Developing Student Independence

This week's article summary is Are Today's Students Really Less Independent Than Previous Generations.

My wife and I had very different high school experiences, even though our schools were only two miles from each other.

My wife attended a very large public school (600 students in her graduation class) while I attended a much smaller private school (85 kids in my graduation class).

She was a straight A student; I got mostly Bs.

But when we went to college, she struggled mightily and I blossomed.

We’re about the same in terms of IQ and ambition. 

So, why was it easy for me to transition to college and such a shock to my wife?

I think the key differentiator for me was my high school placed the responsibility for my learning directly on me. Over my four years in high school I learned how to study (although through fits and starts), how to synthesize material, how to ask for help, and how to organize myself and my time. High school for me an apprenticeship. By the time I got to college, I had pretty much figured out how to be an independent student.

My wife conversely in high school was asked to follow along in class, fill our worksheets, and take fairly low-level assessments, e.g., fill-in-the-blank questions. She generated an impressive GPA but didn’t learn how to study or how to think. Her undergraduate college years were where she learned how to be a student. It wasn’t until graduate school that her performance and grades caught up to her ability.

We at Trinity are committed in helping our students develop not only a strong moral, ethical character, but also organizational and executive function skills and habits needed for success in middle school and beyond. As nearly all our graduates matriculate to private schools like the one I attended, they need these study skills and habits to thrive.

As our kids move through the grades at Trinity they first learn how to self-regulate, then learn to be attentive in class, and finally by fifth and sixth grade they become more responsible for their time management. In age-appropriate ways, they learn to be persistent, resilient, and independent.

As you’ll see in the article below, there is concern that high school students today lack self-confidence and agency. 

Yet I feel proud that what we stress for our students is what they need to be not only successful students but high-functioning adults in the workplace!

Joe

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Are adolescents less independent thinkers and decisionmakers now than they were a decade ago?

A good number of teachers in middle and high school report that their students are struggling to direct their own learning, advocate for themselves, and take responsibility for their education.

There can be big repercussions for students who struggle to self-govern, especially high schoolers who are preparing to launch into the real world where the ability to work and learn independently is a prerequisite for success in college and the workforce.

However, with a lack of research on whether adolescents are less independent than they were 10 years ago, that leaves anecdotes and media coverage to color people’s perceptions of adolescents’ independence or lack thereof.

Whether the problem is exaggerated by some doesn’t change the fact that middle and high school students need to learn how to be independent. Goal-setting, delayed gratification, self-management of emotions—these are all social-emotional skills that lead to greater independence. It’s the teaching of nonacademic skills that are essential to success in school and life. 

Although it may seem counterintuitive for adolescents, a major part of being independent is knowing how to communicate their needs and ask for help. Teaching students how to manage their emotions so they persist when tasks get challenging is also key.

SEL experts say there’s long been a perception among educators that SEL is a “little kids thing,” discounting its importance for older students. Most SEL curricula and programs are directed toward younger students, and they fall flat when grafted onto a secondary school program. Incorporating SEL into middle and high school can also be challenging simply from a scheduling perspective. As students move from class to class, there is no single teacher who “owns” SEL. Plus, with a heavy focus on coursework in the upper grades, teachers may feel they don’t have the bandwidth to incorporate SEL into their daily lessons.

Middle and high school students need SEL programming that is designed for their developmental needs. Chief among those needs is learning how to become independent from adults. Giving middle and high school students more responsibility and control in how their classes and schools are run—"choice and voice” in SEL parlance—is a powerful way to help students build these skills .

Being an independent thinker and decision maker has always been an important trait for success in college and the workforce. The notion of self-directed learning, and upskilling and reskilling as the economy shifts is going to separate people who are going to be successful from those who are going to struggle in a knowledge-based economy.

Building Agency in Students

 This week's summary is Giving Kids Some Autonomy Has Surprising Results, and it carries on the theme of developing student independence and autonomy in last week’s summary 

One of our goals as a school is to support the development of agency in our students. 

The formal definition of agency is as follows: The sense of control you feel in your life, your capacity to influence your own thoughts and behavior, and belief in your ability to handle a wide range of tasks and situations -- agency helps you be psychologically stable yet flexible in the face of conflict or change.

It’s an apt description of a well-functioning and regulated adult, which is what we hope our students become.

At admissions events, I express a simpler definition of for prospective parents: we develop in our students a strong, confident sense of self.

The article below reminds us through examples that agency in our students needs to be cultivate and developed with scaffolding, direction, and intentionality.

The last paragraph of the article was particularly impactful for me: Let kids do for themselves what they can already do, guide and encourage them to do things they can almost do, and teach and model for them the things they can’t do yet.

 Joe

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Many young adults feel woefully unprepared for life in the work force.

Employers agree, saying that new hires from GenZ lack initiative, communication skills, problem-solving abilities, and resilience. 

The reason? It’s not just social media and the pandemic. It’s also because parents and schools aren’t building enough agency into childrearing and schooling. 

Giving kids agency doesn’t mean letting them do whatever they want. It doesn’t mean lowering expectations, turning education into entertainment, or allowing children to choose their own adventure. It involves orchestrating the development of three important life skills:

• Identifying and pursuing goals that are meaningful to young people
• Building strategies and skills to reach those goals
• Assessing progress and making course corrections

The problem is that very few students have these experiences, which may be why the percent of kids who say they love school goes from 74 percent in third grade to only 26 percent in tenth grade. 

Studies around the world show that building in goal-setting, strategy development, and self-monitoring has a significant positive impact on classroom engagement, grades, peer-to-peer comity, and happiness .

Some specific examples:

At the start of a lesson on the solar system, instead of giving a step-by-step outline, the teacher asks students what they’re curious about, what they’re interested in and care about, and what they want to know.

Instead of using controlling language – You need to read this article by Friday – taking a reasoning approach – I’m assigning this article because I want you to understand how photosynthesis can be useful in trying to invent new climate change technology. Reasoning language lowers the shield and kids open up. 

Instead of saying, Here is an example of a good essay. Please go write one, a teacher says, Here is an example of a good essay. What is your goal for your first draft? and then monitors and coaches as students write.

A Dallas, Texas elementary teacher has her students set learning goals in every class and reports that students chase her down in the hallway to report on their progress, proud of what they’ve accomplished. 

Rather than ordering a resistant child to do homework, a parent says, I know you hate doing homework. I felt that way too when I was a kid. But homework can make a big difference in helping you master a new skill. We could work for 15 minutes and then take a break, or would you rather take a break now and start in an hour?

In the words of psychologist Aliza Pressman: “Let kids do for themselves what they can already do, guide them and encourage them to do things they can almost do, and then teach and model for them the things that they can’t do.” 

Building Resilience in Children

This week's article summary is How to Raise Kids That Can Handle Any Challenge.

While the article’s intended audience is parents, teachers can glean much from the article as well.

Our goal as parents/teachers is for our children/students to develop into independent, fulfilled, compassionate, and resilient adults.

But sometimes in care for our children, we neglect to give them enough freedom and latitude to make decisions (good and bad) and to experience the inevitable highs and lows of life. Part of growing up is learning from mistakes and coping with failure and disappointment.

Yet it seems to be in our nature as adults to rush to provide help and assistance to children, hence not giving them the opportunity to figure things out for themselves. 

Similarly, children are quick to fall into the habit of too quickly asking for help. 

As parents and teachers, we need to learn to trust our children/students more and embrace the journey not only the outcome of learning (and life). 

I appreciated the five recommendations from the article on how to support children: prepare rather than protect them, listen more than lecture, comfort more than chide,  collaborate more than control, and celebrate imperfection rather than expect perfection.

Joe

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The parenting trends of today are not setting up our kids for success. Overprotection, control, and perfectionism are causing more problems than they are worth. Research suggests better ways to connect with and guide your children—ways that serve their futures, and the future of society.

Below are five insights from the book Hello, Cruel World: Science-Based Strategies for Raising terrific Kids in Terrifying Times.

Preparing is better than protecting:

When we ask ourselves what our number one job is as parents, we would all most likely agree that we want to help our kids become independent and well-adjusted adults. We want them to grow into human beings who can take care of themselves, as well as others, and who can manage all kinds of situations, including ones they’ve never come across before. Ironically, many common parenting trends and instincts work against this goal.

First, we often think we should protect our kids from hard experiences and curate their environment so they are always comfortable. These approaches make kids less able to tolerate and work through challenges and discomfort. Getting better at hard things takes practice. We need to give our kids opportunities to practice dealing with frustration and disappointment.

We also sometimes fear for our kids’ physical safety when we shouldn’t. We don’t let them walk to school or play outside with friends because we have been fed misleading statistics about stranger danger. By constantly hovering, intervening, and protecting, we rob our kids of opportunities to build social and problem-solving skills.

We often step in and do things for our kids to ensure that they don’t fail, too. We take over their science projects, pay them for good grades, hire private baseball coaches, and put them in intensive acting classes. We do it because we worry about their futures, but this kind of overprotection and pressure can backfire, putting kids’ futures at risk. The pressure parents put on kids to excel increases the chance that kids will develop low self-esteem, use substances, and suffer from mental health problems. When we emphasize that success is the only acceptable outcome, we make kids less willing to try hard things. We make them less resilient.

 Listening is better than lecturing:

Ask kids questions. It’s simple, takes the pressure off, and is a great way to start a conversation. Asking kids questions gives you a moment to breathe, gives them the chance to share their perspective before you jump in, and can help clarify the aspects of the topic you may want to zero in on next. 

Asking questions also models a curious mindset, which is important for kids to see in us. We want kids to learn that life isn’t about always having the answers, that everyone is a lifelong learner, and that it is okay to make mistakes. Asking questions tells kids that we, as adults, are still curious and willing to learn—and that as they grow up, they should be, too.

Listening to kids—really, truly listening—is crucial. When kids feel heard and understood, they feel valued and loved, as well as calmer and safer. They become more connected to us and more willing to listen to our perspective. They feel less aggrieved. They learn through our modeling to listen to their friends and other loved ones, which helps them build stronger relationships over the course of their lives.

Listening to kids benefits humanity more broadly, too. From the research, we know that when people feel heard, they become more self-reflective, humble, and less extreme in their beliefs. When we deeply listen to our kids, we are helping build a less polarized, more open-minded, and more respectful society.

Comforting is better than chiding:

Kids have big feelings. Emotions are part of the human condition, although some of us are more attuned to them than others. Feelings provide essential information about our wants and needs.

For a long time, parents were encouraged to ignore, diminish, or chide their kids for their emotions. The problem is that when we communicate to kids that their feelings aren’t welcome, several unfortunate things can happen. First, when kids perceive that we are uncomfortable around feelings, they may stop coming to us when they are upset or in need of help, because they assume we’d rather not know. This can close crucial opportunities for connection and understanding.

When we chide kids for their big feelings, they may also learn to suppress or repress feelings instead of expressing them, which then makes it harder for them to listen to and interpret the useful information their feelings offer. When feelings are suppressed, kids are also not given the opportunity to practice different coping skills for learning how to emotionally regulate.

We also know from research that when parents comfort their children and regularly discuss feelings, children become more compassionate. If a child wants to do something nice for a friend, she has to be able to perceive her friend’s feelings and needs. She has to be able to read her friend’s face and body language and translate that into an understanding of what her friend is going through and what she might need, without letting her own feelings and desires get in the way. Studies have shown that the more parents talk about feelings, the more helpful and generous kids (even toddlers) tend to be.

Negotiating is better than controlling:

Parents often feel the need to assert themselves and take control. If we don’t, our kids will take advantage of us, right? But this is not what the research shows. When parents are overly controlling, kids tend to act out more and are more likely to develop mental health problems and substance abuse issues. Yes, we should be in charge, but we will be much more successful if we do it in a way that is respectful and allows for our children’s autonomy.

This notion is especially important when managing kids’ screen time and social media use. Rules and limits can be helpful, especially with younger kids. But with tweens and teens, research suggests that what works best is when parents set limits while also considering their child’s perspective and involving them in the decision. Instead of saying, “You can’t have TikTok, end of story,” we will be much more successful if we ask our kids what they find compelling about it, research the app along with them, discuss its benefits and drawbacks, and help our kids understand our concerns. When we restrict or assert without open communication, our kids may not understand the rationale behind our decision and may be less likely to respect it.

Blundering is better than mastering:

One reason parenting seems so hard is that it feels like the stakes are so high. We are expected to always know what we’re doing, always know what to say, and how to react. We are expected to be perfect.

But the research suggests that when it comes to parenting, imperfection is preferable to perfection. When we make mistakes, we illustrate to our kids that nobody’s perfect, so it’s okay that they aren’t, too. When we accidentally yell at our kids, we are then given the opportunity to model for them how to take responsibility for their actions and how to apologize. When we fight in front of our kids, we are giving them the opportunity to learn how to engage in healthy conflict. When we don’t have the answers to their questions, we can model curiosity and information literacy by inviting our kids to research the topic with us. We can show them how to use Google and how to identify trustworthy sources. When we tell our kids something and later realize it wasn’t accurate, we can be honest with them about it, illustrating to them the value of acknowledging our blunders and keeping an open mind.

Parenting is a form of activism. Through the ways we engage with our kids and the conversations we have, we can help our children learn key life skills—healthy coping, resilience, empathy, financial literacy, humility, open-mindedness, and media literacy, among others. We, as parents, can build a stronger, more humane world based on how we raise our kids.