community.

As you’ll see in the article, we are living in a very judgmental age, personified by the upper school history teachers at my former school.

During preplanning, we talked about how people tend to judge themselves by their intent and others by their actions. We talked about being cognizant of avoiding ‘instantly reacting’ and taking a few moments to ‘thoughtfully respond.’ My personal mantra is “Assume Good Intentions” which helps me avoid rushing to judgment.

As we head into the final stretch of the school year, we need to be even more alert to how we work with and support others.

Joe

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Casting judgment on others has never been so easy. Social media gives onlookers the opportunity to scoff at a person’s every choice, from how they dress to what they feed their children. How people have behaved during the pandemic has inspired plenty of judgment in its own right: At the height of restrictions, adherence — or lack thereof — to masking and social distancing measures practically became barometers of people’s characters, indicating a lack of personal responsibility and empathy or an abundance of hysteria and over-caution, depending on your views.

While it gets a bad rap, in pre-modern times, judgment helped keep people safe. Judgments were alarm bells allowing humans to distinguish between toxic and harmless food, trustworthy and untrustworthy tribe members, and hardworking and lazy kinspeople.

Judgment is also a signal that someone’s behavior is unusual or out of context to your particular in-group.

But in today’s mobile, digitally facilitated world, judgment can take on new, toxic forms. When you silently cast judgment on someone from afar based on an Instagram story, you don’t get feedback from other people — or even the subject of your judgment — and you don’t learn how to make comments or critiques in a constructive way. Normally in a social situation, you judge somebody’s behavior, and their response to you helps to calibrate your interaction with them, and also the responses of other people around you. Because so much of our lives are disconnected from each other, we don’t perceive that body language and we don’t perceive that social feedback anymore.

Digital platforms also incite and prioritize outrage and conflict, making it easy to look down on others from your moral high horse. When people are constantly sneering at others on public platforms, the perception of what “normal” social judgments should look like is skewed. In normal communities and in normal, functional families, passing judgment on other people’s behavior, it functions very well. Families rarely break up because somebody says, ‘Hey, you’re acting like a jerk’ at a holiday get-together.

While judgments help signal social norms and allow us to identify our people, mean-spirited critiques are unproductive. Discernment, on the other hand, can help you identify unhealthy and toxic behaviors. In today’s polarized world, it’s important to detect when someone’s attitudes and beliefs pose a threat to others’ rights and well-being. Unless someone’s behavior is actively harming themselves or others (in which case, you should name the behavior, tell the other person how you’re feeling, and set boundaries on how you’d like them to act moving forward), learning to curb petty moral righteousness is possible, but requires slowing down your thoughts and having some empathy.

Look inward: If you’re motivated to stop hurtful critiques, you have to evaluate their source. When you feel a twang of annoyance when a friend impulsively books a vacation despite constantly complaining about money, ask yourself why you’re upset by this behavior or what purpose your anger or annoyance serves in this instance. Anger is often a signal that another person isn’t taking your well-being into consideration or there’s a conflict. Does your friend’s last-minute trip conflict with upcoming plans the two of you have or is it simply something you wouldn’t personally do? We have to pull back and go, ‘I’m being judgy, I don’t really want to do that.’ If you find yourself whispering a snide remark to your friend about a stranger’s shoes, try to reframe the judgment by complimenting the person’s confidence, for instance. Just as being judgmental is a practiced habit, so is stopping thought patterns that lead to hurtful observations and assumptions. If we come to notice we’re doing something that is unhealthy and pause and stop it, then we are far less likely to go down that path.

Practice curiosity, compassion, and empathy: When people buck social conventions, those casting judgments are often quick to be offended before considering a reason why someone else is engaging in that behavior. Say your colleague is quitting their job before landing a new one and you’re outraged at their irresponsibility. Instead of jumping to conclusions, get curious and ask them about their reasons for resigning or what they hope to accomplish during their time off. Curiosity is the antidote for judgment. Meet those you’re unjustly judging with compassion: When it comes to differences of opinion, it can be easy to assume that someone who doesn’t share your beliefs is ‘evil or stupid.’ Instead of reacting aggressively in an attempt to change their mind, think of a good-faith reason why someone would think this way as a means to slow down the judgment process. What does the person you’re judging know about their behavior or beliefs that you don’t know? For example, when it comes to relatives with differing political opinions, think about how the loved one ended up believing what they believe: the media they consume, the people they surround themselves with.  Of course, you should never compromise on important moral and social issues. Relationships with people whose views are antithetical to your own will have to be renegotiated and you’ll need to decide how to move forward if you want to maintain contact. But you can control your initial assumptions of them based on their beliefs.

Stay in your lane: There are very few things you can do to convince people your way of thinking and living is ideal. Save for the occasions where someone’s behavior is dangerous and harmful, focus only on what you can control. We can only control our behaviors, our thoughts, and our actions. Many human behaviors are actions signaling to others what kind of person you are or what groups you belong to. Instead of criticizing your aunt for constantly sharing bizarre memes on Facebook, consider she’s just vocalizing her membership in a another group. Understanding actions’ underlying meanings can help you avoid pointless arguments trying to sway someone to your side of an issue. Instead of judging and attacking and hoping others see your way, sympathize with others’ reasoning for their actions, don’t feed into toxic thoughts, and lead by example. You can’t make somebody value the things that you value. All you can do is try to gently demonstrate that valuing the things that you value makes the world around you better and people will want to move there in some intellectual or moral sense.